A conversation with Willie the Cat

by DaniGirl on December 1, 2011 · 9 comments

in Life, the Universe and Everything

It’s 5:15 am. Willie the cat is sitting on me as I huddle under the blankets and try to ignore him.

Willie: Hey. You. Get up. I’m hungry.

Me: Ugh, Willie. Go back to sleep. It’s early.

Willie: You have to get up. I heard you shifting. I know you’re awake.

Me: Willie, the alarm won’t even go off for 15 more minutes. Get off me.

Willie: You said I don’t cuddle enough. I’m cuddling.

Me: You’re not cuddling, you’re pestering. Cuddling happens when I’m awake and feel like petting you. This is not cuddling.

Willie: Feed me.

Me: Listen, you’re a nice cat. I never thought I’d like a cat as much as I like you. You’ve really grown on me in the past couple of months. But seriously, it’s a quarter after five in the morning. Go away.

Willie: If you don’t feed me, I won’t pose for any more pictures.

291:365 Yawn!

Me: I don’t care, I’ve already got half a dozen pictures of you for sale on Getty Images. I don’t need more. What I need is sleep. Please?

Willie: I’m bored. I think I’ll chase this random bit of plastic around under your bed for a while. Don’t you love that skittering noise? Oh, and don’t bother getting up to take it away from me, because I have twenty more pieces just like it stashed all over the house.

Me: Speaking of stashed, could you please stop stealing the kids’ stuffed animals? You get them all slobbery and full of dog hair when you carry them around the house.

Willie: It’s not my fault your dog is a giant shedding hair ball.

Me: Willie, please? Go play with the boys, I’m sure they’d love to be woken up by your adorableness.

Willie: It’s more fun aggravating you.

Me: Clearly. So listen, since I’m up anyway, can we talk about the Christmas tree? I’ve survived three kids’ worth of toddler years and I’ve never yet had a Christmas tree come down. And yet, I’m thinking we may have a problem this year.

Willie: What kind of problem? Lucas is old enough to know not to touch the tree.

Me: Um, yeah. It’s not Lucas, it’s you I’m worried about.

Willie: Me?

Me: Yeah. Like how you like to knock things over? And how you chase shiny things? And steal stuff? And climb things? And chew through cardboard?

Willie: I’m not getting you.

Me: Willie, we are seriously afraid to put up the Christmas tree this year. You’re a menace without a giant tree full of breakables in the middle of the living room.

Willie: You keep your breakable ornaments on a shelf.

Me: Yeah, but I was hoping this would be the year I get to actually put them on the tree, yanno?

Willie: You’ve got three rambunctious boys and you think the cat is going to be the one who brings down the tree?

Me: Okay, you can have that one. But even as toddlers, the boys didn’t climb up on the shelves and purposefully knock things off of them — something you have been known to do.

Willie: See, it doesn’t really matter where you put them. So I can perch in the tree, right?

Me: Oy. I’m going back to sleep…

Willie: Good luck with that. Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna sit here and bat books off the shelf and onto the bed until you get up and feed me.

Me: *whimper*

Edited to add: Ha! From Vanessa’s comment below – yeah, this:


{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Belinda Lemire December 1, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And the cat wins!!!!! LOL

2 Windex December 1, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Spray your Christmas stuff with lavender…..not the most Christmassy smell but it works…..

3 Paula December 1, 2011 at 9:40 pm

This post was so cute and that picture of Willie is amazing! Best wishes with the tree this year (I heard lavender works too, my mom used to use it in her garden to keep the neighbourhood cats from using her flower beds as a litter box)

4 Vanessa December 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

Oh darling… welcome to the world of cat ownership…
I just discovered these animated shorts the other day, and nothing could be a more accurate depiction of life with a cat. Aptly named for you guys as well 🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn2h3_aH3vo&feature=related

5 DaniGirl December 2, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Lavender, eh? Worth a try!

Vanessa, those videos are precious!! I liked the one so much I embedded it into the post. 🙂

6 Carol December 4, 2011 at 10:55 am

Ha! Substitute the name Tojo and you got my cat perfectly here! In fact, if he could be in two places at that hour of the morning, I would swear it was him!

He doesn’t climb the tree, though. Just steals anything he can reach from the floor.
The amount of things increases as he works on the strands of tinsel…

Carol

7 Kerry December 4, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Just wait til you decide to put a piece of ribbon on something. It’s all over but the crying… until you have to clean up the litter and note the pieces of shredded ribbon therein. :o)

8 Suze December 7, 2011 at 8:55 am

Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one with a cat that insists I should be up at 5:15 to get him food.

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