We spent the long weekend with my brother’s family. He and his wife have added to my mother’s collection of grandsons with an absolutely adorable 8 month old named Noah.
On Saturday afternoon while Simon was napping, Tristan and I made our way over to my mother’s house for a visit, and I finally had a chance to play with Noah for a while. (Before that, if Simon caught sight of me with Noah in my arms, he’d break into instant and heart-rendering sobs. Cast another vote in the ‘con’ column of the great third-baby debate.)
My mom was holding Noah when we got there, and as she handed him to me she said, “Go see your Auntie Danielle.” It rang in my ears for a minute, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
For one thing, although I’m “Auntie Dani” to a posse of kids, nobody has ever called me “Auntie Danielle” before. People have been calling me Dani since I was in grade school, and it’s the only name most of my friends and family use. The only hold outs are my mother, and up until recently, people I work with.
These days even my work friends are starting to call me Dani and while I enjoy the affection with which it is used, there’s a part of me that’s beginning to miss my formal name. I’m grateful that my mother still calls me Danielle. Sometimes I wonder if there will be a time in my life when Dani becomes too young a name for a woman of a certain age and I’ll have to pack it away with my mini-skirts and neon t-shirts. Not today, at least.
But as if that weren’t introspection enough from two simple words, “Auntie Danielle”, there’s more.
I come from a very small family. I have one brother. My father was an only child, and my mother had one sister. My one aunt and uncle had a son, so I have one cousin, but they lived on the west coast for a lot of my childhood. So I wonder if it’s being from a small family that makes me weird about who my kids call aunt and uncle. To me, it’s a title imbued with significance, and only actual blood relatives are called Aunt and Uncle.
Friends of mine had their son quite a few years before Beloved and I were ready to procreate, and although they were more like family than friends, I was still surprised when they handed the baby to me and introduced me as “Auntie Dani”. I was genuinely touched – but also uncomfortable. I was proud that they loved me enough to include me as part of their family, but knew in my heart that I would feel uncomfortable extending the same courtesy on a future day when I had kids.
With the grace of a herd of startled cattle, I tried to explain my feelings to them at the time, and succeeded only in sullying a lovely gesture of friendship. We haven’t really spoken about it since, and to their credit, their kids still call Beloved and I aunt and uncle to this day. But my kids don’t reciprocate. I pretty much try to avoid using names at all when talking about them to my kids, referring instead to “so and so’s daddy” or “so and so’s mommy”. When I can’t get around it, I use their first names – and each time, I flinch a little bit at the absence of the “aunt” or “uncle”.
Recently, another close set of friends brought a beautiful baby girl into our lives, and they have honoured Beloved and I by bestowing us with the title of Aunt and Uncle as well, and once again, I just can’t bring myself to return the courtesy.
Now that I think of it, I was never able to call any of my in-laws “mom” or “dad” either, nor would I expect Beloved to call my parents that, even though we’re as close as family can be.
Insignificant though it may seem (when will I be able to think a thought without an echo in my head that asks, “Given everything that’s going on in the world right now, you’re worried about that?), it’s been weighing heavily on me lately. I am honoured and touched that our friends think enough of Beloved and I to include us as family, and I’m not quite sure how to demonstrate that we feel the same way – but we just don’t want to commit to it with labels.
What’s it like in your family? Do your kids call your friends Mr and Mrs Friend, or Auntie and Uncle Friend, or something else?
i called my parents’ close friends “auntie” and “uncle” when i was young. it became a part of their names, so much so that as an adult i’ve had trouble droping the “auntie” from one of their names.
but blood aunts were never “auntie”. It was always “aunt”. maybe because there was that (subtle) difference it never bothered me when my friends started having babies and i was “auntie” susan.
but i have friends who are like you and refer to only blood relatives in that terminology, so to a good number of my friends’ kids i’m simply susan (or in the case of my friend’s 4-year-old who’s aunt is partnered with a susan, “the fake susan”).
all this to say, it’s your decision what you are comfortable with, and I wouldn’t feel badly. if your friends ask, explain it to them, just as you have in this post, i’m sure they’ll understand.
as for my boy and me, when we have kids, i’m not sure what we’ll do. Mike and I only have one brother apiece so my children will have much fewer blood aunts and uncles than i did. i guess we’ll figure it out once we have them 😉
There may be some who view not having the attachment of Aunt or Uncle as a blessing. There is a certain freedom from responsibility that comes from not having that label. In some distant future I could see requests being made by your boys to purchase certain adult oriented beverages. Being unfettered by the term Aunt or Uncle would probably allow such transactions to occur guilt free. Besides which anyone that has schlepped through 20 some odd years of friendship (including practice marriages, first children and fertility issues), will have come to realize and embrace any “peculiar” personality traits.
***smooches*** to ÜberGeek.
(and politely looking the other way on the “peculiar” personality traits comment.)
And I’m laughing at Suze for making me grateful that at least I’m not anybody’s “fake” aunt.
xo (Auntie) Dani(elle)
actually, within our (extended) families we usually refer to each other by first names for whatever reason, and also amongst friends, adult or otherwise… i think i’d feel like a million years old if somebody called me “uncle” anything, let alone “auntie” (because i have long hair nowadays) 😉
keep well 😀
I’m on the same page as you Dani as I save the titles of aunt and uncle for their true recipients. I have one friend who has their child call us aunt and uncle and I cringe every time I hear it. We don’t see them enough to make a big deal out of it, but it makes me very uncomfortable.
The other thing I’m surprised with is how many adults insist my 3 yr old call them by their first name. I grew up in a world of Mr. and Mrs. and still have a hard time if one of my mom’s friends insists I call them by their first name now.
That being said, I feel so old if they call me Mrs. Snack Mommy so I guess I can’t win!
The name thing–it’s like if you don’t get on the name bandwagon at the beginning it is hard. I recall a funny family story where my father met his father-in-law (my late grandfather) for the first time. He never established a name. It became a running family joke that my father called my grandfather “uh…uh” because he would sooner walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder than call his name across the room.
I only have one nephew and a bun on the way, so I’m Aunt to one and only 1 person, whom I never see. However, we have deemed friends of the family Aunt and Uncle before, and I remember calling my parents’ friends Aunt and Uncle.
In my world, friends are the family I adopt.
For us, we have so many family that they all get the “Aunt and Uncle”. But, I do have one good friend that we call Auntie and Uncle for our kids. They are the only ones and I am not sure why it happened, but it did. And the kids are never too confused, but they know it is a loving term used for our special friendship.
Anna – who used Mr & Mrs with friends parents, but who’s parents refused to be anything but on a first name basis 🙂
It’s kinda funny in my family. Aunts and Uncles are just called by there first names although both my kids do call them Unles Myles or Auntie Sheila from time to time. The only friends that GET Aunt and Unlce is Miranda God parents Rick and Wendy. And Now that Miranda is 15 that has fallen away. Nathan calles them Aunt and Uncle but that’s about it.
Funny thought I am Anutie Sharon to all my neices and nephews although I would Not be hurt if they dropped that. I still call my aunts and uncles by that title although I find it silly but it’s hard to stop.
Friends are always called by the first name if we are close. BUT not strangers they go by whatever that person is comfortable with it’s their decision.
Sharon
OH yeah Now that I have tons of teenagers around..>I get them to call me Sharon..>I WILL NOT Be MRS so and so or a Mame (sp?) To freakin old for such a young chickie as moi! It’s hard for some but if they want to be fed….
I have a couple of nephews and I tried teaching them to drop the uncle but it hasn’t really stuck yet. They still seem to insist on calling me Uncle Patrick. I’d rather be just Patrick – plain and simple. This is also reminiscent of my last group at work who started calling me Mr. ____ and answering my phone as Mr. ___’s office. I convinced them to stop it; call me Patrick and answer my phone with their own name. I guess I’m not one for titles.
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Regarding your use of Dani vs. Danielle, I went through a similar stage in my life. Up until I was 18 or so, I was just Pat. Everyone knew me by that moniker except my family who used the more formal Patrick. I then started calling myself Patrick with friends and I was somewhat irked that my family chose that time to also start calling me Pat. Some days I just can’t win.
I am confused, Batman’s name is Patrick? I thought it was Bruce.
I guess I’m in the “friends as aunt and uncle” camp. My husband and I have several nonrelative aunts and uncles, and our kids call our best friends aunt and uncle as well.
Doing this does bring up the issue of friendship status, though. Who ranks high enough to receive the honorific? If you aren’t called “aunt”, is that a slight? I’ve grappled with this because a good friend’s daughter calls me by my first name and uses “aunt” for some of her mom’s other friends. My feelings were a little hurt over that.
And I’m with you, Dani, about sometimes feeling uncomfortable over being called by my firts name. “Mrs.” doesn’t work for me, either, though — I don’t feel old enough to be a “Mrs.”
For me, Aunt/Auntie/Uncle is for family or cousins and I respect whatever my friends want their children to call me, Miss Nancy, Mrs. X or Nancy – no matter to me.
I also have a hard time calling Mrs. A ‘Mary’ even though she tells me to, she has been Mrs. A since I was 4.
That being said, I will never get to be a true aunt since I have one brother who will not likely be procreating. I have nieces and nephews by marriage (DH’s brothers kids) and it melts my heart when they call me Aunt Nancy. Oh, and to my cuzzin’s kids I am Aunite. Just Auntie. (no following name) She is an only child and like me will have no direct niece/nephew so she is also just plain Auntie to my kids.
I have always called my Godparents ‘Aunt & Uncle’ and still do. In the most special relationship I have with them, it is an endearing term and I think we all still like it that way.
I could go on….
Sorry you asked?
Miss Nancy, Patrick is my middle name and the one I go by these days…Bruce (Saint) Patrick Wayne. Oh crap, that was supposed to be a secret! Ah, whatever. secret identities are more trouble than they’re worth these days. At least the kids aren’t calling me Uncle Batman or hey freakface.
Nancy and Batrick, I truly think that is the loudest I’ve laughed in my pre-workday silent office yet.
And of course, I always enjoy reading everybody’s comments. Scratch that – I spend my day anticipating (refresh – refresh – refresh) and then savouring your comments. Really, I must get a life one of these days.
xo Dani