Getting ready for school – a monologue

Where the heck is that piece of paper with the school hours on it. (Rifles through stacks of paperwork on the end table, the kitchen counter and the shelf in the bathroom.) It’s his first day tomorrow, and I can’t remember the official school hours. Do I pick him up tomorrow at 11:15 or 11:30? Or is it 11:45? Where the hell is that paper?

Oh, here it is. Right, 11:25. Got it. Oh wait, what’s this? Oh crap. It’s a checklist of things I’m suppposed to send on the first day. Oh holy god, I completely forgot about this. And the cheque for the activity fees – that slipped my mind entirely. Okay, I can do this stuff. Don’t panic.

Chequebook…. chequebook… ah, leave it for now. What else? Oh right – labels. I ordered the labels for the shoes and the hats and the coat, they’re in here somewhere. (More rifling.) Here they are. I’ll let the iron heat up while I stick these stickers into his shoes.

Oh crap. This says I have to leave a pair of shoes at the school. I read this the other day, but I completely forgot about it. Honest to god, I’m so disorganized sometimes it’s a wonder I even graduated grade school myself. Okay, fair enough, it’s been a tiny bit of a hectic week this week, but really – it’s not like I haven’t seen this day coming!!

Okay, whatever. The boy needs to leave a pair of shoes at school. We only have one pair of shoes. Maybe I can cram his feet into the ones from last year, just for today? Hey, tomorrow there is a 40% chance of rain forecast. What if I send him in his rubber boots, and we’ll leave his regular Scooby runners at the school. That will work. Please god, let it rain tomorrow. Biblical proportions would be nice. Then we’ll just have to remember to run out to WalMart tomorrow so he’s not wearing his sandals for the rest of the week. Good plan. Except – will the kids mock him through high school because he showed up for his first day of kindergarten in rubber boots? That kind of label tends to stick for life… nah, forget it. They’re all four. He’ll be fine.

Next – iron-on labels. I’ve been meaning to get around to this for weeks, why am I doing it after bedtime the night before his first day? WHY? Ouch! Dammit, I just burned my finger trying to hold that tiny little label against the seam of the inside of his Thomas hat. Shake it off, no time for bactine right now. Hmmm, I wonder if maybe I should turn down the iron when I put the label on this polyvinyl coat? Nah, the instructions on the label say to use high heat, and I’m sure this fleece lining will insulate it. Oh CRAP! I just melted fleece AND polyvinyl all over the iron. What the heck am I going to use to iron my work clothes tomorrow? Note to self: add new iron to shopping list when going to WalMart for new shoes tomorrow.

Good enough on the labels. Okay, what’s next on the list? Oh, right. Donated supplies of a large box of ziploc bags, a box of kleenex and a family size hand sanitizer. I bought the ziploc bags last weekend, and the kleenex, but I forgot about the hand sanitizer. Shall I run out to the drugstore now? Should I attach an IOU and send it Tuesday? Am I now labelling my child not only as Rubber Boot Boy, but as the one whose mother isn’t a team player and didn’t send the hand sanitizer on the first day??

Whatever. Next week will have to do. Next? Right, change of clothes to leave at the school in case of accident. At least I thought to organize this on the weekend. Oh oh. It says I’m supposed to put them in a labelled ziploc bag. I only have sandwich-sized ziplocs left. Can I open the box I’m donating to the class and pilfer one? That seems wrong. Oh the angst. I’m the mother who has no taste in footwear, forgets the hand sanitizer AND steals ziploc bags from the children. Next week, I promise I’ll send a whole new unopened box in addition to the box-minus-one that I’m sending tomorrow. And a jumbo hand sanitizer.

And finally, the cheque. The cheque. Oh for the love of god, where is my chequebook? I can’t remember the last time I wrote a cheque for something. Can I send cash? Do they take debit? (sound of massive amounts of paperwork being displaced) Why can I find a chequebook for an account I closed in 1994, but not my current one? That’s just wrong.

Okay, here it is. I’m supposed to send $25. Will they like me better and forgive my first-day transgressions if I add an extra $5? Is it bad to bribe the teacher? Too risky to chance it – the substitute looked pretty straight-laced. Okay, $25 – done. An hour and a half later, we’re finally organized and ready for the first day of school.

Scratch that – Tristan is ready, but I don’t think I’m even close to ready…

Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

32 thoughts on “Getting ready for school – a monologue”

  1. You CRACK me up!!!
    I am fairly certain that he will be fine, as will you, but can you handle his rejection from Harvard cause he wore rubber boots on his very first day?? Can you?

  2. You CRACK me up!!!
    I am fairly certain that he will be fine, as will you, but can you handle his rejection from Harvard cause he wore rubber boots on his very first day?? Can you?

  3. I snorted diet dr pepper out my nose just now. it burns. not as much as not being able to find your chequebook, but I feel your pain.

  4. I snorted diet dr pepper out my nose just now. it burns. not as much as not being able to find your chequebook, but I feel your pain.

  5. Sadly, it is neither fiction, satire nor even hyperbole. 100% unvarnished truth. Yikes!
    Just dropped him off. He’s so proud of himself it’s shining like sunlight out of every pore. I’m so proud I could burst… and thank god for small favours, it’s pouring cats and dogs. I never thought I’d be so grateful for a rainy first day of school…

  6. Sadly, it is neither fiction, satire nor even hyperbole. 100% unvarnished truth. Yikes!
    Just dropped him off. He’s so proud of himself it’s shining like sunlight out of every pore. I’m so proud I could burst… and thank god for small favours, it’s pouring cats and dogs. I never thought I’d be so grateful for a rainy first day of school…

  7. It’s all going on his permanent record.
    And you? You’re allowed to have another?!! Thank goodness you’re allowed the first one or two children as practice ones, right!

  8. It’s all going on his permanent record.
    And you? You’re allowed to have another?!! Thank goodness you’re allowed the first one or two children as practice ones, right!

  9. Yay Tristan! Rae starts this afternoon. I was feeling pretty smug about being ready, I remembered to buy the ziplocs (though they were no-name), the tissues, the glue stick, the extra shoes, but had foolishly slated the night before the first day of school to do her “homework” with her. At Rachel’s intake intake interview we were given a large bristol board flower on which we had to glue things and bring it back today for the bulletin board. Last night, Rae fell asleep *during* dinner and there’s just no waking her when she goes down. So this a.m. I had to take Leah (the big sister) to the daycare in order for her to catch her bus, then rush Rae back home to glue stuff, then take her back to daycare so that I can get some work done (working from home today) in order to rush back to daycare and take pictures and sob as she gets on the school bus at lunchtime.
    Oh, and even if you had remembered to buy all that stuff? You wouldn’t be able to shoehorn it into Tristan’s backpack anyway. I jammed in Rae’s snack bag, her homework, her shoes, her gluestick, and the ziplocs with a note saying the rest would follow next week.
    Hope Tristan enjoys himself.

  10. Yay Tristan! Rae starts this afternoon. I was feeling pretty smug about being ready, I remembered to buy the ziplocs (though they were no-name), the tissues, the glue stick, the extra shoes, but had foolishly slated the night before the first day of school to do her “homework” with her. At Rachel’s intake intake interview we were given a large bristol board flower on which we had to glue things and bring it back today for the bulletin board. Last night, Rae fell asleep *during* dinner and there’s just no waking her when she goes down. So this a.m. I had to take Leah (the big sister) to the daycare in order for her to catch her bus, then rush Rae back home to glue stuff, then take her back to daycare so that I can get some work done (working from home today) in order to rush back to daycare and take pictures and sob as she gets on the school bus at lunchtime.
    Oh, and even if you had remembered to buy all that stuff? You wouldn’t be able to shoehorn it into Tristan’s backpack anyway. I jammed in Rae’s snack bag, her homework, her shoes, her gluestick, and the ziplocs with a note saying the rest would follow next week.
    Hope Tristan enjoys himself.

  11. and add a couple of more children (with the youngest at a different school). I just open my good morning madame with “my apologies…it seems we have forgotten…” and then I run. fast.

  12. and add a couple of more children (with the youngest at a different school). I just open my good morning madame with “my apologies…it seems we have forgotten…” and then I run. fast.

  13. No condolences here (but lots of sympathy); I droppped child #3 (ergo lots of experience with first day at school) and didn’t have half the list because I waited until the morning of first day to buy supplies. Zellers had run out of lots of stuff, and I didn’t want to buy the items I was sure we had at home already, left over from another First Day for some other child (being Dutch). And lots of kids arrived looking fully stocked.
    In the end, i went to Walmart and got everything else, but it was for the 2nd day. No way to make an impression on a new school.
    By the way this is my 28th “First Day of school” and I’m not really any better at it than when I started.Yikes!

  14. No condolences here (but lots of sympathy); I droppped child #3 (ergo lots of experience with first day at school) and didn’t have half the list because I waited until the morning of first day to buy supplies. Zellers had run out of lots of stuff, and I didn’t want to buy the items I was sure we had at home already, left over from another First Day for some other child (being Dutch). And lots of kids arrived looking fully stocked.
    In the end, i went to Walmart and got everything else, but it was for the 2nd day. No way to make an impression on a new school.
    By the way this is my 28th “First Day of school” and I’m not really any better at it than when I started.Yikes!

  15. I feel compelled to tell you, Dani, that I burned holes in a swim cap trying to put in name labels for the first day of camp. The iron survived, but I sure felt dumb.
    Get one of the Rub-a-dub laundry markers for the unironable stuff and save yourself some angst. And burning plastic smells.

  16. I feel compelled to tell you, Dani, that I burned holes in a swim cap trying to put in name labels for the first day of camp. The iron survived, but I sure felt dumb.
    Get one of the Rub-a-dub laundry markers for the unironable stuff and save yourself some angst. And burning plastic smells.

  17. So. Funny. And remember, we’re definitely laughing with you and not at you. I’m so glad I’m not alone!! This describes every school night for me. I’m always looking for stuff, forgetting stuff… I think I still owe “party money” to the kindergarten teacher and today is the 18th day of school!! Thanks for reminding me – I had forgotten until I got to the part where you were looking for your checks. Then I did a mental head slap – I can’t believe I forgot the party money!!

  18. So. Funny. And remember, we’re definitely laughing with you and not at you. I’m so glad I’m not alone!! This describes every school night for me. I’m always looking for stuff, forgetting stuff… I think I still owe “party money” to the kindergarten teacher and today is the 18th day of school!! Thanks for reminding me – I had forgotten until I got to the part where you were looking for your checks. Then I did a mental head slap – I can’t believe I forgot the party money!!

  19. HAVE FUN TRISTAN…
    And please tell mommy that you’ll be alright and that you will have fun. And
    Rubber boots will start a trend. Rubbers are cool for 4 year olds.
    Hugs from
    Another mommy whos’ not ready but made it so far….

  20. HAVE FUN TRISTAN…
    And please tell mommy that you’ll be alright and that you will have fun. And
    Rubber boots will start a trend. Rubbers are cool for 4 year olds.
    Hugs from
    Another mommy whos’ not ready but made it so far….

  21. See, now wasn’t that easy? School is so simple, right? I swear, I’m astounded how people that have 3,4, 5 kids in school at the same time do it. I can barely scrape by with my 2. John M.’s just going to have to wait until he’s 18 to start school.

  22. See, now wasn’t that easy? School is so simple, right? I swear, I’m astounded how people that have 3,4, 5 kids in school at the same time do it. I can barely scrape by with my 2. John M.’s just going to have to wait until he’s 18 to start school.

  23. Whoo… LMAO… been there.
    Madeleine’s got it right.. I was gonna say get thee a Sharpie sister! I don’t iron unless under duress.
    Also: LAST NAME ONLY on the article so it will continue to be relevant when you pass it down.. provided said article survives.
    One last Mom-of-a-Schoolager tip: binder + three-hole plastic pockets = place to keep all those “OMFG-How-Could-I-Forget” things along with calendars etc. And if I might be so bold – ahem – choose a BRIGHT colour. 😉
    Congrats on your first run of the gauntlet!

  24. Whoo… LMAO… been there.
    Madeleine’s got it right.. I was gonna say get thee a Sharpie sister! I don’t iron unless under duress.
    Also: LAST NAME ONLY on the article so it will continue to be relevant when you pass it down.. provided said article survives.
    One last Mom-of-a-Schoolager tip: binder + three-hole plastic pockets = place to keep all those “OMFG-How-Could-I-Forget” things along with calendars etc. And if I might be so bold – ahem – choose a BRIGHT colour. 😉
    Congrats on your first run of the gauntlet!

  25. It’s crazymaking, isn’t it. I wish you could put down a deposit at the start of your kids’ school years — a reverse tab for $50, say — and say, “Call me when you need more cash. I can’t handle all the paperwork and looking for $3.25 for this and $5.75 for that at 7:30 am — especially x 4 kids. It never works out.”

  26. It’s crazymaking, isn’t it. I wish you could put down a deposit at the start of your kids’ school years — a reverse tab for $50, say — and say, “Call me when you need more cash. I can’t handle all the paperwork and looking for $3.25 for this and $5.75 for that at 7:30 am — especially x 4 kids. It never works out.”

  27. This was great! I’m like that every year. You would think by the fourth kid I would have some kind of routine down, but no ….

  28. This was great! I’m like that every year. You would think by the fourth kid I would have some kind of routine down, but no ….

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