WWBD?*

So. Birthday parties. My parenting manual seems to be missing the chapter on birthday parties (I may have used them to scoop up the dog barf from the living room carpet last week) and I find myself a little unsure of the protocols.

First issue: other kids’ birthday parties. Now that Tristan is in school, he’s started to be invited to the birthday parties of kids in his class. This is fine and dandy for him, who gets to simply show up and play games and eat cake, but not so fine for his socially repressed and angst-ridden mother. First of all, he’s four (almost five) years old. I’m not so fond of the idea of simply dropping him off at some strangers’ house for a couple of hours, but I’m even less impressed at the idea of accompanying him and trying to make small talk for two hours with people I’ve never met before, people who are undoubtedly not going to be their very best selves what with a house full of junior-kindergarteners hepped up on sugar terrorizing the place.

Do I just drop him off or do I plan to accompany him? What if the party is not in a house, but at one of these Cosmic Adventures / Chuck E Cheese kind of places?

Second issue: the boys’ birthdays fall a little less than five weeks apart. Is there a precedent for joint birthday parties? Can I have the same cake at both parties, since they both say they want a “Cars” cake? (Their favourite part of a trip to the grocery store is pressing their noses up against the cake display and discussing the relative merits of each design, then following up with a free cookie.) And, horror of horrors, can I have a party for one and not for the other? (I imagine this will be the last possible year I might get away with this.)

Third issue: who do you invite to a birthday party? They’re too young to have natural sets of friends yet – when do you transition to inviting kids of your child’s choice from kids attached to parents you are friends with? Because Simon’s birthday is first (two weeks from yesterday), we’ve gotten organized enough to invite my cousin’s son, the boys’ godparents and their daughter, and my brother and sister-in-law are coming from out of town with their two kids . Perfect number of kids for a three year old, IMHO, and a great crowd because (a) the adults outnumber the kids and (b) I dearly love all of them.

My brother won’t be able to make it back for Tristan’s birthday at the beginning of March, and I worry that Tristan will notice that we had a party for Simon’s birthday but not for his. But I’m not sure I want to start manufacturing a party and inviting his classmates because I’m unfamiliar with all the protocol (see first issue above.) And I’m equally reluctant to either have a house full of sugar-crazed five year olds or fork over hundreds of dollars to let one of the party places host it for us. And if you don’t invite the whole class, how do you choose when it’s not obvious which kids your child is close to? And even if we only stick with kids at the daycare, there are too many of them and can I invite some without inviting them all? And do I have to invite the 18 month old little sister of one of his daycare buddies if I invite her big brother, one of the ones I would be comfortable inviting? And, back to question one, should I expect their parents to join us for the duration?

And all that before we even get into what kind of party to have, and what to do, and what to serve…

As you can see, I’m ill-equipped to deal with the trauma of birthday parties. Your input on any or all of the above questions (I think I’m wearing out the question mark on my keyboard) would be greatly appreciated. Don’t do it for me, do it for my poor boys, blissfully oblivious as they are to their mother’s haplessness.

*What Would Bloggers Do?

Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

21 thoughts on “WWBD?*”

  1. Hm… where to start..
    1. Don’t feel pressured by what all other parents are doing – we always had b-day parties at our house, despite the other fancy ones the kids went to. There is soemthing to be said for entertaining in your own home with your own hospitality.It’s all about celebrating your child’s birth, and not a competition in special events planning.
    2.Not sure about combining parties. My kids birthdays are 4 weeks apart, and the idea of combining never came up. Maybe it could work?? They tend to have different friends and interests, especially as they get older.
    3.As for parents staying at parties. I generally don’t stay myself, but sometimes just arrive a little sooner than finish time so that I can visit and appear social (I too am somewhat shy with strangers). Of course parents are welcome to stay at our parties – sometimes they do,sometmes they don’t. They can usually amuse themselves while the hosts are working. Or you could cover up for shyness by helping with chores (works for me – I don’t like small talk either). But chatting does give you a chance to connect with the parents of the friends.
    4. The younger kids are, the easier they are to please. Just have cake, a snack and a few back up games – but often they just like to play when they’re younger.
    5. As for inviting ALL the kids in class/daycare, etc. I never did this, but some people do have huge parties. It depends if you like having 20 children at your house wired on sugar and adrenaline. We used to invite the number of guests equal to the child’s age. The ones who don’t get invited may have their feelings hurt, but it is an introduction in to the world of not being invited to everything. I don’t recall either of mine being sad because theye weren’t invited to a party. Somehow it evens out I think.
    Have I talked enough? Have I hogged all the blogging points that others would have liked to share? Sorry.. that’s what happens when I talk first about a familiar topic!

  2. 1. Drop him off! It’s a good thing for both of you. As Ingrid said, arrive ten minutes earlier for pickup and small talk with the grown ups.
    2. I vote no for the joint party. I think each kid has the right to their own cake, whatever that may be. Artistic Cake Design on Richmond Road ROCKS. Invite the family for a joined celebrate some time in the middle, but the kids should have their own kiddie thang. Which leads to…
    3. Sarah turned five this year, and was allowed to invite five children. When Sarah turned four she was allowed to invite four children etc. Because she was so little I “guided” her choices a little to include her best playmates and closest friends. Emma is turning eight in the Spring. So she’ll be allowed to invite eight kids. She will have no problem choosing who should come.
    Don’t even worry about themes and stuff. You don’t need the hassle when they’re so little. They wouldn’t notice anyway. All they want to do is (a) eat and (b) play. And not necessarily in that order either.
    Keep it to two hours, include a pizza for lunch and it’ll be over before you know it.

  3. Hello Danigirl! I seem to have gotten myself tagged this morning. I was IT, now I’m not, cause you are! 🙂
    Stop by my blog to find out the details!

  4. I have no experience in this arena yet as my children are still just abstract concepts in the ether rather than reality, but I can tell you what we did when I was a kid.
    We always had a party at the house. There was always a cake, usually hot dogs or grilled cheese sandwiches or something equally easy to make (when we got older it was usually pizza), snacks of some sort, simple games (although one year my dad made a pinata but that was so much work and stress and mess that he swore never again, and he stood by that…) and goodie bags. Once we were school aged, we could invite 5 friends of our choosing. Only 5. (although, I think my first year in Winnipeg, they let me invite more since I was new at the school and already had anxiety about fitting in…). I remember my mom involving us in the planning from a very early age. But I have no memory of whether parents stayed with their kids or not – I was far too hyped up on the sugar and the presents to care…
    not sure if that helps…

  5. 1) Definitely drop but make sure they have your cell phone/home phone number so they can get in touch with you should they need to. I try to get back around 15 min early just to be social if I don’t know any other adults. We’ve not had a Chuck E Cheese party yet so I’m not sure what I’d do. I’d probably stay since ChaosGirl is only 3 but probably not if she was 5.
    2) I only have one so combining isn’t an issue but I’d say no because – do you really want that many kids over at once? As for the cake, let them pick and if they both pick the same, so be it.
    3) ChaosGirl is turning 3 next month and I have told her she gets 4 friends over. Two are her best buddies from daycare, one is a friend who used to go to her daycare but moved but we still do playdates, and one is the daughter of her occasional babysitter. She is trying to convince me to invite one more little girl from daycare but I really think I’m going to hold firm on this. I can’t handle more than 5 late 2/early 3 year olds in my house at once.
    Even though this will be a deeply girly party the general idea might work for Tristan. I’m getting her art table set up (one of those long white adjustable height ones) with 5 little plastic lawn chairs. She got some of those magic finger paints/markers for Xmas that only work on special paper. I’m getting some more and they can do that for a while and make their own party hats and such. Then some lunch (it’s a 10ish-12ish party) and then cake and then open pressies and then done.
    Good luck!

  6. I’m putting in my 2 cents, on the topic of staying vs. not staying at parties. I always stayed at my kids’ friends’ birthday parties when they were young. Now that they’re 9 and 11, I usually just drop off. I always felt anxious about just leaving them anywhere, especially if I didn’t know the parents well. I know, on the other end, I always appreciated the parents that stayed at my own kids’ parties because they could help if I needed it. One time, Emma had a party with about 30 kids and only 2 parents stayed. I even asked one mom to stay and she made an excuse and left. Argh!

  7. I drop off. I stay for a bit to check things out and get a vibe – but then leave. It was never an issue for my kids as they were happy to see me leave. That said, we live in a small town, so I already know pretty much every parent of the kids who have parties.
    Soon, you’ll notice it’s the same kids invited to the same parties. You’ll feel more comfortable when it gets to that stage.
    Our rule of thumb for invitatiosn to parties is the same amount of kids as the year they’re celebrating – from their class. So a 5 year old would get to invite 5 kids from the class. I put the invitations in the note tote and ask the teacher to put them in the invitees note totes. That way, there are no hurt feelings as he hands them out. KWIM?

  8. Skip hotdogs, they are such a choking hazard that although it may seem paranoid, I’m scared to death of having a kid choke on me! Just a thought.

  9. I transitioned from staying to dropping off during JK. If I stay I make myself useful (can’t hand out juice to a crowd quick enough!).
    I think at this age you could have combined the parties, but if the first one is already officially “Simon’s Party” it may be too late. Sorry.
    If Tristan has started getting invited, I can’t imagine you can get away without him having a party at all. But you might get away with one last year of family and *your* friends’ kids before he wants school friends.
    I’d be wary of sending invitations to school if you aren’t inviting the whole class. Kids lose them, kids talk about them. In one recent case, I didn’t know about an invitation because Snuggly Girl knew she’d be out of town that day, so she gave her invitation to a friend who had lost hers. In that case, all the girls in the class were invited, which is probably an OK time to send invitations to school. Except for the part about getting them lost.

  10. I feel that combining parties is fine. Ask the boys what their thoughts are on the matter.
    With my kids, we have always invited family. When the kids started school, we always just had one party and still invited family, but also invited whatever friends they wanted. In the younger grades, they sometimes chose to invite all the kids in the class. Don’t worry about having to host a party for ALL the kids because they never all show up. And don’t feel obligated to invite siblings of your kids’ friends.
    On the issue of parents staying: if the parents want to stay, make them feel welcome. If you feel you need to stay with your boys at any parties they attend, DO IT! When my kids were younger I always stayed. I never made a nuisance of myself, but I felt more comfortable hanging out then just doing the drop and run method. Plus, I always felt that it was putting an incredible responsibility on the parents hosting the party to be put in charge of a group of children they may barely know. And then there’s the issue of if a child gets hurt or scared during the party and the parent is not able to be reached to come back. I just think it’s easier to hang out in the background for the hour or two, than to take off and worry the whole time. Until they get older, of course.

  11. On the note of family parties… We always have had a family party AND a friend party. That way the doting grandparents/aunts/uncles etc can lavish attention on the “birthday pig” (as we say in Dutch) and the child feels special.
    It seems like alot of parties, and like you, ours were close in the calendar year so it seemed like month of parties, but it IS fun!

  12. As you can see by the above comments, to stay or drop off is generally dictated by the parent’s comfort level. I would stay at the age your kids are, but by 6 or 7, I would drop off. For the most part, anyway. I’m not the most social creature on the planet, so I generally avoided the social aspect of the “stay” by pitching in to help (good practice, btw!!) and interacting with the kids.
    As for the giving parties part, we only did (and will do for the little one) family parties until kindergarten. And when my son had his first friend party with all the games, decorations, etc, it was a BIG deal. He enjoyed every single one of them because it wasn’t something he’d always had. Now that he’s older of course, we do it different every year… one year a sleepover, last birthday it was a camping trip with 3 friends.
    Just do whatever makes you and your little people happy and try not to worry too much about what everyone else is doing. Can be easier said than done, but MUCH less stressful in the long run!

  13. My friend teaches Kindergarten at a private school in Toronto and they have a policy against passing out party invitations in class, and the kids are not to talk about birthday parties at all while in class. I used to think that kind of plastic bubble approach against the cruel, cruel world was a unnecessary – only delaying by one year the inevitable social stratification that’ll see some kids failing to be included. But Sam and Carter are coming home with invitations to birthday parties for children they never even talk about never mind consider friends, leaving their moms wondering should they go? do we have to then invite the whole class when it’s our boys’ turn? Oh, bloody hell, do we have to make friends with 20 mothers and sacrifice precious Saturday afternoon hours to the torture of Cosmic Adventures? Blech; kind of jealous now of the private school rule. No answers here! Looking forward to hearing what you decide to do.
    On the double party/one cake issue, I’ll ring in with this: “WHAT kind of MONSTER are you?!” heheh … I once knew kids who were born 2 years apart, but on the same day, so one party. I still shed a quiet tear for the injustice of it all. The birthday spotlight just isn’t built for two…

  14. I don’t want to look like I’m giving a shameless plug…..so I won’t mention (for those of you in Simcoe County/GTA) inviting The Critter Guy and letting him and his creepy critters entertain your kids for about an hour. And yes I can only say ‘about’. I’ve noticed that after about 45min I could walk a bloody elephant through the room and the kids would still be looking over my (and each others) shoulders mumbling “Cake?….Loot bags?….When?…Need sugar and free swag….”. HHHmmmmm….was that what you meant by subtle Dani! Heehee!
    OK, ok…honestly I’d say it’s a definite drop-off and let the kids figure it out. Learning to socialize is HUGE at that age (and for many years to come). Only way they’ll learn how to socially integrate with other groups of kids is…well…to let’em do it!
    You’ll never learn how to behave around others unless you learn how to behave around others.

  15. Critter Guy, you do birthday parties???? Oh my god, I would *SO* pay your expenses to get you up here some time with even a portion of your entourage! And I’m not above a shameless plug for my bestest friends… that’s http://www.thecritterguy.com if anyone is interested!
    I am fascinated by everyone’s response. Thank you so much – I am greatly reassured by the many different opinions. And Trixie, you nailed my concerns perfectly. Perhaps I should hire you as an editor? You parsed down to two paragraphs what I was trying to say in many more than two!

  16. I only have one child, but I have several brothers, and two of them were born a week apart (date-wise!). We tried it both ways, and separate birthdays were better. Both boys were also born close to Christmas, so not only were they competing with each other but with Jesus as well! Separate birthdays – you’re celebrating their individuality as much as anything else.
    I always stayed when Z-boy went to parites. Glad I did, as one party turned out to feature a lot of other mothers – who were also hookers. Believe me, there were a lot of questions, and my presence forced a normality to the proceedings that probably wouldn’t have been there if I hadn’t been. Since that time, I have ONLY accepted invitations from kids who have been talked about in our home and that I know are considered friends of my son.
    Being one of many children, my parents just couldn’t do the party thing and adopted, what I think is sensible, a plan of having “friends” parties only when you are 6, 10, and 16. The rest of our birthdays were strictly family and maybe one friend. I’ve adopted that with my own son, who is 7 now, and it seems to work pretty well!

  17. With Sarah, at 3 yrs we stayed, at 4 it depended on where, and at 5 we rarely stay but we know most of the parents now. Cosmic Adventure type parties, I’d still stay. Someplace new, I’d stay for a few minutes to see if Sarah was comfortable and to make sure that I was. If not, I’d stay. And like the others say, we usually drop back about 20-30 min before the end (that way you get cake!). 🙂 Although you may not know the parents well enough to be comfortable – they likely will be the ones you’ll see over and over for the next few years, so it’s good to get to know them.
    I think if you asked Tristan, he could tell you a few names of kids he plays with – after two months, Sarah could tell us and the group has changed only slightly in the two years since then. The teacher should be able to help you with that, too. Last year we said 4 yrs=4 friends and we coached her to say “my mommy said…” so no one could blame her. 😉 Some of the parents invite 10 or 15, but I refuse to be intimidated into having a huge party. I think you can pick and choose, even from daycare. We’ve found that mixing kids from different venues (i.e. school with daycare or neighbours) doesn’t work well. And although you may not invite the 18 mo kid sister, she might show up anyway.

  18. My older son turned 4 a few weeks ago. We had his birthday party at Dovercourt Recreation Centre. It was perfect. For the 3-5 year olds the party is only 1.5 hours. You can pick from a variety of themes. They play a few games and do a fun craft. They do all the clean up. It’s not too pricey.
    In response to your issues:
    1) Depends on the expectaions of the host. I’ve seen people write “Drop-off optional.” If it’s ok to leave, then go for it. Just come back a few minutes early. I’d be nervous though to leave them at a place like Cosmic Adventures at this age.
    2) I think a joint party is totally cool. Even sharing a cake (as long as they both have candles to blow out).
    3) Who to invite is the really difficult part. Sounds like you can keep it to those you love and maybe just the daycare kids they are closest to. If it is just one younger sibling in question I would probably just invite that kid if it didn’t open a whole can of worms with other siblings.
    Good luck!

  19. Oh, I guess I’m a veteran at having done 11 parties so far. Come over to my blog, I’ll answer your questions in a post over there. Otherwise it will just take WAY too darn long.
    😛

  20. I know I am the minority here but all my siblings were born in the same month as I and we usually had one big sheet cake with all our names on it at one party with just 3 friends each to the party. This was the norm for us for quite a few years until we grew out of birthday parties.
    I never felt cheated out of anything and I always enjoyed celebrating with my sister and brother. Maybe it taught us that sharing was good? Who knows. We usually did a lot together as a family and this wasn’t out of the normal for us. My sister is almost 1 year older, my brother is 2 years younger. I have another brother who was born in a separate month and never thought twice that he got to celebrate on his own.

  21. i’m alittle slow at commenting and never had to combined parties wince my kids are 11 years apart. BUT When Miranda was young like Simon we had family parties maybe a friend or two. WITH the parents invited. Usually for cake. Nothing else. As she hit school we invited only the girls she played with. never thboys, she never asked for them.
    Nathan has had the same thing so far this summer we may invite a freind or two but he has already aske for a GIRL to come. So we will invite her and the parents (hapen to know them so it will make it easier)
    I would say combined the the two in a way. Family party on Simon birthday for both and then as Tristian to invite a couple of friends, he really likes from class.
    As for dropping them off at people house I didn’t know. I was never crazy about that and still not. BUT Living in a small coumminuty made it easier. i would ask the parents I knew if they were sending there kids and what they thought. Parnoid but it works.
    Good luck with your parties.

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