We were having dinner last night. Spaghetti and garlic bread, a simple and favourite family staple. I had been updating Beloved on my appointment Monday with the midwife, and told Tristan that the “ladies who help the baby come out” said that he and Simon should come to the office one day so they can hear the baby’s heart beat and even feel the shape of the baby. (How amazing is that? I can’t imagine my OB offering to host my kids for a shared family appointment. Matter of fact, the midwives encouraged it. I made the right choice in going with the midwives for this baby. I’m so happy with them.)
So Tristan and I started talking about the baby, and he tells me that mommies go away to have their babies. (This also builds on a conversation from a few days before, where we read an “Arthur” book about a dog that goes missing and it turns out she’s hidden to have her puppies.) I say yes, mommies go to the hospital to help the babies come out.
“And Padmé went away to have baby Luke and baby Leia,” he observes. I’m nodding in half-remembered agreement of the mythology of the last movie of the second Star Wars trilogy – which the boys aren’t allowed to watch because they’re too violent. Before I can see what’s coming, he looks at me with his solemn, gorgeously clear gray-green eyes and says, “And Padmé dies when she goes away to have the babies. But you won’t die, Mommy.”
I’m so rocked by the speed with which this previously innoccuous conversation has degenerated that I can only think to say, “Yes, well, but – that’s just a story. That doesn’t really happen. EVER.”
Tristan carries on, unperturbed and in a tone that is both reassuring and seeking assurance. “You won’t die for a long, long time, right Mommy? Not until you’re very old.”
Swallowing hard against a tide of emotion that I absolutely cannot allow to show on my face, I repeat again that it’s just a story, it’s like the cartoons on TV and not real, and change the topic as fast as I possibly can.
Afterwards, I confront Beloved and ask how they know Padmé dies if they haven’t seen the movie. He has no idea, but thinks it might be in the Star Wars lego video game they love.
That’s it. No more Star Wars, no more video games. We’re going back to all Blues Clues all the time around here.
Yea – I don’t think there’s any dying in Blues Clues. Cute story – sad little story.
Ya, I never knew how to handle that –when my baby asked me to promise that I would never die. On the one hand I wanted to reassure her so she wouldn’t worry. On the other hand, if I ever did die then not only would I be leaving her, but I would also be leaving her with a broken promise and a lie. Mainly, I just told her what I thought she wanted to hear and/or was ready to hear.
Ack, that’s a tough one. It’s amazing what little ones come up with. I could actually deal with all Blues Clues all the time.
Good decision on the midwives – you won’t be disappointed. My mom and my sister are both midwives and I’m having a homebirth for my first child, so while I can’t speak from actual personal experience of giving birth with midwives (yet!), I do know that you’ll continue to get the amazing care that you’re been impressed with. My midwives actually offered to have my mother-in-law come to an appointment – that it might help her to feel more comfortable with our decision to give birth at home. I don’t think it would help! But it’s a nice idea anyway.
Wow. Kids are so insightful. Man! My 4 year old is suddenly obsessed with talking about dying and death. I guess that is common at this age. Such a tough topic to discuss, but I try to be nonchalant about it. Poor kids. Who knows the kind of scary thoughts they have rolling around in their heads that they just don’t know how to tell us about.
Wow, I hate the tough questions.
We have about a month to go, and I’m still trying to explain the baby to the Boy. I don’t think he really gets it. Doing an appointment with him there would be a good idea. I’m using a family doctor (as long as no complcation arise), not a midwife. Now I’m rethinking the whole thing (not just due to your post, but because we’re trying for a VBAC too).
That’s a toughie – my daughter asked about that in when she was kindergarten age. She still brings up the topic occasionally; it’s amazing how they process that stuff. I banned the recent Star Wars trilogy from our house too (to my husband’s annoyance) because of the mature themes. Crazy what they still manage to pick up though!
Just found your blog tonight – I like what I see, and I’ll be back!
Oh no! Those little ones don’t miss a thing, do they? Great story, and it sounds like you handled it like a pro.
I’m sorry you never had a good experience with your previous Ob-Gyn’s! My female doctor is sooooo wonderful, there are just as many children in the waiting room with their mom’s as there are actual patients. She always welcomes children in her office, to hear the baby’s heartbeat, etc. And she keeps photo albums of all the baby’s she’s delivered in the waiting room, too. I can’t imagine going to a Dr. who wouldn’t welcome children to the visit! Besides that, the time and attention she spends on me, and her other patients, is great. She’s re-assuring, and one of the best Ob-Gyn’s the city has. I’d be happy to recommend her to anyone! As long as you’re happy with your Dr./Midwife, that’s all that matters, but I just wanted you to know that in case you were looking for a great Ob-Gyn… I have the number for you!
Loukia, it isn’t that I never had a good experience with my OB – in fact, I agonized about leaving her for a midwife – but the experience simply doesn’t compare. There were always lots of kids in the waiting room, and toys for them, and lots of baby pics, too… but she never explicitly encouraged me to bring Tristan along when I was carrying Simon, and it never occured to me to ask. Doctors are, for the most part, clinical. Midwives are not. That’s the difference.
And also, that’s a tough discussion to have with your little ones! Very emotional, for sure.
Holy crap! I can’t even imagine having that conversation. Breaks my heart a little.
The important thing is you love who is looking after you when pregnant . I just want someone with experience to look after me when I’m pregnant, who is one of the best in the Ob-Gyn field in the city, and pays attention to me and baby. And I’ve been seeing this Dr. since I was 18, so we’re close, and she knows my entire family… she’s just very personable… and she is very supportive about my concerns with baby number 2’s kidneys, and so I’m getting extra attention and u/s’s, too. Anyway, as long as you’re happy and well looked after!!! That’s all that matters. 🙂
You could say that you’re not sure Padme actually died. They may have faked her death so that Anakin/Darth Vader wouldn’t go looking for her.
You might also point out that unlike when Padme died and they sent Luke to live with his uncle and Leia with Bail Organa, you’ve made arrangements that will keep your children together with people they already know and like in the unlikely event that something terrible should happen to you.
Stay away from Disney too. Lots of death in their movies.
Alley Cat – so true! I remember vividly going to see Bambi with my dad when I was young and after Bambi’s mom died I was traumatized, I think that movie still has an effect of me. We had to leave the theatre right away and call my mom who was at work.
My son now likes Finding Nemo, except he gets scared at the first scene when the bad shark kills the mom and the eggs. We always try to fast forward that scene but he has seen it a few times and I felt terrible! Then it gets happier so he’s okay…. but yeah, Disney movies always kill off a parent… so sad.