How do you know your family is complete? How did you decide? Did you always know? Did you just stop? Were you forced to stop by circumstance, or forced to accept more than you expected?
What’s it like for families who don’t have the spectres of infertility and loss lurking in the shadows of their hearts? How different would all this be if we hadn’t struggled so hard to earn the two precious boys we have?
In one minute, I’m perfectly content to stop. Two beautiful boys is a lifetime of blessings. And then the pendulum swings, and with entirely the same amount of conviction, I know that we’ll have another child. Know it in my bones. It’s a truth, a certainty. That lasts about an hour, and then I don’t know again.
When I look at Tristan and Simon and how truly wonderful they are, I can’t help but think that having another child – boy or girl – would be more of the same, therefore wonderful. How can I say no to the idea of more of the most amazing thing that ever happened to me?
And then the fear kicks in. The fear of pain, the fear of loss, but mostly the fear of really fucking things up. It’s not the idea of the third child that scares me. It’s the risk. The what-ifs.
What if we decide to try, we commit to the idea of that third child, and then we can’t conceive? How long do we try? How do we decide to stop trying? Can I face month after month of not conceiving – again? Can Beloved?
And if we can get past the fear of trying (and let me tell you, even after Tristan and Simon, the struggle with infertility has left deep and painful scars on my heart. Mine, and Beloved’s too)… even if we get past the fear of trying, there are so very many things that can go wrong.
If we are lucky enough to conceive again, I’m now 37 years old and officially of advanced maternal age – and with a history of infertility and miscarriage. Can I deal with nine months of paranoia? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I don’t have another miscarriage, but something is wrong with the baby and we have to face a horrible decision? What if the baby is born, but that baby has needs beyond our ability to cope? Do I even have the right to risk my family’s collective future simply because I selfishly want that which was denied to me?
And these are beyond the more pedestrian worries of whether the boys will be content with another sibling, whether Simon be okay as a middle child, whether I’ll have enough time and energy for a whole other person in the family, how we’ll cope with the logistics of five in a world that favours families of four. All these things seem trivial now, but just six weeks ago seemed like epic problems.
I need closure, trite as that expression may be. I need to know that I can give away my maternity clothes, get rid of the crib, and pack up the baby gear for good. I need to be able to pick out a few favourite things that I’ll keep for sentimental sake, and get rid of the rest of it. I have boxes on boxes of baby and toddler clothes, toys, bottles and spoons and bowls, a baby tub and a cradle and a playpen. I have baby gates and booster seats, stacks of bibs and blankets and towels, and shoes in every size. I have three strollers and three car seats and a beautiful pine crib – and I just to know whether I’ll ever need them again.
That’s a lot of clutter in my house, but mostly it’s a lot of clutter in my heart. I need to know. I can’t just let the idea of my next child drift away like the sunlight fades out of a summer day, dragging on for months or years. I don’t want to feel this sad yearning uncertainty forever. I need to know.
It’s rather like when a spouse dies, isn’t it? How long do I hang on? How long before I can move on?
The size of your family is a very personal thing. My parents would have had 7 children if my brother Jeffrey hadn’t died right after birth. And there were many more miscarriages. But a large family, planned or not, was what was destined for my parents (who HAD planned to stop at 2!). I, on the other hand, have only one. And I waited until I was 37 to have him. Mostly, I was scared. I’d also had multiple miscarriages, but when this pregnancy came along, my doctor kept a very close eye on me and it was absolutlely trouble-free. And I always thought we might have another one, but it never happened. I felt like I was too old (and my husband is 10 years older than I am) to chance it again – both for myself and for the baby. And now that we had this one child, I don’t know if we could have dealt financially with a child that might not be perfectly healthy. The first time around, I was ready for that. But not the second. So we stopped at one. And life it perfect, as far as I’m concerned.
The other question that needs to be asked here is: does your next child HAVE to come from your body? How do you feel about adopting or having a surrogate? If financial concerns are not an issue and your desire is great enough, perhaps that’s the route you should take. Just some ideas for your consideration.
Whichever way you go, your family is yours and is complete when you feel it is, not when someone else tells you that it is.
It’s rather like when a spouse dies, isn’t it? How long do I hang on? How long before I can move on?
The size of your family is a very personal thing. My parents would have had 7 children if my brother Jeffrey hadn’t died right after birth. And there were many more miscarriages. But a large family, planned or not, was what was destined for my parents (who HAD planned to stop at 2!). I, on the other hand, have only one. And I waited until I was 37 to have him. Mostly, I was scared. I’d also had multiple miscarriages, but when this pregnancy came along, my doctor kept a very close eye on me and it was absolutlely trouble-free. And I always thought we might have another one, but it never happened. I felt like I was too old (and my husband is 10 years older than I am) to chance it again – both for myself and for the baby. And now that we had this one child, I don’t know if we could have dealt financially with a child that might not be perfectly healthy. The first time around, I was ready for that. But not the second. So we stopped at one. And life it perfect, as far as I’m concerned.
The other question that needs to be asked here is: does your next child HAVE to come from your body? How do you feel about adopting or having a surrogate? If financial concerns are not an issue and your desire is great enough, perhaps that’s the route you should take. Just some ideas for your consideration.
Whichever way you go, your family is yours and is complete when you feel it is, not when someone else tells you that it is.
Can’t imagine how tough it is for you to try to make this decision with your head and heart, rather than just somehow “knowing” the answer with the fibres of your being. I wasn’t planning on Sam and hadn’t (even at 35) really decided one way or another on having children at all. Then Sam shot down from the stars and took us all by surprise. Waking up the morning after his birth to the site of father and son snuggled on the hospital cot next to me was the second bolt from the blue: this is it — this is the family. Complete. Haven’t thought twice about it since. I’m a lucky girl, I know. But so are you! If it’s coming in waves instead of bolts, well, ride them for now. I bet you’ll soon feel a turn of the tide one way or another, and then you’ll have your answer.
Can’t imagine how tough it is for you to try to make this decision with your head and heart, rather than just somehow “knowing” the answer with the fibres of your being. I wasn’t planning on Sam and hadn’t (even at 35) really decided one way or another on having children at all. Then Sam shot down from the stars and took us all by surprise. Waking up the morning after his birth to the site of father and son snuggled on the hospital cot next to me was the second bolt from the blue: this is it — this is the family. Complete. Haven’t thought twice about it since. I’m a lucky girl, I know. But so are you! If it’s coming in waves instead of bolts, well, ride them for now. I bet you’ll soon feel a turn of the tide one way or another, and then you’ll have your answer.
Our factors in deciding the end number were: trouble getting pregnant, advanced maternal age (the risks involved with it), lack of a salary (can’t live off a part-time one), resources.
We faced the same dilemma, although not officially fertility-challenged. But it took so long to have #3 that we kind of ran out of time to have #4 (big gap between #2 and #3).I was also worried about AMA, even with #3.And, being the main income earner without maternity top ups, we could not afford for me to be off work. And (it’s a lot of ands) we both felt our “resources” – time, energy, money, scheduling, individual attention – were maxed. So it naturally eveolved that we stoppped at 3. I personally have no regrets, and don’t have those cravings for more because what we have is perfect – balanced and relaxed, and a great team.
It wasn’t a black and white moment when we decided this, rather nature just ran it’s course. I thought I’d be sad at giving away the baby things, but most of them went to people we know (including you!) and that was comforting.
Tough decision, but it feels good once you come to peace with whatever you decide.
Our factors in deciding the end number were: trouble getting pregnant, advanced maternal age (the risks involved with it), lack of a salary (can’t live off a part-time one), resources.
We faced the same dilemma, although not officially fertility-challenged. But it took so long to have #3 that we kind of ran out of time to have #4 (big gap between #2 and #3).I was also worried about AMA, even with #3.And, being the main income earner without maternity top ups, we could not afford for me to be off work. And (it’s a lot of ands) we both felt our “resources” – time, energy, money, scheduling, individual attention – were maxed. So it naturally eveolved that we stoppped at 3. I personally have no regrets, and don’t have those cravings for more because what we have is perfect – balanced and relaxed, and a great team.
It wasn’t a black and white moment when we decided this, rather nature just ran it’s course. I thought I’d be sad at giving away the baby things, but most of them went to people we know (including you!) and that was comforting.
Tough decision, but it feels good once you come to peace with whatever you decide.
I’ve been feeling the same exact emotions. It is so refreshing to hear them from someone outside my own head!
Our “trying” for another child has been fruitless to date and I keep staring at all the stuff/clutter like you do and wonder … do we continue, do we stop? How much fruitless “trying” can a marriage take? How committed are we really to having another child?
My friends just “knew.” I wish I did too.
I’ve been feeling the same exact emotions. It is so refreshing to hear them from someone outside my own head!
Our “trying” for another child has been fruitless to date and I keep staring at all the stuff/clutter like you do and wonder … do we continue, do we stop? How much fruitless “trying” can a marriage take? How committed are we really to having another child?
My friends just “knew.” I wish I did too.
Wow… I wish I had answers for you. I’m one of the “lucky” ones who had no trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant. Of course I’m single, never-been-married and neither fathers are involved – their choice – so my boys weren’t exactly planned. It’s a whole different set of worries, anxieties and problems in my situation. I never thought about or wondered if my family was complete. It is what it is. It was what it was when it was just me and the older one, it’s been quite a transition adding the baby (there are 8 years between my boys!), but I don’t think, now, that I would change a thing. I will admit I cried a lot during the early part of my second pregnancy and (also due to emotional abuse by the father) ended up on antidepressants throughout. If I could go back? I’d still have him – in a heartbeat – but I would have handled things differently. Sometimes you don’t know you want something until you have it.
I think you’ll know what you want, what’s right for your family, when the time is right. You’re still grieving and I’m not sure it IS time to make this decision. No, you’re not getting any younger, but are the risks that much more at 38 than 37? And as someone else mentioned… does the next one have to come from your body? You do have options, you have time, and you need to let your heart speak and tell you what it wants. Simon will be FINE as a middle child (I am one myself – 2nd of 3 girls, 2 yrs apart) and would probably love a new brother or sister.
My long winded, rambling point is… you’ll know when you know. Maybe just letting nature take it’s course and see what happens is right, maybe looking into adoption or surrogacy is right – nobody can answer those questions for you. If I were you, I’d keep hold of those things you’re not quite ready to part with yet and just *see*.
Wow… I wish I had answers for you. I’m one of the “lucky” ones who had no trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant. Of course I’m single, never-been-married and neither fathers are involved – their choice – so my boys weren’t exactly planned. It’s a whole different set of worries, anxieties and problems in my situation. I never thought about or wondered if my family was complete. It is what it is. It was what it was when it was just me and the older one, it’s been quite a transition adding the baby (there are 8 years between my boys!), but I don’t think, now, that I would change a thing. I will admit I cried a lot during the early part of my second pregnancy and (also due to emotional abuse by the father) ended up on antidepressants throughout. If I could go back? I’d still have him – in a heartbeat – but I would have handled things differently. Sometimes you don’t know you want something until you have it.
I think you’ll know what you want, what’s right for your family, when the time is right. You’re still grieving and I’m not sure it IS time to make this decision. No, you’re not getting any younger, but are the risks that much more at 38 than 37? And as someone else mentioned… does the next one have to come from your body? You do have options, you have time, and you need to let your heart speak and tell you what it wants. Simon will be FINE as a middle child (I am one myself – 2nd of 3 girls, 2 yrs apart) and would probably love a new brother or sister.
My long winded, rambling point is… you’ll know when you know. Maybe just letting nature take it’s course and see what happens is right, maybe looking into adoption or surrogacy is right – nobody can answer those questions for you. If I were you, I’d keep hold of those things you’re not quite ready to part with yet and just *see*.
Oh Dani, if only there was a right and wrong answer. When dining with a bunch of fine ladies last spring I asked the same question. I got some good answers. Some of them ‘knew’ they were done. The others are struggling just like you and I. I asked my mother, who being a Mom of four and loving every minute of pregnancy and motherhood, said, after your youngest Sister arrived I just knew that four was the magic number. There was no need to wonder, I just knew it in my heart.
I say until you know it in your heart hang on a little while longer to all your stuff. You will know what to do when the time is right.
Hugs.
Oh Dani, if only there was a right and wrong answer. When dining with a bunch of fine ladies last spring I asked the same question. I got some good answers. Some of them ‘knew’ they were done. The others are struggling just like you and I. I asked my mother, who being a Mom of four and loving every minute of pregnancy and motherhood, said, after your youngest Sister arrived I just knew that four was the magic number. There was no need to wonder, I just knew it in my heart.
I say until you know it in your heart hang on a little while longer to all your stuff. You will know what to do when the time is right.
Hugs.
We’ve been trying to clean up the chaos in our basement this week, looking for recipients for all the baby stuff I don’t quite want to throw out. It seems safest, somehow, to lend everything out to other people – if I ever need it again, I know where it is.
That need for closure you describe tells me how very much you long for a third child. I have no desire, right now, to have another baby – but I hang on to everything just in case that desire appears at some point in the future (and in case of accidents; and in order to fend off accidents).
Would it help to choose a date on which to make this decision? It doesn’t seem to me that you’re ready to burn that bridge right now, as much as doing so might alleviate the pressure of the hopes, doubts, and fears that you describe. Could you decide to make your decision, either to start trying or to close the door, by the end of March, or June, or September? Perhaps that would help you set aside that mental process for a couple more months while you grieve and recover.
We’ve been trying to clean up the chaos in our basement this week, looking for recipients for all the baby stuff I don’t quite want to throw out. It seems safest, somehow, to lend everything out to other people – if I ever need it again, I know where it is.
That need for closure you describe tells me how very much you long for a third child. I have no desire, right now, to have another baby – but I hang on to everything just in case that desire appears at some point in the future (and in case of accidents; and in order to fend off accidents).
Would it help to choose a date on which to make this decision? It doesn’t seem to me that you’re ready to burn that bridge right now, as much as doing so might alleviate the pressure of the hopes, doubts, and fears that you describe. Could you decide to make your decision, either to start trying or to close the door, by the end of March, or June, or September? Perhaps that would help you set aside that mental process for a couple more months while you grieve and recover.
I still want two, but we’re stopping with one (MS is 10 years older than I am). My BIL’s parents started out wanting 6, then they had BIL and said, “Okay, maybe 5.” then had BIL’s sister and said, “Okay, 4”, then had his other sister and said, “We’re done.”
I guess my answer is that you don’t know until you know.
I still want two, but we’re stopping with one (MS is 10 years older than I am). My BIL’s parents started out wanting 6, then they had BIL and said, “Okay, maybe 5.” then had BIL’s sister and said, “Okay, 4”, then had his other sister and said, “We’re done.”
I guess my answer is that you don’t know until you know.
This is such a tough decision, Dani. I had my first child at 20 in circumstances less than ideal – unmarried, uninterested father, in the Army stationed in Bavaria, so freaking immature). When I met the man I would eventually marry, we wanted another child as soon as possible. It took us nearly four years to get pregnant with my daughter.
Our marriage has had more downs than ups so I really was quite done having children when I accidentally became pregnant with my youngest. I spent most of my pregnancy sick and the first two or so years of his life severely depressed.
Part of me, because I am only 33, would love to maybe achieve a little more financial stability and a more supportive partner and then have one last baby before I hit menopause. However, I don’t know if I could mentally and physically deal with another pregnancy and newborn phase. My youngest is now five and in school all day. I love playing with my friends’ babies but I am glad to give them back.
So, I’ve decided I am done. I am mostly okay with this decision since there is no way I would bring another child into the world in my current situation but never feels so…. I don’t know, final. It’s like a final admission that I am middle-aged and no longer young.
This is such a tough decision, Dani. I had my first child at 20 in circumstances less than ideal – unmarried, uninterested father, in the Army stationed in Bavaria, so freaking immature). When I met the man I would eventually marry, we wanted another child as soon as possible. It took us nearly four years to get pregnant with my daughter.
Our marriage has had more downs than ups so I really was quite done having children when I accidentally became pregnant with my youngest. I spent most of my pregnancy sick and the first two or so years of his life severely depressed.
Part of me, because I am only 33, would love to maybe achieve a little more financial stability and a more supportive partner and then have one last baby before I hit menopause. However, I don’t know if I could mentally and physically deal with another pregnancy and newborn phase. My youngest is now five and in school all day. I love playing with my friends’ babies but I am glad to give them back.
So, I’ve decided I am done. I am mostly okay with this decision since there is no way I would bring another child into the world in my current situation but never feels so…. I don’t know, final. It’s like a final admission that I am middle-aged and no longer young.
I don’t know?
I’m AMA now too, and I seem to have a miscarriage for every success, so I’m batting .500 right now, with statistics not in my favor.
I’m also an only child, so every child we add moves me further and further from the familiarity of my own childhood.
I liked being pregnant, I love the baby stage, I know there’s room in my heart for more. The thought of there being no more babies under my heart and in my house makes me vaguely melancholic. But I also know in that heart that each child from here on out would probably degrade the quality of my parenting. Splitting love three ways rather than two grows MORE love. Splitting my attention the same way would just wrap my brain in knots. I’m not built to be the matriarch of a big family. I fear I’d become one of those movie-of-the-week case studies. And so we have our two, and stop here. My rational mind is more than satisfied with this. The irrational side gets more itchy when the baby rabies hit.
I don’t know?
I’m AMA now too, and I seem to have a miscarriage for every success, so I’m batting .500 right now, with statistics not in my favor.
I’m also an only child, so every child we add moves me further and further from the familiarity of my own childhood.
I liked being pregnant, I love the baby stage, I know there’s room in my heart for more. The thought of there being no more babies under my heart and in my house makes me vaguely melancholic. But I also know in that heart that each child from here on out would probably degrade the quality of my parenting. Splitting love three ways rather than two grows MORE love. Splitting my attention the same way would just wrap my brain in knots. I’m not built to be the matriarch of a big family. I fear I’d become one of those movie-of-the-week case studies. And so we have our two, and stop here. My rational mind is more than satisfied with this. The irrational side gets more itchy when the baby rabies hit.
(hugs) Dani. For me, it took years to know. Years and finally letting go and accepting that whatever would happen was meant to be. I also set a date for myself (35) and said that if I wasn’t pregnant again by then, then I was really, truly, done. I couldn’t take the desperate feelings, the back and forth between me and my husband…it was consuming me.
I sat back and enjoyed my son, and waited. It never happened. For me now, I just think that it’s the way things were meant to be. Am I happy with it? Yes. I sometimes think that maybe I would have struggled with infertility too (no b/c for years and no baby? Hello!) and it was just a gentler way to find out.
Be gentle on yourself, Dani, you’ve been through a lot. The time will come when you know.
(hugs) Dani. For me, it took years to know. Years and finally letting go and accepting that whatever would happen was meant to be. I also set a date for myself (35) and said that if I wasn’t pregnant again by then, then I was really, truly, done. I couldn’t take the desperate feelings, the back and forth between me and my husband…it was consuming me.
I sat back and enjoyed my son, and waited. It never happened. For me now, I just think that it’s the way things were meant to be. Am I happy with it? Yes. I sometimes think that maybe I would have struggled with infertility too (no b/c for years and no baby? Hello!) and it was just a gentler way to find out.
Be gentle on yourself, Dani, you’ve been through a lot. The time will come when you know.
Great post. I love how you can be so candid with the blog world. I’m wondering how you when you know to start a family. Good luck and I look forward to reading more as you figure things out.
Great post. I love how you can be so candid with the blog world. I’m wondering how you when you know to start a family. Good luck and I look forward to reading more as you figure things out.
I always thought I only wanted two; it never really mattered about the gender, just two. And then I had my two girls exactly two years apart and it was perfect for us. It was the duplicate of my own family, my sister and I, a little more than a year apart. It was just what I wanted. Or so I thought.
Then, it hit me, about 5 years down the road, I didn’t decide that I wanted another one, just let things kind of go their own way. And John happened. And then 3 felt perfect, just as 2 had.
So, what’s my point? I’m not sure. Maybe just let things happen, don’t take precautions, just let yourself be surprised. You may be surprised to find out that 2 is the number for you. Or maybe not.
I always thought I only wanted two; it never really mattered about the gender, just two. And then I had my two girls exactly two years apart and it was perfect for us. It was the duplicate of my own family, my sister and I, a little more than a year apart. It was just what I wanted. Or so I thought.
Then, it hit me, about 5 years down the road, I didn’t decide that I wanted another one, just let things kind of go their own way. And John happened. And then 3 felt perfect, just as 2 had.
So, what’s my point? I’m not sure. Maybe just let things happen, don’t take precautions, just let yourself be surprised. You may be surprised to find out that 2 is the number for you. Or maybe not.
hugs and hugs and hugs…
I completely get this post. I know it sounds stupid since I have 5 kids and all that we went through to have them and I’m finally breaking even in the live child to loss ratio.
I always wanted seven kids. Yes. I know. But I have. After our last devastating loss and then finally a live birth, we said enough. But, here she is 3 mos old and I’m yearning again.
I keep wondering if I’ll ever know what to do after slaying the seven fingered man. KWIM? Is this an IF addiction? Will enough ever be enough?
crap. that didn’t help at all.
hugs and hugs and hugs…
I completely get this post. I know it sounds stupid since I have 5 kids and all that we went through to have them and I’m finally breaking even in the live child to loss ratio.
I always wanted seven kids. Yes. I know. But I have. After our last devastating loss and then finally a live birth, we said enough. But, here she is 3 mos old and I’m yearning again.
I keep wondering if I’ll ever know what to do after slaying the seven fingered man. KWIM? Is this an IF addiction? Will enough ever be enough?
crap. that didn’t help at all.
I started kind of late. I conceived Leah when I was 35 and gave birth at 36. Got pregnant again at 37 and miscarried. Concieved again and gave birth to Rachel a month before I turned 39. If I hadn’t felt complete, biology would have stopped me. It was a mix of things that convinced me that I was finished having babies: concerns over fetal chromosomal abnormalities due to advancing age, worries about sending more than 2 kids to university, small house, small car, all the mundane, concrete, logical things. But also a feeling inside, that *this* was my family. This was how it was always supposed to be. And gaining the ability to look at and hold small babies without the pangs of longing, those little ovarian twinges that I used to get when Leah was a baby, the wanting more. That’s done now. I can cuddle those babies and then hand them back without a qualm.
Good luck with your decision, Dani.
I started kind of late. I conceived Leah when I was 35 and gave birth at 36. Got pregnant again at 37 and miscarried. Concieved again and gave birth to Rachel a month before I turned 39. If I hadn’t felt complete, biology would have stopped me. It was a mix of things that convinced me that I was finished having babies: concerns over fetal chromosomal abnormalities due to advancing age, worries about sending more than 2 kids to university, small house, small car, all the mundane, concrete, logical things. But also a feeling inside, that *this* was my family. This was how it was always supposed to be. And gaining the ability to look at and hold small babies without the pangs of longing, those little ovarian twinges that I used to get when Leah was a baby, the wanting more. That’s done now. I can cuddle those babies and then hand them back without a qualm.
Good luck with your decision, Dani.
I went deep into my archives to find this for you:
http://breadcrumbsinthebutter.typepad.com/bread_crumbs_in_the_butte/2005/02/apparantly_if_l.html
I wish you peace in making this decision. You know you have a lot of support either way!
I went deep into my archives to find this for you:
http://breadcrumbsinthebutter.typepad.com/bread_crumbs_in_the_butte/2005/02/apparantly_if_l.html
I wish you peace in making this decision. You know you have a lot of support either way!
(((((((HUGS)))))))Dani, here’s hoping that 2007 brings some clarity to your heart and in your head.
You are still in grieving mode, raw emotions right under the surface. Be gentle to yourself, let time heal your wounds and help you make your goals clearer. One day, it will happen.
For now, keep all your stuff and cherish what you already have.
Obviously every woman has a different story on when they knew that they were complete. Its all a matter of circumstances that life throws at you.
My story: I grew up, as an only child, with a vision of myself as a career woman with huge philanthropic goals. There was no place for a husband let alone children. And if you told me back then that I’d be where I am now, I would have laughed you out.
Yet, I fell in love and eventually married. SIXTEEN years with this man before child#1 arrived. It was weird, I had my own family now, and we were content as we counted our blessings for this miracle. And I kept all the baby stuff knowing that in all probability we’d never use it again. But then this yearning started. And it gained momentum. It became an obsession. I wasn’t recognizing myself. What was happening to me? I was supposed to be a career woman, what ‘s with this sudden yearning for more kids? Was it my biological clock creating havoc with my mind? Our life was great, why throw more chaos in it. Unexplainable really. But there it was. And we ended up with twins at 40. And 3 felt perfect. But the yearning was still there, CRAZY! I figured if I could handle twins, I could handle more. And look at these beautiful children we produced. I wonder what another one would look like? Addictive and nuts. It hit me like a bolt: a summer day when I was 44 and taking care of a cousin’s little ones. I’m done. Really I am. now. And what a road its been to get to this point. Tortuous and full of surprises.
Take care my friend
(((((((HUGS)))))))Dani, here’s hoping that 2007 brings some clarity to your heart and in your head.
You are still in grieving mode, raw emotions right under the surface. Be gentle to yourself, let time heal your wounds and help you make your goals clearer. One day, it will happen.
For now, keep all your stuff and cherish what you already have.
Obviously every woman has a different story on when they knew that they were complete. Its all a matter of circumstances that life throws at you.
My story: I grew up, as an only child, with a vision of myself as a career woman with huge philanthropic goals. There was no place for a husband let alone children. And if you told me back then that I’d be where I am now, I would have laughed you out.
Yet, I fell in love and eventually married. SIXTEEN years with this man before child#1 arrived. It was weird, I had my own family now, and we were content as we counted our blessings for this miracle. And I kept all the baby stuff knowing that in all probability we’d never use it again. But then this yearning started. And it gained momentum. It became an obsession. I wasn’t recognizing myself. What was happening to me? I was supposed to be a career woman, what ‘s with this sudden yearning for more kids? Was it my biological clock creating havoc with my mind? Our life was great, why throw more chaos in it. Unexplainable really. But there it was. And we ended up with twins at 40. And 3 felt perfect. But the yearning was still there, CRAZY! I figured if I could handle twins, I could handle more. And look at these beautiful children we produced. I wonder what another one would look like? Addictive and nuts. It hit me like a bolt: a summer day when I was 44 and taking care of a cousin’s little ones. I’m done. Really I am. now. And what a road its been to get to this point. Tortuous and full of surprises.
Take care my friend
I have been trying to figure out what to write since I read this post 2 days ago.
I don’t know. I don’t have the answer. Not for you, nor for me. We wanted more children, and we wanted them to come more easily than they did. We feel so blessed with our two boys. Then we tried for that last chance (FET – you know all too much about that one) and it didn’t work. Then I turned 40, which was always our ‘decision date’. I have packed up and shipped everything away.
But I yearn. I oh, so badly would accept another, and I believe DH would too. We are not using any bcp (or the like) nor have we for almost 8 years. I don’t know when we will take any action, but for now, I still really really really yearn…even though I *think* we are done.
For some there is the B&W in this type of decisions, different for others. Don’t make any firm decisions until you are ready. REALLY ready, even if it takes years. I know what I would do if I were you.
Get busy.
I have been trying to figure out what to write since I read this post 2 days ago.
I don’t know. I don’t have the answer. Not for you, nor for me. We wanted more children, and we wanted them to come more easily than they did. We feel so blessed with our two boys. Then we tried for that last chance (FET – you know all too much about that one) and it didn’t work. Then I turned 40, which was always our ‘decision date’. I have packed up and shipped everything away.
But I yearn. I oh, so badly would accept another, and I believe DH would too. We are not using any bcp (or the like) nor have we for almost 8 years. I don’t know when we will take any action, but for now, I still really really really yearn…even though I *think* we are done.
For some there is the B&W in this type of decisions, different for others. Don’t make any firm decisions until you are ready. REALLY ready, even if it takes years. I know what I would do if I were you.
Get busy.
I have two. Always wanted at least three. BUT after having two and having to send them to daycare part time, I knew I couldn’t face doing that again. It absolutely broke my heart. That is what confirmed it for me. That and lots of time to get over the sadness of it. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t give away your baby things until your heart says it is ready. Now my kids are 13 and 16 and I am SO thankful for them. They fill up my life completely. AND I know now my decision was right… but I can understand exactly how you feel.
I have two. Always wanted at least three. BUT after having two and having to send them to daycare part time, I knew I couldn’t face doing that again. It absolutely broke my heart. That is what confirmed it for me. That and lots of time to get over the sadness of it. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t give away your baby things until your heart says it is ready. Now my kids are 13 and 16 and I am SO thankful for them. They fill up my life completely. AND I know now my decision was right… but I can understand exactly how you feel.