Today’s parenting dilemma is behaviour modification through the use of rewards. Is Dr Skinner in the house?
We seem to have painted ourselves into a bit of a corner with the use of rewards as an enticement to encourage Tristan to eat his dinner. Over the last few months, we have encouraged him to eat “a few more bites” with the reward of a treat after dinner. Lately, the treat has been a piece of Halloween candy. Before that, it was a few gummy bears or a lollipop or some other candy. (Thanks to Beloved’s sweet tooth, we almost always have candy in the house.)
In general, although I have some qualms about giving the boys (because you can’t give to one without the other) candy every single night, I don’t see too much difference between a small piece of candy or five smarties or the equivalent and say, a piece of pie or cake or a bowl of ice cream that an adult might have for dessert.
Except, now Tristan sits down at the table, looks at whatever is in front of him, and before taking a single bite asks, “How many bites do I have to eat?” The whole treat/reward thing gets mixed results, I’d say.
And yet, I’m thinking of implementing some sort of chart system to see if I can get some improvement on some other areas. Again with the dinner table, we cannot convince Tristan with any amount of cajoling, reminding, hollering or threatening, to stay seated in his chair for 10 minutes in a row at mealtimes. He squirms, he pops on and off his chair, he clatters his silverware, he plays with the salad dressings or condiments or whatever else he can reach, he fidgets, he clowns to make Simon laugh, and half the time he just stands in front of his plate, picking through whatever he deigns to eat. If you’ve been there, you know – there comes a point when you’re just so tired of fighting the battle that close enough is good enough.
So I was thinking of drawing up a chart with four or five daily behaviours that I want him to work on. I’m thinking: “eats dinner”, “sits at table nicely”, “cleans up toys before bedtime”, “puts shoes/boots on rubber mat” and “puts clothes in hamper”. Some of these he’s quite good at, some not so much. At the end of each day, we’ll review to see if he got a yes or a no in each box, and at the end of the week, we’ll figure out some sort of reward for all the good behaviour.
Since he’s really interested in the computer lately (he loves the games on the Peep and the Big Wide World site), I’m thinking one minute of computer time for each yes. Or, maybe making up a bunch of slips with different rewards on them like a candy treat, a dollar store treat, a new book, computer time, choose a DVD from the movie store, etc, and letting him pick from a jar.
I also picked up a box of 100 stickers from Disney’s Cars movie, which has actually supplanted Thomas the Tank Engine as the coolest thing on wheels at our house lately, and was thinking I could either use the stickers in lieu of the yes/no in each box, or use a sheet of stickers as one of the rewards.
BUT – and isn’t there always a but? – I have a few niggling concerns. First, I can’t really see how I can implement this for Tristan without doing something similar for Simon. Except, Simon is not-quite-three. Separate charts? Maybe.
Second problem: the same problem we have right now, that the behaviour is performed solely for the treat, and not for the sheer joy of being a pleasant child and not incurring mommy’s considerable hormonal wrath.
Third problem: I fear spoiling them. We don’t need more stuff, especially with Christmas and two birthdays within the next four months. I wouldn’t mind weaning them of their candy jones, either. Any ideas for non-stuff, non-sugary rewards?
Fourth: this whole thing seems a little uptight to me. I rolled my eyes when the teacher suggested we do something like this to monitor Tristan’s behaviour in class – and yet, it’s working. In fact, I’m tempted to send a note saying I don’t think we need to continue anymore. So yes, even though I rolled my eyes at the idea, props to her because it has seemed to work. Tristan tells me right away, before I even check his bag, on the days he gets all smiley faces from her, and it’s obvious it matters to him. But how long will that last?
Anyway, this is very much an attempt for me to sort out my own convoluted thoughts on the subject, but I thought I’d do it via the blog just to see if any of you have had any resounding successes (or noteworthy failures) using a chart-based reward system. Ideas, opinions and suggestions are welcome!
Hi Dani,
I haven’t used the chart myself. But at my daughter’s daycare, it is used for one of the boys. Seems to work very well, even though none of the other children use it. So, you could likely use it for one child and not for the other.
Somehow the stickers on the chart is enough positive reinforcement for a child to know that – heh – I’m not a total “bad” boy, look at all the good stuff I can do!
You could try it with both boys, but modified for your younger son with simpler things like, “saying thank-you” and for your older son “eating all four food groups at dinner.”
Actually, now that I think about it more … A chart was used for all the kids to help them potty train. We used it at home too. I think they’re a great tool.
Good luck! This too shall pass :0)
Hi Dani,
I haven’t used the chart myself. But at my daughter’s daycare, it is used for one of the boys. Seems to work very well, even though none of the other children use it. So, you could likely use it for one child and not for the other.
Somehow the stickers on the chart is enough positive reinforcement for a child to know that – heh – I’m not a total “bad” boy, look at all the good stuff I can do!
You could try it with both boys, but modified for your younger son with simpler things like, “saying thank-you” and for your older son “eating all four food groups at dinner.”
Actually, now that I think about it more … A chart was used for all the kids to help them potty train. We used it at home too. I think they’re a great tool.
Good luck! This too shall pass :0)
Hi Dani,
I haven’t used the chart myself. But at my daughter’s daycare, it is used for one of the boys. Seems to work very well, even though none of the other children use it. So, you could likely use it for one child and not for the other.
Somehow the stickers on the chart is enough positive reinforcement for a child to know that – heh – I’m not a total “bad” boy, look at all the good stuff I can do!
You could try it with both boys, but modified for your younger son with simpler things like, “saying thank-you” and for your older son “eating all four food groups at dinner.”
Actually, now that I think about it more … A chart was used for all the kids to help them potty train. We used it at home too. I think they’re a great tool.
Good luck! This too shall pass :0)
Hi Dani,
I haven’t used the chart myself. But at my daughter’s daycare, it is used for one of the boys. Seems to work very well, even though none of the other children use it. So, you could likely use it for one child and not for the other.
Somehow the stickers on the chart is enough positive reinforcement for a child to know that – heh – I’m not a total “bad” boy, look at all the good stuff I can do!
You could try it with both boys, but modified for your younger son with simpler things like, “saying thank-you” and for your older son “eating all four food groups at dinner.”
Actually, now that I think about it more … A chart was used for all the kids to help them potty train. We used it at home too. I think they’re a great tool.
Good luck! This too shall pass :0)
I think the chart is a good idea. It will teach them the expected behavior in a way they can understand. It also challenges them to work toward a goal over a period of time rather than the immediate and shortlived gratification of candy after dinner.
For a more immediate way of rewarding them after a dinner well-sat is to change up the idea of what a treat is. Perhaps a yummy fruit salad with yogurt or cool whip? Something healthy, but still considered sweet.
(I gotta say, thank God our candy is all gone! Took less than a week, but my kids look like them might puke when I even mention it. LOL)
I think the chart is a good idea. It will teach them the expected behavior in a way they can understand. It also challenges them to work toward a goal over a period of time rather than the immediate and shortlived gratification of candy after dinner.
For a more immediate way of rewarding them after a dinner well-sat is to change up the idea of what a treat is. Perhaps a yummy fruit salad with yogurt or cool whip? Something healthy, but still considered sweet.
(I gotta say, thank God our candy is all gone! Took less than a week, but my kids look like them might puke when I even mention it. LOL)
I think the chart is a good idea. It will teach them the expected behavior in a way they can understand. It also challenges them to work toward a goal over a period of time rather than the immediate and shortlived gratification of candy after dinner.
For a more immediate way of rewarding them after a dinner well-sat is to change up the idea of what a treat is. Perhaps a yummy fruit salad with yogurt or cool whip? Something healthy, but still considered sweet.
(I gotta say, thank God our candy is all gone! Took less than a week, but my kids look like them might puke when I even mention it. LOL)
Hi Dani!
We used a chart at our place for various “chores” and “desired behaviours” around the house. Things like making sure his lunch bag and lunch containers make their way to the kitchen sink, laundry in the hamper, emptying the bathroom garbages, tidying the shoes by the front door, not whining, making his bed…The way we worked it is that he had to get a certain number of stars/checks by the end of the week, and we worked towards a movie at the theatre. It was a special afternoon out, and he was really anxious to work hard to earn it. Our reward is usually an “event” of some kind – an afternoon at the museum, a family movie night complete with popcorn, a special activity of his choice – he earned it!
Hi Dani!
We used a chart at our place for various “chores” and “desired behaviours” around the house. Things like making sure his lunch bag and lunch containers make their way to the kitchen sink, laundry in the hamper, emptying the bathroom garbages, tidying the shoes by the front door, not whining, making his bed…The way we worked it is that he had to get a certain number of stars/checks by the end of the week, and we worked towards a movie at the theatre. It was a special afternoon out, and he was really anxious to work hard to earn it. Our reward is usually an “event” of some kind – an afternoon at the museum, a family movie night complete with popcorn, a special activity of his choice – he earned it!
Hi Dani!
We used a chart at our place for various “chores” and “desired behaviours” around the house. Things like making sure his lunch bag and lunch containers make their way to the kitchen sink, laundry in the hamper, emptying the bathroom garbages, tidying the shoes by the front door, not whining, making his bed…The way we worked it is that he had to get a certain number of stars/checks by the end of the week, and we worked towards a movie at the theatre. It was a special afternoon out, and he was really anxious to work hard to earn it. Our reward is usually an “event” of some kind – an afternoon at the museum, a family movie night complete with popcorn, a special activity of his choice – he earned it!
Hi Dani!
We used a chart at our place for various “chores” and “desired behaviours” around the house. Things like making sure his lunch bag and lunch containers make their way to the kitchen sink, laundry in the hamper, emptying the bathroom garbages, tidying the shoes by the front door, not whining, making his bed…The way we worked it is that he had to get a certain number of stars/checks by the end of the week, and we worked towards a movie at the theatre. It was a special afternoon out, and he was really anxious to work hard to earn it. Our reward is usually an “event” of some kind – an afternoon at the museum, a family movie night complete with popcorn, a special activity of his choice – he earned it!
Some good non-treat rewards:
certificate/coupon for special time with mom/dad (such as an outing, board game, or baking a goody)
I’m not sure if the attention span limits would work for this one, but you could give a coupon for each successful week. When he has 4 or 5 coupons saved up, he could use them to pick out a toy (I know you wanted to limit buying “stuff” but it could also be used to buy something that he’s really been looking forward to getting) or special art supplies you wouldn’t normally buy.
Charts have worked for my kids and for my daycare kids. It CAN work to use a chart for just one child and not the other. But the younger one being the potential “left out” kid, it might be harder to pull off. I like the idea of making a more simple chart with more appropriate skills.
Some good non-treat rewards:
certificate/coupon for special time with mom/dad (such as an outing, board game, or baking a goody)
I’m not sure if the attention span limits would work for this one, but you could give a coupon for each successful week. When he has 4 or 5 coupons saved up, he could use them to pick out a toy (I know you wanted to limit buying “stuff” but it could also be used to buy something that he’s really been looking forward to getting) or special art supplies you wouldn’t normally buy.
Charts have worked for my kids and for my daycare kids. It CAN work to use a chart for just one child and not the other. But the younger one being the potential “left out” kid, it might be harder to pull off. I like the idea of making a more simple chart with more appropriate skills.
Some good non-treat rewards:
certificate/coupon for special time with mom/dad (such as an outing, board game, or baking a goody)
I’m not sure if the attention span limits would work for this one, but you could give a coupon for each successful week. When he has 4 or 5 coupons saved up, he could use them to pick out a toy (I know you wanted to limit buying “stuff” but it could also be used to buy something that he’s really been looking forward to getting) or special art supplies you wouldn’t normally buy.
Charts have worked for my kids and for my daycare kids. It CAN work to use a chart for just one child and not the other. But the younger one being the potential “left out” kid, it might be harder to pull off. I like the idea of making a more simple chart with more appropriate skills.
Some good non-treat rewards:
certificate/coupon for special time with mom/dad (such as an outing, board game, or baking a goody)
I’m not sure if the attention span limits would work for this one, but you could give a coupon for each successful week. When he has 4 or 5 coupons saved up, he could use them to pick out a toy (I know you wanted to limit buying “stuff” but it could also be used to buy something that he’s really been looking forward to getting) or special art supplies you wouldn’t normally buy.
Charts have worked for my kids and for my daycare kids. It CAN work to use a chart for just one child and not the other. But the younger one being the potential “left out” kid, it might be harder to pull off. I like the idea of making a more simple chart with more appropriate skills.
We had to say no to daily desserts as we had a similar situation developing here. Now, dessert is a special weekend treat (or with guests).
I have similar doubts/questions as you about the reward system. What happens when they decide the behaviour is not worth the reward? As in, “I don’t feel like picking up my stuff, thanks, you can keep your sticker.” I remember in kindergarten, we got black marks for misbehaviour. My friend’s sheet was covered in them – didn’t seem to affect him at all, LOL.
Sounds like you have a typical 4.5 yr old – mine has similar behaviour. I’m sure (hope!) they eventually outgrow it! 🙂
We had to say no to daily desserts as we had a similar situation developing here. Now, dessert is a special weekend treat (or with guests).
I have similar doubts/questions as you about the reward system. What happens when they decide the behaviour is not worth the reward? As in, “I don’t feel like picking up my stuff, thanks, you can keep your sticker.” I remember in kindergarten, we got black marks for misbehaviour. My friend’s sheet was covered in them – didn’t seem to affect him at all, LOL.
Sounds like you have a typical 4.5 yr old – mine has similar behaviour. I’m sure (hope!) they eventually outgrow it! 🙂
We had to say no to daily desserts as we had a similar situation developing here. Now, dessert is a special weekend treat (or with guests).
I have similar doubts/questions as you about the reward system. What happens when they decide the behaviour is not worth the reward? As in, “I don’t feel like picking up my stuff, thanks, you can keep your sticker.” I remember in kindergarten, we got black marks for misbehaviour. My friend’s sheet was covered in them – didn’t seem to affect him at all, LOL.
Sounds like you have a typical 4.5 yr old – mine has similar behaviour. I’m sure (hope!) they eventually outgrow it! 🙂
We had to say no to daily desserts as we had a similar situation developing here. Now, dessert is a special weekend treat (or with guests).
I have similar doubts/questions as you about the reward system. What happens when they decide the behaviour is not worth the reward? As in, “I don’t feel like picking up my stuff, thanks, you can keep your sticker.” I remember in kindergarten, we got black marks for misbehaviour. My friend’s sheet was covered in them – didn’t seem to affect him at all, LOL.
Sounds like you have a typical 4.5 yr old – mine has similar behaviour. I’m sure (hope!) they eventually outgrow it! 🙂
Sorry, no advice here. But I’m feeling a lot better just knowing that somebody out there is experiencing something similar.
I used to give stickers to my 3-year old when he goes potty. But he got tired of it. He just goes potty, even without a sticker.
Of course, his “reward” is getting the opportunity to tell me how his potty went. “Daddy,” he would say. “Did you see my poop? It was humongous!”
And, yes. He uses that word, “humongous.”
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/
Sorry, no advice here. But I’m feeling a lot better just knowing that somebody out there is experiencing something similar.
I used to give stickers to my 3-year old when he goes potty. But he got tired of it. He just goes potty, even without a sticker.
Of course, his “reward” is getting the opportunity to tell me how his potty went. “Daddy,” he would say. “Did you see my poop? It was humongous!”
And, yes. He uses that word, “humongous.”
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/
Sorry, no advice here. But I’m feeling a lot better just knowing that somebody out there is experiencing something similar.
I used to give stickers to my 3-year old when he goes potty. But he got tired of it. He just goes potty, even without a sticker.
Of course, his “reward” is getting the opportunity to tell me how his potty went. “Daddy,” he would say. “Did you see my poop? It was humongous!”
And, yes. He uses that word, “humongous.”
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/
Sorry, no advice here. But I’m feeling a lot better just knowing that somebody out there is experiencing something similar.
I used to give stickers to my 3-year old when he goes potty. But he got tired of it. He just goes potty, even without a sticker.
Of course, his “reward” is getting the opportunity to tell me how his potty went. “Daddy,” he would say. “Did you see my poop? It was humongous!”
And, yes. He uses that word, “humongous.”
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/
I thought about this all day, and I got nothing. But I agree – for Josephine, she often turns down treats or rewards as incentives — but taking away things she likes does work.
As for the wiggling at the table — one thing that I found worked for Josephine was that she needed more of a transition to dinner time. If I called her away from an activity to eat, she couldn’t make it through a nice meal. But, if she helps me make something for dinner, or sets the table or even just plays in the kitchen while I get dinner ready, she can then sit long enough to eat because she’s mentally “there” for dinnertime. The only thing I have a problem with is that she likes to pretend the utensils are a family, and so her toddler sized fork is always trying to talk to the mommy and daddy forks, and we spend a lot of time saying “I’m busy helping mommy’s food get into her mouth! Can’t play now!”
I thought about this all day, and I got nothing. But I agree – for Josephine, she often turns down treats or rewards as incentives — but taking away things she likes does work.
As for the wiggling at the table — one thing that I found worked for Josephine was that she needed more of a transition to dinner time. If I called her away from an activity to eat, she couldn’t make it through a nice meal. But, if she helps me make something for dinner, or sets the table or even just plays in the kitchen while I get dinner ready, she can then sit long enough to eat because she’s mentally “there” for dinnertime. The only thing I have a problem with is that she likes to pretend the utensils are a family, and so her toddler sized fork is always trying to talk to the mommy and daddy forks, and we spend a lot of time saying “I’m busy helping mommy’s food get into her mouth! Can’t play now!”
I thought about this all day, and I got nothing. But I agree – for Josephine, she often turns down treats or rewards as incentives — but taking away things she likes does work.
As for the wiggling at the table — one thing that I found worked for Josephine was that she needed more of a transition to dinner time. If I called her away from an activity to eat, she couldn’t make it through a nice meal. But, if she helps me make something for dinner, or sets the table or even just plays in the kitchen while I get dinner ready, she can then sit long enough to eat because she’s mentally “there” for dinnertime. The only thing I have a problem with is that she likes to pretend the utensils are a family, and so her toddler sized fork is always trying to talk to the mommy and daddy forks, and we spend a lot of time saying “I’m busy helping mommy’s food get into her mouth! Can’t play now!”
I thought about this all day, and I got nothing. But I agree – for Josephine, she often turns down treats or rewards as incentives — but taking away things she likes does work.
As for the wiggling at the table — one thing that I found worked for Josephine was that she needed more of a transition to dinner time. If I called her away from an activity to eat, she couldn’t make it through a nice meal. But, if she helps me make something for dinner, or sets the table or even just plays in the kitchen while I get dinner ready, she can then sit long enough to eat because she’s mentally “there” for dinnertime. The only thing I have a problem with is that she likes to pretend the utensils are a family, and so her toddler sized fork is always trying to talk to the mommy and daddy forks, and we spend a lot of time saying “I’m busy helping mommy’s food get into her mouth! Can’t play now!”
We have a sort of system here:
When we’re trying to get him to learn something he’s been resisting (ie: wiping his out butt), we start out with a prize bag. Nothing in the bag is too big, but we have some puzzles, some cars, some Little People(tm), some happy meal toys. When he performs, he gets to pick a prize out of the bag.
As he gets more competent at the task, we switch to stickers for immediate gratification and a toy at the end of a week of successful performance.
And then we start tapering off. Mostly because he ends up feeling blase about the task and doesn’t ask for the sticker.
Every so often, I’ll bring home a prize and tell him it’s because he’s been doing such a good job remembering to do X, Y or Z.
We have a sort of system here:
When we’re trying to get him to learn something he’s been resisting (ie: wiping his out butt), we start out with a prize bag. Nothing in the bag is too big, but we have some puzzles, some cars, some Little People(tm), some happy meal toys. When he performs, he gets to pick a prize out of the bag.
As he gets more competent at the task, we switch to stickers for immediate gratification and a toy at the end of a week of successful performance.
And then we start tapering off. Mostly because he ends up feeling blase about the task and doesn’t ask for the sticker.
Every so often, I’ll bring home a prize and tell him it’s because he’s been doing such a good job remembering to do X, Y or Z.
We have a sort of system here:
When we’re trying to get him to learn something he’s been resisting (ie: wiping his out butt), we start out with a prize bag. Nothing in the bag is too big, but we have some puzzles, some cars, some Little People(tm), some happy meal toys. When he performs, he gets to pick a prize out of the bag.
As he gets more competent at the task, we switch to stickers for immediate gratification and a toy at the end of a week of successful performance.
And then we start tapering off. Mostly because he ends up feeling blase about the task and doesn’t ask for the sticker.
Every so often, I’ll bring home a prize and tell him it’s because he’s been doing such a good job remembering to do X, Y or Z.
We have a sort of system here:
When we’re trying to get him to learn something he’s been resisting (ie: wiping his out butt), we start out with a prize bag. Nothing in the bag is too big, but we have some puzzles, some cars, some Little People(tm), some happy meal toys. When he performs, he gets to pick a prize out of the bag.
As he gets more competent at the task, we switch to stickers for immediate gratification and a toy at the end of a week of successful performance.
And then we start tapering off. Mostly because he ends up feeling blase about the task and doesn’t ask for the sticker.
Every so often, I’ll bring home a prize and tell him it’s because he’s been doing such a good job remembering to do X, Y or Z.
I don’t know, being polite at the dinner table and sampling your meals isn’t something I would construct elaborate positive reinforcement schemes for.
We have rules at our house and specific consequences for breaking them:
!. everyone remains seated at the table until everyone is done dinner – Consequence for rule breaking: time out.
2. Everyone must eat half of what is presented to them (and we present age appropriate portions). Consequences: no snacks, treats, desserts or sweet drinks for the rest of the day and all of the next day.
Some days Kieran feels like the consequences are worth it, and somedays he doesn’t. But, I’m not getting into reqarding him for food eating and table manners. There is no end in site for that.
There are some times when I think happy strategies work for learning, but I think a few negative ones are appropriate for certain discipline scenarios.
I don’t know, being polite at the dinner table and sampling your meals isn’t something I would construct elaborate positive reinforcement schemes for.
We have rules at our house and specific consequences for breaking them:
!. everyone remains seated at the table until everyone is done dinner – Consequence for rule breaking: time out.
2. Everyone must eat half of what is presented to them (and we present age appropriate portions). Consequences: no snacks, treats, desserts or sweet drinks for the rest of the day and all of the next day.
Some days Kieran feels like the consequences are worth it, and somedays he doesn’t. But, I’m not getting into reqarding him for food eating and table manners. There is no end in site for that.
There are some times when I think happy strategies work for learning, but I think a few negative ones are appropriate for certain discipline scenarios.
I don’t know, being polite at the dinner table and sampling your meals isn’t something I would construct elaborate positive reinforcement schemes for.
We have rules at our house and specific consequences for breaking them:
!. everyone remains seated at the table until everyone is done dinner – Consequence for rule breaking: time out.
2. Everyone must eat half of what is presented to them (and we present age appropriate portions). Consequences: no snacks, treats, desserts or sweet drinks for the rest of the day and all of the next day.
Some days Kieran feels like the consequences are worth it, and somedays he doesn’t. But, I’m not getting into reqarding him for food eating and table manners. There is no end in site for that.
There are some times when I think happy strategies work for learning, but I think a few negative ones are appropriate for certain discipline scenarios.
I don’t know, being polite at the dinner table and sampling your meals isn’t something I would construct elaborate positive reinforcement schemes for.
We have rules at our house and specific consequences for breaking them:
!. everyone remains seated at the table until everyone is done dinner – Consequence for rule breaking: time out.
2. Everyone must eat half of what is presented to them (and we present age appropriate portions). Consequences: no snacks, treats, desserts or sweet drinks for the rest of the day and all of the next day.
Some days Kieran feels like the consequences are worth it, and somedays he doesn’t. But, I’m not getting into reqarding him for food eating and table manners. There is no end in site for that.
There are some times when I think happy strategies work for learning, but I think a few negative ones are appropriate for certain discipline scenarios.
I like this. I need some help with nathan who hates to eat mst times. BUT like Marla said if he is setting the table or helping make a salad or something he will sit to eat.
Need to disconnect with play time to eat.
I like this. I need some help with nathan who hates to eat mst times. BUT like Marla said if he is setting the table or helping make a salad or something he will sit to eat.
Need to disconnect with play time to eat.
I like this. I need some help with nathan who hates to eat mst times. BUT like Marla said if he is setting the table or helping make a salad or something he will sit to eat.
Need to disconnect with play time to eat.
I like this. I need some help with nathan who hates to eat mst times. BUT like Marla said if he is setting the table or helping make a salad or something he will sit to eat.
Need to disconnect with play time to eat.