Category: Mothering without a licence

It’s been a while since I talked about my daycare situation. The good news is we found someone we really like, close to home, with reasonable rates and summertime flexibility. I’m so so so happy with her, and can’t wait to move the boys over there. They will start on May 14, and she is willing to take them two days a week through the summer, just as I had originally hoped, and then move to full time care when Beloved’s summer ends in mid-August. All that searching, the anxiety and the frustration, seem to have been worthwhile. She is *exactly* the caregiver I was looking for, and I’ve only not mentioned it before now because the last two times I thought I had found ‘the one’ it fell through and I didn’t want to jinx this in any way.

That, of course, leads me to the bad news. I have to tell the boys’ current caregiver that I’m taking them out of her care. I’ve been dreading it for a month now, and I figure it’s only right to give her a month of notice before we end the relationship. It is a relationship – that’s what makes this so hard. It’s not like firing the cleaning lady, or going to a new hairdresser – both of which are painful experiences for me. Bobbie has been part of our extended family for almost four years, and I have no idea how to tell her that her services are no longer required.

I know what I want to tell her; it’s the how that’s tripping me up. I want to tell her that we decided to change care providers because of a few factors, very few of which have to do with her personally. I am very fond of her, as are the boys. But there are just so many kids at her place that I feel the boys are in danger of being lost in the shuffle. I want to tell her that my main concern is what they are picking up from the other kids, especially one in particular that has started attending the day care in the last few months. I want to tell her that it’s about the sheer quantity of kids, and that if we could go back to it just being her boys and my boys, like it was in the beginning (Tristan was the first child she took on) then I would happily leave the boys with her.

But I’m a coward. I don’t think I could tell her all this face-to-face without crying, and I especially don’t want to do it with a dozen kids crawling all over both of us, the way it usually is when we pick up or drop off the boys. I could call her on the phone, I suppose. Myself, I’m inclined to write a letter. I’ve always been a letter writer – when it’s really important, I like to have the time to organize my thoughts on paper and get everything out uninterrupted. But, I know it might seem cold to someone who doesn’t share that instinct, to get something as impersonal as a letter for something like this.

What do you think? How would you handle it, or how would you want to be informed if you were the caregiver? I’m terrible at confrontation, terrified of conflict. Am I making too much of this? It is, after all, a business relationship – just an excruciatingly painful one. Feels more like a breakup than a firing.

Is it wrong to just print out the relevant pages from blog and give give them to her? Okay, so maybe that’s not the best plan – but I’ve been worrying this for a month and still don’t have a plan. Have you been there? I’d appreciate your thoughts and insight – as always!

Please bear with me while I use this little soap-box of mine for a full-on rant about daycare.

As you know, I’ve been making a concerted effort for the last seven weeks to find acceptable daycare for my boys.

I have looked into:

* Private in-home care.
* Licensed in-home care.
* Nanny-sharing.
* Licensed daycare centre.
* School-age childcare program.

I have exchanged at least one e-mail or telephone call with sixteen potential care providers. I have interviewed four caregivers. I have applied to a centralized waiting list for licensed care in the city of Ottawa. I have applied to the waiting list for the daycare centre in my neighbourhood. I have spoken to or exchanged e-mails with three licensed agencies for home-care providers. I have added my boys’ names to the waiting list for the school-age after-school care program affiliated with their school for which Simon will not be eligible until the year 2010 when he is in Grade 1. I have spoken to two local elementary schools, hoping they might have some leads.

I still have nothing arranged. I have a few ‘maybes’, one of which is out of my price range, one of which make me feel like I am settling for ‘good enough’ when good enough isn’t nearly good enough for the treasure that is my boys, and one that has so many rules and conditions that I’m nervous to commit to them.

You know how long the waiting list is for the daycare centre in my neighbourhood? Three years. It’s much longer for me, someone who pays ‘full fees’, as opposed to someone who gets a subsidized spot, because they have roughly two subsidized spots for every full-fee spot. So the people willing and able to pay more wait longer. Not that I begrudge anyone their subsidized spot. I’d be happy enough to pay the fees, at $77 a day for both boys, but still can’t get a spot and won’t be able to for the foreseeable future.

One year after taking power, Canada’s New Government ™ has done nothing beyond placating parents with a monthly $100 placebo that pretends to be a meaningful commitment to improving access to child care. A monthly placebo that, as I previously mentioned, does not even cover the INCREASE in daycare fees that I can expect on a WEEKLY basis. And yes, those capital letters do mean I’m shouting, because I’ve worked myself up to a pretty good lather by this point.

*breathe*
*breathe*
*breathe*

When Stephen Harper’s Tories took office a year ago, they dismantled a $5 billion federal-provincial collaboration on child care. According to this article, federal funding for child care will plummet to $250M in the next fiscal year, from $1.2 billion.

That’s more than a 75% reduction, in a single year folks.

On the web site for the universal child care benefit, the $100/month pre-tax bribe payment that was part of Harper’s election campaign, there’s a widget that tells you to “Tell your family and friends about the choice, support and spaces provided by Canada’s Universal Child Care Plan.” So that’s what I’m doing. I’m telling you that in my humble opinion, Canada’s Universal Child Care Plan sucks eggs. The ‘system’ is broken.

Don’t believe me? Check out what the folks at Code Blue for Childcare, a national non-profit organization dedicated to promoting accessible, quality child care have to say. They recently gave the government a failing grade in child care on the first anniversary of the government coming in to power.

(Click through and you can add your name to the ‘report card’ if you agree.)

I have to say, I love this comment from the ‘report card’: “Stephen [Harper] has some trouble understanding basic concepts. His major term project, the Universal Child Care Plan, is not child care. It’s also not universal and not a plan.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Even if I find Mary Poppins tomorrow, and she’s willing to take care of my boys for the sheer bliss of their exquisite companionship, you’ll still be hearing more from me on this issue. It isn’t about one woman’s frustrating search for quality child care anymore.

It’s personal, and yet it’s so much more.

Just got an e-mail from the woman I thought was “the one”, the ideal but expensive child care provider.

She changed her mind. She doesn’t want to reduce her rates from $40/day per boy. I simply can’t afford that kind of increase. Not only is it $120 to $150 more PER WEEK than I’m currently paying, but it’s $60 to $75 more per week than it would cost for a licensed home care or institutional daycare spot. That’s a hell of a lot of money.

I can’t stand that it’s become about the money, but I just don’t think I can swing it. If she had been okay with $70/day, we could have barely made it, but an extra $50/week out of my price range is a lot.

Isn’t it?

Crap, I just don’t know anymore.

We seem to have a few running themes around here these days.

Healthy eating / weight loss? Covered that yesterday.

Dead iPod? Replacement for the DOA replacement iPod should arrive today.

And what was that other one? Oh right. Daycare.

Thanks, a little after the fact, for your feedback on my post last week. I’ve spoken to a LOT of caregivers, and people who use caregivers, this week, and have come to realize a few things. First, rates average $35/day for full-time care around here. Second, almost all caregivers now have contracts that stipulate things like paid statutory holidays and paid vacations. Third, you get what you pay for.

I looked into a lot of options this past week. I applied to three home daycare agencies and registered with the City of Ottawa’s centralized waiting list for licensed child care. I applied to two daycare centres. I posted an ad and spoke to a woman about nanny sharing. I spoke to a woman recently owned a pizza shop and when that went bankrupt decided to open a home daycare. I got an e-mail from a woman who offered daycare in my home or hers, whose name appears in Cyrillic characters on her e-mail address and whose e-mail address domain is .ru (I don’t actually have a problem with that; it was just interesting.) And, I brought the boys to meet two potential caregivers and their families.

I think (she said tentatively) I found a keeper. I connected with her on a personal level right away, but most importantly, I loved how she interacted with the boys. I also agree with her philosophy on child care, which she included in her 12 page parent handbook. (!) Her conditions are quite reasonable, now that I’ve realized what the norms are around here. She asks for two weeks paid vacation, plus five sick days to use at her discretion. Her sickness policy is similar to what I posted last week, but less stringent.

She’s open to the idea of trying to find someone to take the boys’ space for the summer, if it works out, and to take a ‘wait and see’ approach to see if her finances permit us dropping down to a day or two a week instead. The thing that I liked most about her, after her interactions with the boys, is her openness to negotiate while still protecting her own interests.

The boys have also approved of her. Simon didn’t want to leave last night after our visit (although I’m sure the new golden doodle puppy had a lot to do with that!) and when I asked Tristan if he’d like to go to her house for daycare, he responded with an enthusiastic yes.

There were only two small problems, and I think we can work through them.

First, her rates are the highest of any caregiver I’ve talked to. I told her my current rates, and we negotiated a little bit to arrive at $35/day per boy, for a total of $70/day (as compared to the $50/day I’m paying now.) It’s a little steep, and finding an extra $80 to 100 in the budget each week won’t be easy, but I am pretty sure she will be worth it. I guess I’ll just have to keep cleaning my own toilets, instead of hiring that cleaning lady I’ve been considering.

(I can’t help myself, I have to point out that the Harper “beer and popcorn” money will only cover half of the increase to our monthly daycare expenses. And you wonder why I say it’s ridiculously inadequate. And that’s pre-tax. In fact, it will probably net out to be less than a quarter of the increase in fees. “Provides choice, support and spaces” my ass.)

Second problem is that she is only moving to my neighbourhood in May. Not a huge problem, as I’m not in a pinch for day care and we can wait, but if we are making the commitment to change, I’d prefer to just get on with it, especially after the disappointment we went through the last time I thought we had found the perfect caregiver and she changed her mind.

So, the news is trending toward good. I still have to check her references, and do the police check thing, and sign a contract, and wait 12 weeks until she actually starts taking care of the boys. I’m not breathing any sighs of relief just yet. And I still have to go through the hell of talking to our current care provider and telling her that we’re leaving. But it’s looking hopeful. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

So. Daycare.

Last you heard from our intrepid heroine, she had committed to finding new care for her boys. Down but not out, she put up ads, sent out feelers and tried to connect with potential new caregivers.

And promptly skittered back into her shell, yelping like a kicked poodle.

I need a perspective check. I think maybe that despite the way-too-many-kids thing, we might have been spoiled with the flexibility of our current caregiver. Can I please ask what you think of these kinds of ‘rules’ in a daycare contract for a home daycare?

• 3 weeks paid holidays for her, PLUS regular pay when we’re on holidays or any time kids aren’t in care as regularly scheduled.
• paid stat holidays (daycare is closed on those days) PLUS paid lieu day if the stat falls on a weekend.
• if we want to continue our current routine of dropping down to one day a week care in the summer, we still have to pay for 2.5 days, her weekly minimum. Or, we have to quit in June and find a new provider in September.
• If your child has a runny nose, please keep your child home. If your child has vomited within 48 hours, keep your child home. A medical certificate required to re-enter care after pink-eye.
• If your child becomes sick, pick-up is expected within one hour.
• Full time is 5 hours a day or more, and costs $35/day. Part time costs $30/day. After school care for full-time students is $20/day.

I keep waffling. I get that a daycare provider is running a business and has to protect herself, but I also feel like I’m being gouged when I read some of this stuff. The idea of paying for the whole summer just to keep continuity for the boys when they’ll be home with Beloved most of the time (who, incidentally, is not getting paid, therefore we’re paying for care we aren’t using with reduced income) is painful. The idea of paying for her vacation PLUS paying someone else to cover off the time is also painful.

And you wonder why I ranted when Stephen Harper dismantled the Liberals’ plans for daycare reform.

What do you think? Was I just spoiled before? Can you tell me if this is the norm, or will I find more flexibility if I keep looking?

It’s been at least a week since I posted about working mother guilt. Surely we’re due for more angst?

Poor Simon. He and Tristan were horsing around just before bedtime, and Tristan more or less took him out at the knees, completely by accident. Simon cried for a few minutes, but not with that heart-stopping urgent cry of pain that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up and gives you little doubt that you’re about to reaquaint yourself with the local health-care facilities.

He was easily comforted by Beloved, but started crying again when he tried to take his weight on the injured leg. We called a boo-boo bunny into service, then spent 20 minutes or so playing various ‘games’ trying to figure out the extent, and even the location of the injury. Even though he was obviously favouring the sore leg, and even wobbling a bit when he put his weight on it, he could jump on both feet and stand on the sore leg while holding my hand, and he climbed the stairs without complaint.

Trying to figure out the severity of an injury to a stoic three year old is a little bit like trying to read the mind of a crazy person. The terms of reference keep shifting. I touch his knee and ask, “Does it hurt here?” and he says no. I touch his ankle, his shin, and his toes and ask, “Does it hurt here?” and he says no. I touch his knee again and ask, “Does it hurt here?” and he says yes. I touch his ankle and ask, “Does it hurt here?” and he says, with obvious expiration of patience, “Mommy, stop it!”

This morning, he is still favouring it but doesn’t cry when he walks on it. I just called Beloved at home, as he has the boys for two hours between when I leave and when they leave for school and daycare, and he says Simon seems fine now, and he’ll have the daycare provider call me if she notices any trouble. There’s no bruising, no swelling. We even spoke to a nurse at TeleHealth Ontario this morning, and although she recommended we see a doctor, I’m trusting Beloved’s assessment that he’s fine, not complaining, not hurting, and so we’ll wait and see how it is in a couple of hours.

This is the part about working and mothering I hate. After almost two years back in the office, I still feel horrendous guilt at having to choose between an overflowing plate of responsibilities at work and the pull of my possibly-hurting baby. I hate having to choose between competing responsibilities, and I hate having to leave the assessment of Simon’s condition to anybody else – daycare provider or Beloved. Mostly, though, I hate that I’m here at work instead of at home while I’m writing this.

Sigh.