So here’s a question for you: what do you do when you disagree with the unofficial policies of your child’s school?
Today’s question is inspired in part by a note that came home yesterday insisting all students must wear splash or wind pants in the school yard or be kept inside at recess. This is the first I’ve heard of this requirement, and I have neither the resources nor, frankly, the inclination to try to find splash pants for all three of them. Midweek, no less. And spending $20 plus, multiplied by three, for something they’ll wear for a week or two does not appeal to me either. I sent a note back to the school to that effect, and each boy packed a pair of dry pants as a concilliatory gesture and “just in case†measure – but I trust them enough to believe that when they promise to stay out of the mud and puddles, they will do so.
To me, this gets into the grey area between school rules and parenting. I sympathize with the school’s desire to keep the muck and mud outside, but if they’re going to make splash pants mandatory, I’d like more than a day’s notice. An example that slips even further outside the zone of school responsibility, IMHO, was the time last fall when one boy had a piece of candy taken away the day after Halloween. A note came home saying the teachers did not feel that amount of sugar was appropriate for a morning snack. (In my defense, I had ALSO packed a piece of fruit. And I didn’t realize that Beloved had also slipped a piece of candy into each child’s lunch box, in addition to the treat I’d permitted. Regardless, I truly believe that unless I am packing varsol-filled thermoses and asbestos sandwiches, the school has no right to judge or interfere with what I put in their lunch boxes.)
I’m leery to even talk about these examples on the blog because I adore the boys’ school and the staff. I think they’re hard-working and kind and we’re lucky to be part of such a great community. But I’m curious as to how you handle these types of conflict because I am torn. For the most part, I’m happy to follow the rules even when I disagree with them and think it’s important that the kids see me respecting authority. Rules are in place for a good reason – most of the time. However, another part of me wonders if there isn’t value in teaching them to question authority when authority clearly oversteps its bounds (as I believe it has, in these two examples at least.) And finally, a part of me worries that causing trouble will somehow make the kids’ relationship with their teachers and school authorities more difficult than it should be or has to be. I don’t want them to be labled as troublemakers, even if by proxy.
(FWIW, I think the splash pants rule is maybe more acceptable for the littlest kids. I will continue to send Lucas in his ski pants, partly because he goes in the morning when it’s still cool and partly because I don’t think a four-year-old has the same ability to resist a puddle that a nine- or eleven-year-old might have.)
So what do you think? Would you let these things go or speak up? For the candy incident, I let it go. It was a well-intentioned action, even if it left me feeling judged and more than a little annoyed. For the splash pants, I simply can’t comply but I tried to offer up a reasonable compromise. Do you think there is value in talking back when you disagree with unofficial policies and rules like this, or is it better for community harmony to shrug it off and comply?
(Edited to add: in no way is this post intended to reflect poorly on the boys’ school or its administration. They have a difficult role balancing many competing priorities and I have nothing but respect and even affection for them. Even if I disagree with an occasional policy or two, I can’t say enough nice things about how lucky we are to be a part of such a great community and this post was in no way meant to be critical of them. I used these examples simply to illustrate a larger issue that I think many parents face, regardless of which school their children attend.)
