Morality police

Disclaimer: I’m feeling a tad rant-ish this morning. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’ve been wondering about this lately. What responsibility do we have as average citizens to police other citizens’ minor transgressions? When are we allowed to be the morality police?

There’s a guy who rides the same bus as me every morning, and every single morning he gets up and leaves the free commuter newspaper he’s been reading on the seat. I know that this particular newspaper encourages “sharing” to widen its circulation, but to me this isn’t sharing so much as littering. Every morning I get off the bus behind him, and want to reach over and grab the newspaper and hand it to him and say something coy like, “Excuse me, sir, I think you dropped this.” But I don’t.

I did, however, pull up beside someone on the highway and holler a piece of my mind at them (cruising at speeds around 120 km/h) when they dumped a bag and tray of McDonald’s trash out the window of their moving car in front of me one day this summer.

And then there’s the opposite end of the spectrum. My father has been stalked (I can’t think of another word for it) and confronted after using the handicapped parking spot at the store. He has a legitmate pass on his windshield, but even when my dad showed this guy the pass, he just harrumphed and walked away. And that’s nothing compared to the outright cruelty Y-vonne describes in telling the story of her sister-in-law, who has terminal cancer in the bones of her legs, returning to her car legitimately parked in a disabled spot to find a note on her windshield stating that if she’d get off her ass and exercise and lose a few pounds and she’d be able to walk.

Shameful, isn’t it?

Just before Christmas, Tristan was battling a virus and I took Simon out of the house to let him lie on the couch in peace. We were half way to the mall when Beloved called me in a panic, saying Tristan was having what turned out to be a febrile seizure and wasn’t breathing properly. I turned the car around, and called 911. When I got off the phone, I drove like a maniac, passing people on curves and making left turns on red lights. One car full of young men who I had passed pulled up behind me at a stoplight and started to come out of their car, yelling angrily at me. I stuck my head out the window and said I was racing home to bring my baby son to the hospital, which shut them up in a hurry. Now, when I see someone driving erratically I think of that night, and just do my best to get out of the way, because you just never know what’s going on inside somebody else’s life.

And back on the other side of the fence, Beloved wanted to call the police last night on the teenager next door and his friends. We came home from a walk around the block with the boys around 7 pm and they were perched at the garage end of the driveway smoking dope. Now personally, I’m pretty laissez-faire on that one, but I do admit that 15-year-olds smoking out in the open where my kids can stumble upon them is a bit of a stretch. Is it really our business? Although not terribly impressed, I was of the opinion that no harm was done, but Beloved was angry.

I can’t find a line in the sand here, where on one side it’s okay to interfere with what someone else is doing and on the other side you should mind your own business. What do you think? Do we generally err on the side of being busy-bodies, or are we mostly live-and-let-live? And should we be more of one than the other?

Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

14 thoughts on “Morality police”

  1. Couldn’t they at least take it inside the garage like the rest of us ;-). I think you have had trouble with these guys int he past: either things are going to go well, or you are going to find your car keyed and then some…

  2. Oh – you’re gonna make me THINK this morning, aren’t you?
    Based on your examples, like you, I sit on both sides of the fence. I paper on the bus? I’d likely snatch it to read myself.
    Erratic driving with bleeding child to get stitches, been there – so of course you are excused.
    The smoking dope in the FRONT yard?? You’d think they’d at least go out back. I may very well have called at least public security in hopes of giving the hoods a little bit of a scare.
    As it goes in our neighbourhood with loud parties until as late as 4 AM, and then the next morning us non-partying neighbours complain to each other about it and our lack of sleep, but I have yet to call the cops. So, I guess I am on the ‘laissez-faire’ side of things. That, or I am just a big-ass wimp.

  3. That’s a tough one, Dani. I have noticed lately though that teenagers are becoming quite ‘open’ in their pot smoking. Yesterday at the park, two teens were playing basketball while we were there. It was 4 in the afternoon and they stopped their game to smoke a joint! I couldn’t believe it!! Did I say anything? Nope. Our neighbour’s son walks down the street smoking pot like it’s a cigarette! My DH rants and raves but does he say anything? Nope. I did call By- law when our other neighbour’s dogs barked incessantly for 3 days straight! Maybe I have my priorities mixed up? LOL! She never knew it was me though!!

  4. Hmmm. A tough one, and something I’ve thought about a lot lately – parenthood will do that to you. You see, I remember back in my day that nobody was afraid to parent someone else’s kid. If my neighbour caught me carving my initials in the paint on the slide at the park (Once! And I’m sorry! And I was seven and not the first one to do it either!)) I’d get as much “what for” from her as I’d get from my mom later.
    It makes me feel that as adults, we are now unnecessarily conflicted. What used to be right and wrong was more of a standard moral code, and transgressions were easier to spot and address. It wasn’t an attack on another’s parenting style to call for good behaviour – it was upholding a common standard. But now we are aware that the least comment leaves us open to personal attack in return, from children as well as other adults, and so we don’t even try.
    But I still err on the side of being a busy body – or something that begins with b and rhymes with witch. When a parent at Riverdale Farm either lets his kids feed the animals or feeds them himself despite the clearly posted signs, I ask him to stop and point out that he may have missed them, but if he continues to do so it sets a bad example for my child and negates the importance of rules. And yes, I love to use the word negates. Then they don’t think I’m trashy and crabby – they know I’ve put some thought into my snark.
    With the neighbourhood kids, I think they’d understand if you explained that you’re not asking them to stop, but just not to do it where your little kids might be affected. While I’ve read that certain misbehaviours are cries for discipline and boundaries – and I begin to doubt that more and more – I think that most teens are sensitive enough to the innocence of smaller children. I’d say something to them in a friendly enough way, but with the type of authority that means it’s not a question but also isn’t setting up a power struggle. How’s that for splitting hairs? And if you get dog poo in your mail box, blame it on me.
    And the newspaper on the bus? I would (and I have) pick it up myself and put it in the recycling bin. Perhaps someone left it before him – who knows? I used to tell my assistant at work – don’t come to me with a problem unless it comes with a side of solution. And I reward results, not effort! So here I say, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem!
    (Wait – I just checked my pants and I’ve got platitudes and smart alec comebacks coming out of my wazoo today! I’d better go see to that! Sorry!)

  5. Fear has kept me quiet at times, especially when I am with the kids. What happens if the next guy you call on littering is the one that finally snaps on you.
    Littering out the window, yes. Leaving a paper on the bus, I am with Nancy on that one.
    I have contacted the police when I see erratic driving that I think may be alcohol induced. I have also driven a tad wild on occasion myself.
    Pot… With the current trend in politics regarding decriminalization, Canada is getting more lax about pot. BC has public coffee houses that are open and mostly left alone. The high tech industry employee pool is often quite open and relaxed (outside of work) regarding it.
    Technically they were on private property. And I do not believe smoking pot is illegal, just selling it. Would beloved had re-acted the same if the had been smoking cigarettes (illegal under 18), or drinking a beer (also illegal).
    I do agree that they should have been in the garage, or a more secluded location. I think it was more a case of discretion than anything else.

  6. If I’m angry enough and the situation is relatively safe, I’ll speak up. I probably wouldn’t have done anything about the pot-smoking teenagers — my kid has already internalized how we feel about smoking, and he doesn’t know the difference between pot and cigarettes. But when a group of teenagers started mooning each other at the elementary school playground, I yelled at them but good.
    I usually just glare at litterbugs, though.

  7. If it hadda been me, I’d leave the dopesmokers be — it’s not like they were doing anything to anyone other than themselves.
    Now if they had’ve said to the kids, hey kiddies wanna try this? Then I wouldn’t have been to happy…

  8. being of the non-confrontational variety a.k.a. wimpy, I usually don’t say anything, my dh on the other hand is not shy in calling in the cops for whatever not that it ever does much.
    BUT if my kids are involved, watch out, the “starts-with-a-b-rhymes-with-witch” in me can be quite explosive.
    take care

  9. If it is directly endangering me or my children, I speak up. If it is blatantly illegal and around us, I call the police. I definitely don’t directly confront someone who might hurt me or my children, though. There are alot of things I have to let go that I would want to fix, though. I can’t stand rude and mean people. I just don’t tolerate it well. But we can never know the whole story.

  10. We are similar to you in a sense that we don’t say much, but in our case we moved rather than give our neighbours crap, so what does that tell you? We are definate wimps. As for the pot thing, well we have witnessed our neighbour’s kid rolling a joint in the garage. DH thinks that he wants to get caught, that is why he tempts fate. I think he is just dumb. Last Saturday, when our neighbours were out, the same son had a mini-party. His girlfriend was puking on the front step for a while. He also (15yrs) was sitting in his Dad’s truck starting it up. We talked about it and decided to chat with the son and say “hey, you put us in a bad spot, and what you were doing wasn’t cool.” But, it ends up that some damage was done to the truck so we told the parents. The son confessed to taking the truck down the street for a ride!! We hadn’t seen that. So, now we don’t feel bad for saying anything at all.
    SOrry for the novel,
    Anna 🙂

  11. Ah…questions of morality. Excellent choice for a topic. Dani, after all these years I would hazard a guess that you already know I have certain moral flexibilities.
    On the subject of pot smoking, I’d let them be. Like some of the others said, unless they directly trying to influence children they’re not doing any harm…in my (disturbed little) mind.
    On the subject of newspapers left on the bus, I’m with Marla…I’d be more inclined to pick it up and read it myself.
    As for eratic driving, you just never know what’s going on. I’ve been through exercises on perspective and you can’t always assume someone is an idiot based on first appearances. You need to chat with them to get some background first. Then you can throw rocks at them.
    I am a little disappointed that you missed one of the most important moral issues of the day though…what do you do when you see a fashion faux pas? Do you let someone know that they shouldn’t wear socks with sandals? What about people who tuck their underwear into their shorts so you can see their gitch when their pants sag. Yikes!! I think these are the more important questions in life. Everything else will generally look after itself…hopefully…through natural selection.
    Last point…I think people need to let things go or do something about them. You’ll stress yourself out if you keep harping about the local kids or the guy on the bus or that one driver you see on the road every day. One day you will realize that stressing over something is a complete waste of energy and can lead to ulcers. Painful!! Until that day of course you’re f**ked. My advice – either report the issues to someone who can do something about it or ignore the issues.
    Live love laugh.

  12. UG agreed with moi??? I am touched!
    Question for Bruce – what if the sock clad sandal wearers just have really ugly toes? Same reason I don’t wear crop tops or bikinis. Really, you’d thank me.

  13. Batman wins the snicker of the day contest for the best use of the word “gitch” in a sentence.
    Saw the newspaper litter guy again this morning. Smiled brightly at him and laughed a little bit thinking of your comments, so now the issue is more likely that this guy thinks I’m either a bit of a loon or have a crush on him or both.
    Really, fashion faux pas really do deserve a blog day all to themselves. I’ll try to work it into the itinerary.
    You guys rock!
    xo Dani, wishes she was as clever as half the people who comment here (but am at least grateful to be smarter than the other half!)

  14. difficult one dani, but thanks for bringing it up…
    in most cases i’d say… do something about it if you feel justified in doing so and otherwise keep your trap shut…
    the greatest problem lies in analysing the reasons behind the perceived justification, as in which criteria are to be used under which circumstances in which context… i know, it sounds dreadfully woolly but it’s all i can come up with at the moment, i’m confused enough about everyday ethics enough as it is… sigh…
    —–

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