I have, as you know, two preschoolers. Two kids under the age of five. I am constantly exhausted by their demands, their neediness, their loving clinginess. Although there are still not enough hours in the day, and only barely enough hours of sleep at night, things are finally getting easier. One is potty trained, and I can only assume the other one will be someday. They go to bed with only minimal intervention, they feed themselves, they can entertain themselves for stretches sometimes exceeding four whole minutes, and they can even load their own DVDs into the DVD player.
Life is good, right? And yet, I am jonesing for a baby. I have baby fever now almost as bad as I did when we were working through our infertility.
I see babies everywhere and find myself staring inappropriately, often turning my head appreciatively to watch them pass in a manner alarmingly similar to the way I used to watch guys walk past in another lifetime. I linger in the baby supplies aisle at the drug store, eyeballing little jars of food and teething rings with nostalgia. I come across old onesies tucked away in the corner of a closet and marvel over their size, their softness. And socks, which I never seem to pack away and instead just pile the next largest size into the drawer as well – impossibly tiny baby socks that were already too small for Tristan at birth.
I must be nuts. Certainly, my husband thinks so. He thinks I’m certifiable, and gives me a big hairy eyeball roll every time I mention in passing how wonderful little babies are, how cuddly and cute and adorable and harmless. Which I seem to be saying with alarming frequency these days.
Now I’m sure some of this has to do with the whole frostie thing coming up. (For those of you keeping score, after pushing me within a day or two of buying a stick to pee on, the visitor in red finally showed up a week late. A week late!) But I think it’s more than that. Maybe because this is the longest I’ve gone without being pregnant, because Simon arrived a scant 23 months after Tristan did. I became a new person the first time I brought a new baby home, and that person has always had a baby around. It seems like something is missing now.
I know I can’t keep having them. Like cute puppies, babies have the rather troubling habit of growing up in disproportion to growing out of their neediness. And really, I had only ever expected to have two children in my life. But there is something delicious about babies, about the baby phase, that I miss. The drool, the brilliant toothless grins, the way they twitch their arms and legs to warn you that you have about two minutes before an all-out wail is on its way – and the blissful way they relax when you meet whatever need has overwhelmed them, the way they give themselves over so completely to the joy of the bottle, or the breast, or the cuddle they wanted.
It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, turning my babies into preschoolers. But it’s been the best thing, too. Babies.
It’s not so crazy, is it?
Your husband and mine could commiserate to no end together…about us, you & i, wanting the SAME thing.
I clearly attacked a woman in Canadian Tire the other evening, when her 6 month old son, in denim Gap ball cap, wearing (of course) only one sock/shoe, looked up at me from his stroller with his ginormous deep brown eyes, drooling, squealing, then he gave me one of those messy, saliva covered toothless grins you just referred to. I do believe the mother was more than a little taken aback at my reaction, but yes, I want another baby too.
Not crazy at all. I love, love, love wee babies. I’m with you 100%. The thought of not having anymore makes my heart ache.
Yup, the other day I asked Amelia if she was all done her breakfast and usually she just says “yeah” which is really the only word she can say with any consistency. She looked me square in the eye, raised her little arms high in the air and said “Yeah, Mommy. Allllllll done!” I know it’s silly because she hasn’t been a baby for some time now but that’s when it hit me that she was not a baby.
I have my charts already to go for next cycle. I tell Jaimie it’s just to be prepared. Of course last time I said that the stick turned blue.
As someone who still fantasizes about a fourth, no, I don’t think it’s crazy. I think part of it is that “now or never” urgency. That, and the baby chub. So delicious!
oh, that yearning never really goes away.
just the other day the twins were asking when I’d have a baby in my tummy and my heart sank, they’ll never experience having a baby in the house with them 🙁 and I know how much they would love that
now realistically speaking, I already have 3 kids, I’m past the accepted cusp of childbearing age and hubby had a special snip done…SO…whenever I can, I snap up a baby in my arms and for a few moments savour their softness
Wow, this post really hit home with me. Sometimes in the midst of the daily grind, I need to remember to enjoy every little juicy grin, instead of just running for the nearest spit cloth. You would think I would remember how fast this time goes, but a little post like this goes a long way towards doing this.
That being said, I read you post about camping (rain and all) with envy. We were really looking forward to taking Tristan camping this year, but now it will need to be a father-son trip. I know lots of mom’s take infants camping, but I’m not one of them. Your boys are going to have such a fantastic time.
me too unfortunately. I cannot imagine life with four kids. And I cannot imagine having another child when I am pushing 40 but I may steal yours for a little while. 🙂
You need to do one of these babies, Dani:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/smtradecard/
Now, go do it.
Thank you!
My guys are 5 and 2 1/2, and I’m fascinated by how in the past year I’ve gone from being totally indifferent to other people’s babies, to fascinated by them again. But I don’t take the baby lust as a serious sign that I want another.
This post really hit home for me too, but in an opposite way than your other commenters. Baby fever used to just be an innate part of my personality. It probably started when I was 10 and didn’t go away until I had my son 2 1/4 years ago. I keep waiting for it to come back, but it just doesn’t. So am I the one who isn’t normal? We really want to be a family of four, so we are going to start trying to have another soon. It just feels strange to not have that overwhelming, visceral lust for BABIES as a driving force behind the decision. I’m just enjoying my little guy so much more as a toddler than as a baby. He was a very intense high-need baby though, so maybe it was a little bit too much reality for my baby fever to survive.
Hi Dani,
Just dropping by to invite you to add your supermom card to the mom’s day salute;
http://hlb.blogspot.com and help spread the word
not so crazy, I’d have more babies if I had some full-time help with todlers..well and if my husband would let me and if I still had a uterus….big if’s there uh?
No, not crazy at all.
I have a 23 month old (planned and waited for) and a 4 week old (surprise!) and it is *hard* right now.
But not because of the baby. He’s just as you describe: warm and cuddly and so easy to please. I’d be sad if he were my last…but at the same time, I can’t picture another one for several (several!) years. Luckily I’m only 31, so we have the luxury of a little time so my headspace can get back to something resembling sanity.
I know the feeling. How do you think I ended up with four kids?
I’m 45 now, and still get that feeling …
Sigh.