When it’s quiet enough to hear your own brain ticking…

by DaniGirl on March 5, 2006 · 30 comments

in Uncategorized

It’s Sunday afternoon. The house is so quiet I can hear the dog breathing heavily in the next room, deep in doggy slumber. The clock ticks and my keyboard tapping are the only other sounds in the house. Clear, latewinter sunshine streams in through windows that are impatient for their spring cleaning.

The older boys have gone off to pick up one last birthday gift delivered through Toys R Us, and Simon is fast asleep. For the past two days my head has been crowded with ideas to blog about, ideas large and small, serious and frivolous. And now, in the sleepy quiet of midafternoon, I can’t commit to any of them. And still I itch to type, to tell, to talk to you.

There are other things I should do. If Beloved and Tristan were to walk through the door, I’d jump guiltily up and close the laptop as if caught slacking on the job. After having a house full of people yesterday, and coming nowhere close to ‘company clean’ before everyone arrived, you can imagine that there is some tidying to be done. But the mental cobwebs are humming louder than the crumbs in the carpet, so I will let them call the tune just now. At least until I hear the crunch of tires-on-snow in the driveway.

I give up. I wanted to be literary, but there is also stuff I want to tell you. And I know, realistically, I’ll not get the chance to go back and edit this properly, so once again I’ll just heave the words into cyberspace as they come to me and leave them there, unedited and raw.

I think I’m done being sad for now. I was feeling kicked around by the universe for quite a few days, but feeling sorry for myself doesn’t seem to have improved the situation. The sunshine, and the warmth of my family and friends yesterday, and the joy of watching two preschoolers and a very happy dog on a hike through the woods this morning seems to have penetrated the fog of self-pity I was stewing in. (Can you stew in a fog? Never mind, I said we’re not editing this.)

The thing is, when you’ve decided life is treating you poorly, you can always find examples to back you up. In a short 24 period on Friday I found out I flunked my French exam (I don’t usually fail, so I do not deal with it well) and messed up financially in a minor but meaningful way and found out we’ll likely have to invest money we don’t have in a new washing machine and had my eldest son scowl at me pretty much continually for the entire time between getting home from work and going to bed and had a fight with my husband over the fact that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and realized it was time for Simon to give up his bottle and had some kid hanging out with the questionable teen from next door barf all over our lawn and driveway.

It was not one of my better days.

Going in to the next day was no hell either. I absolutely could not get Simon to nap, and the only person in the world who gets more cranky when tired than me is Simon – and we were expecting a house full of people for Tristan’s birthday party. I had put him down for the third, maybe fourth time in an hour when I heard the unmistakable thump of a preschooler aerial drop. I crept to the top of the stairs and listened for crying, but all was quiet. Then ever so slowly, the doorknob began to turn and with exquisite care, he opened the door and peeked out. When he saw me, he immediately began to whimper – I’m not sure if it was from fear of getting caught or remorse from the hard landing. The second exodus was less than ten minutes later, and the window-rattling thump was followed immediately by a burst of surprised and angry tears. His, not mine. He never did nap. No breakouts today, but the hike in the woods might have had something to do with that.

I feel bad. I don’t have any pictures worth posting of Tristan’s birthday party. That’s the last of the negative thoughts though, because with the exception of the fact that I absolutely forgot to buy candles and we had to use the “1” candle left over from Simon’s birthday last year on Tristan’s cake (he was very understanding, all things considered) we had a lovely day celebrating Tristan’s birthday.

Crunch of tires-on-snow… it’s not quiet anymore. It sounds like I’m done.


{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Marla March 5, 2006 at 7:30 pm

Can you remember that the whenever I finally meet you I owe you a big hug on account of this?

2 Marla March 5, 2006 at 7:30 pm

Can you remember that the whenever I finally meet you I owe you a big hug on account of this?

3 kris March 5, 2006 at 10:20 pm

Oh, Dani. I’m sorry it’s been a rough couple of days. Hang in there. And your writing is still terrific, despite the lack of editing. I owe you a hug, too.

4 kris March 5, 2006 at 10:20 pm

Oh, Dani. I’m sorry it’s been a rough couple of days. Hang in there. And your writing is still terrific, despite the lack of editing. I owe you a hug, too.

5 helene March 6, 2006 at 12:06 am

After a week like the past, things can only look up. Hope the coming week offers you lots to smile about.

6 helene March 6, 2006 at 12:06 am

After a week like the past, things can only look up. Hope the coming week offers you lots to smile about.

7 Beanie Baby March 6, 2006 at 1:27 am

I hope work slows down for you really soon and you get the chance to recharge yourself a bit. Work doesn’t ramp up that much for me very often, but when it does, I am not a happy person to be around.

8 Beanie Baby March 6, 2006 at 1:27 am

I hope work slows down for you really soon and you get the chance to recharge yourself a bit. Work doesn’t ramp up that much for me very often, but when it does, I am not a happy person to be around.

9 Suzanne March 6, 2006 at 2:00 am

I hope the week only gets better from here!

10 Suzanne March 6, 2006 at 2:00 am

I hope the week only gets better from here!

11 KnQ March 6, 2006 at 2:49 am

I used to hate the quiet. And now, I crave it like a big bar of chocolate.

12 KnQ March 6, 2006 at 2:49 am

I used to hate the quiet. And now, I crave it like a big bar of chocolate.

13 Jerri Ann March 6, 2006 at 3:00 am

About the keyboard noise…I type so loudly my husband buys me a new wireless keyboard and mouse for my birthday every year because I wear the suckers out and the whole house stays awake while I whack at it. I type somewhere near 100 words a minute so it is quite funny to hear them complain.
About feeling sorry for yourself…..sometimes just wallowing in self pity really does help and I believe it. Because, it only takes something simple (a baby smiling, etc) to make you feel good when you are that low.
About your writing….no need to edit you are doing awesome!

14 Jerri Ann March 6, 2006 at 3:00 am

About the keyboard noise…I type so loudly my husband buys me a new wireless keyboard and mouse for my birthday every year because I wear the suckers out and the whole house stays awake while I whack at it. I type somewhere near 100 words a minute so it is quite funny to hear them complain.
About feeling sorry for yourself…..sometimes just wallowing in self pity really does help and I believe it. Because, it only takes something simple (a baby smiling, etc) to make you feel good when you are that low.
About your writing….no need to edit you are doing awesome!

15 Jen March 6, 2006 at 3:13 am

Hope things are better. I’ve been stewing too. I’m blaming the weather.
Jen

16 Jen March 6, 2006 at 3:13 am

Hope things are better. I’ve been stewing too. I’m blaming the weather.
Jen

17 Tina March 6, 2006 at 3:39 am

I’m glad to know it’s not just me who jumps up guiltily and closes the laptop like a slacker. It’s hard to find those few quiet moments to compose a thought. If this is how you heave words out to the internet without polish, you are quite good! Very nice post.

18 Tina March 6, 2006 at 3:39 am

I’m glad to know it’s not just me who jumps up guiltily and closes the laptop like a slacker. It’s hard to find those few quiet moments to compose a thought. If this is how you heave words out to the internet without polish, you are quite good! Very nice post.

19 Phantom Scribbler March 6, 2006 at 3:43 am

Oh, what a perfect image, “heaving the words into cyberspace” because you know you don’t have time to edit. I get so frustrated when I have to operate like that for more than a day or two at a time!
I wish I could sneak you out for coffee and cheer you up a bit. Or at least empathize.

20 Phantom Scribbler March 6, 2006 at 3:43 am

Oh, what a perfect image, “heaving the words into cyberspace” because you know you don’t have time to edit. I get so frustrated when I have to operate like that for more than a day or two at a time!
I wish I could sneak you out for coffee and cheer you up a bit. Or at least empathize.

21 Freakazojd March 6, 2006 at 6:52 am

Sending you big brain hugs…or perhaps I should say “big hugs from my brain.” I say occupy the kidlets with something that will last for half an hour, then you can nip upstairs with the hubby and prance around in your new soutien-gorge. HOO-rah!

22 Freakazojd March 6, 2006 at 6:52 am

Sending you big brain hugs…or perhaps I should say “big hugs from my brain.” I say occupy the kidlets with something that will last for half an hour, then you can nip upstairs with the hubby and prance around in your new soutien-gorge. HOO-rah!

23 BeachMama March 6, 2006 at 10:51 am

Danigirl, I am sorry you have had the blues.
I am going to attribute it to the end of winter! After our mild and almost springlike winter, it was truly unfair that we have had to endure some of the coldest days at the end. The time when the spring sunshine is heating the house all day long and if you sit out of the wind you don’t need a jacket. It will only be another week or two and it will be over.
I hope that Tristan loved his party, despite having the wrong numbered candle on his cake. Happy Birthday Tristan!!! I remember when you were just a little lad ;).
Big hugs, this week will be much better.

24 BeachMama March 6, 2006 at 10:51 am

Danigirl, I am sorry you have had the blues.
I am going to attribute it to the end of winter! After our mild and almost springlike winter, it was truly unfair that we have had to endure some of the coldest days at the end. The time when the spring sunshine is heating the house all day long and if you sit out of the wind you don’t need a jacket. It will only be another week or two and it will be over.
I hope that Tristan loved his party, despite having the wrong numbered candle on his cake. Happy Birthday Tristan!!! I remember when you were just a little lad ;).
Big hugs, this week will be much better.

25 Miche March 6, 2006 at 1:31 pm

“I’d jump guiltily up and close the laptop as if caught slacking on the job” … crap. I do that too. Why is that?
Happy to hear you had some upbeat moments and few minutes to yourself on the weekend.
Sending warm, fun and upbeat thoughts your way!

26 Miche March 6, 2006 at 1:31 pm

“I’d jump guiltily up and close the laptop as if caught slacking on the job” … crap. I do that too. Why is that?
Happy to hear you had some upbeat moments and few minutes to yourself on the weekend.
Sending warm, fun and upbeat thoughts your way!

27 Danigirl March 6, 2006 at 1:31 pm

Wow, where did you all come from? Although I said I was itching to reach out, what I really felt like I was doing was talking to myself (I’m a firm believer in the power of the vent!) and yet here you all are, listening.
This week will be better (although I’ve been at work for just over an hour and it’s already shaping up to be a Very Bad Day), but it is lovely to know that you are out here listening, and reaching back, and caring.
Thank you!
xo Dani

28 Danigirl March 6, 2006 at 1:31 pm

Wow, where did you all come from? Although I said I was itching to reach out, what I really felt like I was doing was talking to myself (I’m a firm believer in the power of the vent!) and yet here you all are, listening.
This week will be better (although I’ve been at work for just over an hour and it’s already shaping up to be a Very Bad Day), but it is lovely to know that you are out here listening, and reaching back, and caring.
Thank you!
xo Dani

29 SilverCreek Mom March 6, 2006 at 2:07 pm

OH Dani HUGS
I am a MOM who had kids leave their cribs at an early age and I’m not ready for for any of it. HEll do you think I’m ready for the silences I hear coming from the other room when Miranda has her Boyfriend over? SIGH! Where are my babies gone?
I hope Tristan has a LOVERLY birthday. And I hope you have a better day than expceted!

30 SilverCreek Mom March 6, 2006 at 2:07 pm

OH Dani HUGS
I am a MOM who had kids leave their cribs at an early age and I’m not ready for for any of it. HEll do you think I’m ready for the silences I hear coming from the other room when Miranda has her Boyfriend over? SIGH! Where are my babies gone?
I hope Tristan has a LOVERLY birthday. And I hope you have a better day than expceted!

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