The emotional gamut that is the two-week wait

by DaniGirl on July 27, 2006 · 34 comments

in Frostie,Infertility

It’s been a week since frostie became toastie – or, as Beloved has christened it, “Stickie”. We’re half way to resolution and I’m finding the wait much harder than I expected.

I know, I’m not exactly famous for my patience in the first place, but I kind of figured that I would have less emotional investment this time around. I mean, either outcome is wonderful – on one hand, we have a gorgeous family with just the four of us. On the other hand, we have a gorgeous family that is 25 per cent more – therefore 25 per cent more gorgeous – than before. I can’t lose.

And yet, I have spent a lot of time fretting. And flying. And fretting. And flying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m developing a theory on the two-week wait, because I’ve had a little bit too much time in my head to think about it. The two-week wait allows you to experience every single possible emotion on the spectrum, from elation to desolation, just to prepare you for any possible eventuality when you take that pregnancy test.

I started out pretty confident that Frostie>Toastie>Stickie had implanted, and I was pregnant. I had nothing to base it on but my own instincts, which have been pretty good about predicting actual pregnancies, but not so good at predicting gender. (I was gobsmacked to find out my babies were boys both times – I had been sure they were each a girl when I was pregnant.) I spent most of the weekend blissfully imagining how the next nine months might pass with me pregnant, and passed idle time considering how we’d arrange Tristan’s room into a shared room for the boys, and checked out other people’s mini-vans every time we drove somewhere.

I’ve slowly slid down the confidence scale to the point where I’m now fairly sure that it didn’t work. Why? Because I’ve spent WAY too much time in my head, that’s why. I don’t feel any pregnancy symptoms yet, although the deeply repressed logical part of my brain keeps insisting that at a full week before my period is due, there simply aren’t any symptoms to be felt.

Every couple of hours, I’ll have a random surge of confidence, and the gyroscope in my brain will announce it worked and I am pregnant. The alignment of dust motes in Namibia will cause a ripple in the Force a few hours later, and my emotional barometer will plummet, convincing me that the cycle has failed and menstruation is imminent.

It’s all becoming rather tiresome, to be honest.

At least it’s not as bad as the two-week wait with the IVF that resulted in Tristan. I had a toxic reaction to the estradiol level in my blood from the follicle stimulating hormones, and developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, a potentially serious condition that causes fluid to gather in your ovaries. Pregnancy excerbates the condition, and when my OHSS symptoms started to abate about five days after we transferred two embryos, I was so sure that the cycle failed I cried for days – including a rather embarrassing breakdown at the clinic when they told me my OHSS had cleared up enough that I didn’t need to come in for daily monitoring any more. In my hormone-addled brain, no OHSS = no pregnancy.

That was around six days after transfer, pretty close to where I am now. And then, three days after that at nine days post transfer, I started to feel sick and bloated, and when late in the day I started having trouble drawing a breath, I called the doctor on call to check in. He ordered me to the ER and to make a long story short, we found out that night that I was pregnant. (We found out two weeks later it was twins, and lost one of the twins two weeks after that. The whole story is here, if you haven’t read it yet.)

And all that means pretty much nothing. I just have to wait. And wait. And wait. Did I mention I’m not so good with the waiting?

I’m thinking of buying some bulk home pregnancy tests from the Extraordinary Baby Shoppe – they’re only four for five dollars, plus the freebie from my great OPK adventure. I could start testing on Monday, but I’m just not sure if I could handle a full week of negative HPTs. I saw enough negatives in our years of infertility, thank you.

But hey, was that a twinge in my left breast? Maybe it’s a little tender? Or, maybe not. Maybe it’s tender because I keep groping it, trying to see if it’s tender.

Argh. I really hate waiting.


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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kerry July 27, 2006 at 12:53 pm

I can’t believe you’re not here in the office groping yourself so we could mock you. C’mon. You know you miss it :o ) If you feel you’re not feeling the love at home, you just come on back now, y’hear?

2 Kerry July 27, 2006 at 12:53 pm

I can’t believe you’re not here in the office groping yourself so we could mock you. C’mon. You know you miss it :o ) If you feel you’re not feeling the love at home, you just come on back now, y’hear?

3 Miche July 27, 2006 at 1:44 pm

Oohhhh… I empathize with the dangers of too much head time! M’be you could come down here and help me with my “musical plants” exercise … that should keep you outta your head for a while!

4 Miche July 27, 2006 at 1:44 pm

Oohhhh… I empathize with the dangers of too much head time! M’be you could come down here and help me with my “musical plants” exercise … that should keep you outta your head for a while!

5 DaniGirl July 27, 2006 at 1:48 pm

Kerry? Kerry? Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. And what is this ‘office’ thing of which you speak?
Miche, you should get some sort of award for nicest commenter ever, ya know? You can’t possibly be this sweet in real life, could you?

6 DaniGirl July 27, 2006 at 1:48 pm

Kerry? Kerry? Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. And what is this ‘office’ thing of which you speak?
Miche, you should get some sort of award for nicest commenter ever, ya know? You can’t possibly be this sweet in real life, could you?

7 Marla July 27, 2006 at 2:34 pm

I repeat yesterday’s comment. I wish I could come up there and stick my finger in your dimple and say, “Let’s go shopping for striped turtlenecks to take your mind off it all.” and then I’d whip out some Pocky and Nutella and start the tickle fight.

8 Marla July 27, 2006 at 2:34 pm

I repeat yesterday’s comment. I wish I could come up there and stick my finger in your dimple and say, “Let’s go shopping for striped turtlenecks to take your mind off it all.” and then I’d whip out some Pocky and Nutella and start the tickle fight.

9 JoJo July 27, 2006 at 2:54 pm

Nutella? Nutella? Oh please, Marla can I come? I will bring my own spoon. Or at least wash my hands first.
Ah, the two week wait. I much like you, can create in minute detail several scenarios in my head as to why I wouldn’t be pregnant. I didn’t feel a single symptom until the stick turned blue. As soon as it turned blue my breasts swelled to three times their normal size, my stomach tied itself into a knot and my aversion to chicken was at the forefront of my mind. All before I had a chance to wipe and pull up my drawers. The mind can play terrible tricks on you. A Leo’s mind is especially bad because not only do you have to create all this clutter in your brain, you have to make yourself feel better about it and then secretly marvel at how creative and obviously intelligent to have created all this in the first place.
Well if you are looking for a moment to obsess over something go to http://www.bigbrotherupdates.com and read all about what the hamsters are doing. I have big alternate endings created for all of them tucked safely in my cluttered brain. They are right behind the fantasy where I find out I have won the 649 and I march into my boss’s office and sing “Take this job and shove it”. Complete with interpretive dance.
There, that was at least two minutes gone! How many more to go?

10 JoJo July 27, 2006 at 2:54 pm

Nutella? Nutella? Oh please, Marla can I come? I will bring my own spoon. Or at least wash my hands first.
Ah, the two week wait. I much like you, can create in minute detail several scenarios in my head as to why I wouldn’t be pregnant. I didn’t feel a single symptom until the stick turned blue. As soon as it turned blue my breasts swelled to three times their normal size, my stomach tied itself into a knot and my aversion to chicken was at the forefront of my mind. All before I had a chance to wipe and pull up my drawers. The mind can play terrible tricks on you. A Leo’s mind is especially bad because not only do you have to create all this clutter in your brain, you have to make yourself feel better about it and then secretly marvel at how creative and obviously intelligent to have created all this in the first place.
Well if you are looking for a moment to obsess over something go to http://www.bigbrotherupdates.com and read all about what the hamsters are doing. I have big alternate endings created for all of them tucked safely in my cluttered brain. They are right behind the fantasy where I find out I have won the 649 and I march into my boss’s office and sing “Take this job and shove it”. Complete with interpretive dance.
There, that was at least two minutes gone! How many more to go?

11 Lumpyheadsmom July 27, 2006 at 3:06 pm

Sending best wishes your way. [fingers crossed]

12 Lumpyheadsmom July 27, 2006 at 3:06 pm

Sending best wishes your way. [fingers crossed]

13 Kerry July 27, 2006 at 3:35 pm

There’s an office here waiting for you. It’s currently being used to dry out my umbrella, so you’d have to use someone else’s for a while, but you can still come in. I guess I could move the umbrella, too :o )
For those of you who don’t know, I’m Dani’s boss. And yes I know she blogs from work. And that she’s trying to get pregnant. And we’re all sitting here at work waiting with baited breath for pink lines or blue lines or whatever you see when you’re pregnant (I’m single and have no kids and wouldn’t know any better!).
Hang in there, Dani. You’ll know soon enough. There will be lunch for your birthday when you get back, no matter what!

14 Kerry July 27, 2006 at 3:35 pm

There’s an office here waiting for you. It’s currently being used to dry out my umbrella, so you’d have to use someone else’s for a while, but you can still come in. I guess I could move the umbrella, too :o )
For those of you who don’t know, I’m Dani’s boss. And yes I know she blogs from work. And that she’s trying to get pregnant. And we’re all sitting here at work waiting with baited breath for pink lines or blue lines or whatever you see when you’re pregnant (I’m single and have no kids and wouldn’t know any better!).
Hang in there, Dani. You’ll know soon enough. There will be lunch for your birthday when you get back, no matter what!

15 Snack Mommy July 27, 2006 at 3:56 pm

Just remember to tap that test on Simon’s sleeping head before you do it…it seems to bring good luck :~)

16 Snack Mommy July 27, 2006 at 3:56 pm

Just remember to tap that test on Simon’s sleeping head before you do it…it seems to bring good luck :~)

17 JoJo July 27, 2006 at 4:38 pm

Ok. Kerry, can you be my boss? You are like the cool mom. Lucky Dani.

18 JoJo July 27, 2006 at 4:38 pm

Ok. Kerry, can you be my boss? You are like the cool mom. Lucky Dani.

19 JoJo July 27, 2006 at 4:40 pm

Ok, I typed too fast and it didn’t come out right. Not that you are that old or anything. Just the authority figure thing.

20 JoJo July 27, 2006 at 4:40 pm

Ok, I typed too fast and it didn’t come out right. Not that you are that old or anything. Just the authority figure thing.

21 Sharon July 27, 2006 at 7:29 pm

Waiting is always the hard part. Go shopping, take a drive, Go to timmy’s take the kids to the beach. DO Something, HEY read a book and spend a few hours at Chapters. AVOID The Baby section. Give us a review of the new books.

22 Sharon July 27, 2006 at 7:29 pm

Waiting is always the hard part. Go shopping, take a drive, Go to timmy’s take the kids to the beach. DO Something, HEY read a book and spend a few hours at Chapters. AVOID The Baby section. Give us a review of the new books.

23 BeachMama July 27, 2006 at 7:33 pm

The wait is a killer, don’t I know.
Just to let you know that the hpt I used was not faulty, it was actually so sensitive it got me a + before the blood test!
And no it wasn’t the cheapies from the Extra-Ordinary Baby Shoppe. I had stopped by but, they weren’t open yet, so I splurged on the expensive ones. I almost went last weekend and picked up some cheapies so I could keep testing, but I resisted.
Hang in there!

24 BeachMama July 27, 2006 at 7:33 pm

The wait is a killer, don’t I know.
Just to let you know that the hpt I used was not faulty, it was actually so sensitive it got me a + before the blood test!
And no it wasn’t the cheapies from the Extra-Ordinary Baby Shoppe. I had stopped by but, they weren’t open yet, so I splurged on the expensive ones. I almost went last weekend and picked up some cheapies so I could keep testing, but I resisted.
Hang in there!

25 twinmomplusone July 27, 2006 at 7:36 pm

major empathy here Dani :)
maybe having vacation time at the same time as the most dreadful 2ww is giving you way too much headtime
will have to do something about that net week ;)
now Marla, Nutella…I’d crawl on my hands and knees for some of that, I can’t resist it but now with a nut allergic child in our household my most favorite comfort food had to be baned :( (

26 twinmomplusone July 27, 2006 at 7:36 pm

major empathy here Dani :)
maybe having vacation time at the same time as the most dreadful 2ww is giving you way too much headtime
will have to do something about that net week ;)
now Marla, Nutella…I’d crawl on my hands and knees for some of that, I can’t resist it but now with a nut allergic child in our household my most favorite comfort food had to be baned :( (

27 Chantal July 27, 2006 at 9:37 pm

Oh that wait. It’s agonizing and insane and obsessive. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for YOU!

28 Chantal July 27, 2006 at 9:37 pm

Oh that wait. It’s agonizing and insane and obsessive. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for YOU!

29 Amber July 28, 2006 at 12:59 am

I so hated that time (am I or aren’t I?) Soon, you will know for sure so hang on in there!
P.S. Great blog; always fabulous to find a good read in the Motherland…

30 Amber July 28, 2006 at 12:59 am

I so hated that time (am I or aren’t I?) Soon, you will know for sure so hang on in there!
P.S. Great blog; always fabulous to find a good read in the Motherland…

31 Jen July 28, 2006 at 2:20 am

Baby dust. Baby Dust. Baby Dust.
The 2WW is one of the hardest things out there. I’m thinking about you…

32 Jen July 28, 2006 at 2:20 am

Baby dust. Baby Dust. Baby Dust.
The 2WW is one of the hardest things out there. I’m thinking about you…

33 kris July 28, 2006 at 4:12 am

2ww is hellish. You describe the undulating thoughts and general dementia so well that I’m having flashbacks. Yikes!

34 kris July 28, 2006 at 4:12 am

2ww is hellish. You describe the undulating thoughts and general dementia so well that I’m having flashbacks. Yikes!

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