Breaking up is hard to do

It’s been a while since I talked about my daycare situation. The good news is we found someone we really like, close to home, with reasonable rates and summertime flexibility. I’m so so so happy with her, and can’t wait to move the boys over there. They will start on May 14, and she is willing to take them two days a week through the summer, just as I had originally hoped, and then move to full time care when Beloved’s summer ends in mid-August. All that searching, the anxiety and the frustration, seem to have been worthwhile. She is *exactly* the caregiver I was looking for, and I’ve only not mentioned it before now because the last two times I thought I had found ‘the one’ it fell through and I didn’t want to jinx this in any way.

That, of course, leads me to the bad news. I have to tell the boys’ current caregiver that I’m taking them out of her care. I’ve been dreading it for a month now, and I figure it’s only right to give her a month of notice before we end the relationship. It is a relationship – that’s what makes this so hard. It’s not like firing the cleaning lady, or going to a new hairdresser – both of which are painful experiences for me. Bobbie has been part of our extended family for almost four years, and I have no idea how to tell her that her services are no longer required.

I know what I want to tell her; it’s the how that’s tripping me up. I want to tell her that we decided to change care providers because of a few factors, very few of which have to do with her personally. I am very fond of her, as are the boys. But there are just so many kids at her place that I feel the boys are in danger of being lost in the shuffle. I want to tell her that my main concern is what they are picking up from the other kids, especially one in particular that has started attending the day care in the last few months. I want to tell her that it’s about the sheer quantity of kids, and that if we could go back to it just being her boys and my boys, like it was in the beginning (Tristan was the first child she took on) then I would happily leave the boys with her.

But I’m a coward. I don’t think I could tell her all this face-to-face without crying, and I especially don’t want to do it with a dozen kids crawling all over both of us, the way it usually is when we pick up or drop off the boys. I could call her on the phone, I suppose. Myself, I’m inclined to write a letter. I’ve always been a letter writer – when it’s really important, I like to have the time to organize my thoughts on paper and get everything out uninterrupted. But, I know it might seem cold to someone who doesn’t share that instinct, to get something as impersonal as a letter for something like this.

What do you think? How would you handle it, or how would you want to be informed if you were the caregiver? I’m terrible at confrontation, terrified of conflict. Am I making too much of this? It is, after all, a business relationship – just an excruciatingly painful one. Feels more like a breakup than a firing.

Is it wrong to just print out the relevant pages from blog and give give them to her? Okay, so maybe that’s not the best plan – but I’ve been worrying this for a month and still don’t have a plan. Have you been there? I’d appreciate your thoughts and insight – as always!

Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

26 thoughts on “Breaking up is hard to do”

  1. I know people who are very good at writing letters in difficult situations, and it seems to work well for them.
    That said, I think I would hate to be told that way. The very fact that it’s a letter would suggest to me that the subject matter is so volatile that the letter-writer couldn’t face the task of telling me in person. And then there’s the weirdness of the next meeting – do I bring it up? Do I wait for you to bring it up? Argh.
    Personally, I’d go with a telephone call in the evening perhaps. Then, you can talk properly without all the chaos, and you also have some degree of privacy to cry in.

  2. I know people who are very good at writing letters in difficult situations, and it seems to work well for them.
    That said, I think I would hate to be told that way. The very fact that it’s a letter would suggest to me that the subject matter is so volatile that the letter-writer couldn’t face the task of telling me in person. And then there’s the weirdness of the next meeting – do I bring it up? Do I wait for you to bring it up? Argh.
    Personally, I’d go with a telephone call in the evening perhaps. Then, you can talk properly without all the chaos, and you also have some degree of privacy to cry in.

  3. Ask her if you can come over in the evening to talk about some things. Even if you’re going to blubber, I think it’s better to do this in person.
    However, that’s only because you’re keeping your boys there another month. If you gave her a month’s pay in lieu of notice, a phone call or letter would be fine.
    Cause I’m a coward.

  4. Ask her if you can come over in the evening to talk about some things. Even if you’re going to blubber, I think it’s better to do this in person.
    However, that’s only because you’re keeping your boys there another month. If you gave her a month’s pay in lieu of notice, a phone call or letter would be fine.
    Cause I’m a coward.

  5. I think what you wrote above is the perfect way to tell her – in person one evening, and by all means, do blubber, so she knows how agonizing this has been for you. Maybe a neutral place, like meeting for coffee would work better and help you feel calmer – unless that suggestion would put her on the defensive beforehand?
    A month’s notice is great – but I am not remembering if you have any sort of contract with her? You might want to review it to make sure all is in order before you give notice?
    And I’d also find some kind of really thoughtful parting gift, just to sweeten the farewell, because I’m like that. Meaning, I sometimes buy gifts so people think I’m nicer than I am and like them more than I do (present company excepted!). And write a letter or a card telling her what you did like about your time with her to go with it.
    Also, do it just before a weekend, so she has private time to get over it a bit, assuming she’ll be sad too.
    What do I know? I don’t know. Good luck!

  6. I think what you wrote above is the perfect way to tell her – in person one evening, and by all means, do blubber, so she knows how agonizing this has been for you. Maybe a neutral place, like meeting for coffee would work better and help you feel calmer – unless that suggestion would put her on the defensive beforehand?
    A month’s notice is great – but I am not remembering if you have any sort of contract with her? You might want to review it to make sure all is in order before you give notice?
    And I’d also find some kind of really thoughtful parting gift, just to sweeten the farewell, because I’m like that. Meaning, I sometimes buy gifts so people think I’m nicer than I am and like them more than I do (present company excepted!). And write a letter or a card telling her what you did like about your time with her to go with it.
    Also, do it just before a weekend, so she has private time to get over it a bit, assuming she’ll be sad too.
    What do I know? I don’t know. Good luck!

  7. I am an emotional wreck when I have to tell anyone something unpleasant when it involves my kids. At work, I can be a complete hard ass. For my kids, I sob and catch my breath. I have no doubt that your caregiver already knows your personality. She will appreciate that you take things to heart. And if you tell her the reasons why you have made your choices, she will understand. Hopefully, this is not coming out of the blue for her though. Hopefully, you have already mentioned your concerns at some point…

  8. I am an emotional wreck when I have to tell anyone something unpleasant when it involves my kids. At work, I can be a complete hard ass. For my kids, I sob and catch my breath. I have no doubt that your caregiver already knows your personality. She will appreciate that you take things to heart. And if you tell her the reasons why you have made your choices, she will understand. Hopefully, this is not coming out of the blue for her though. Hopefully, you have already mentioned your concerns at some point…

  9. I agree with the face to face evening time – she’ll feel valued and respected (which she is). And just be your honest self with her – she will appreciate the genuine-ness. It might be easier given that you like her and will be able to convey that during your talk.
    As a professional, she should be emotionally ready to deal with losing her kids – she might have done this already with others.
    Good luck – I’m a chicken with these things too – mostly because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

  10. I agree with the face to face evening time – she’ll feel valued and respected (which she is). And just be your honest self with her – she will appreciate the genuine-ness. It might be easier given that you like her and will be able to convey that during your talk.
    As a professional, she should be emotionally ready to deal with losing her kids – she might have done this already with others.
    Good luck – I’m a chicken with these things too – mostly because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

  11. Thanks Dani, for writing about this experience. I was dying to know how your search was going, etc. I think all the ideas presented above are great – especially setting a time to talk, good-bye present. I am a neophyte in this whole daycare situation (daughter is 13 months tomorrow!), and grateful to glean any insight available!
    It’s all hard, but we’re behind you – even us normally dedicated lurkers.

  12. Thanks Dani, for writing about this experience. I was dying to know how your search was going, etc. I think all the ideas presented above are great – especially setting a time to talk, good-bye present. I am a neophyte in this whole daycare situation (daughter is 13 months tomorrow!), and grateful to glean any insight available!
    It’s all hard, but we’re behind you – even us normally dedicated lurkers.

  13. As hard as it will be, I think you do have to do it in person — preferably in the evening without a million kids crawling all over you.
    My sister cared for kids in her home for years, and I can remember how difficult it was for her whenever a child left her care. It helped when parents made a point of keeping in touch, sending photographs, etc.

  14. As hard as it will be, I think you do have to do it in person — preferably in the evening without a million kids crawling all over you.
    My sister cared for kids in her home for years, and I can remember how difficult it was for her whenever a child left her care. It helped when parents made a point of keeping in touch, sending photographs, etc.

  15. I’d go with asking if you could discuss this with her in the evenings, without kids around. A face-to-face discussion would probably be best.
    I know it’s hard, because I’d feel just as you do, but you can do it, Dani!

  16. I’d go with asking if you could discuss this with her in the evenings, without kids around. A face-to-face discussion would probably be best.
    I know it’s hard, because I’d feel just as you do, but you can do it, Dani!

  17. From my point of view (a homecare provider), I always appreciate when parents let me know of their plans. Whether you feel the need to explain why you’re making the change, is completely up to you. She would probably appreciate knowing that it really isn’t her, just the situation in general. I think a letter or a phone call or maybe ask her if there’s a convenient time to meet with her after daycare hours.
    I’m the same when it comes to confrontation. So I definitely appreciate when parents bring up “sticky” subjects.

  18. From my point of view (a homecare provider), I always appreciate when parents let me know of their plans. Whether you feel the need to explain why you’re making the change, is completely up to you. She would probably appreciate knowing that it really isn’t her, just the situation in general. I think a letter or a phone call or maybe ask her if there’s a convenient time to meet with her after daycare hours.
    I’m the same when it comes to confrontation. So I definitely appreciate when parents bring up “sticky” subjects.

  19. I hate this kind of thing as well, and we’ll be going through something similar in a few months. I think face-to-face is the only way. Everything else, regardless of how sensitive the delivery, may seem like disrespect.

  20. I hate this kind of thing as well, and we’ll be going through something similar in a few months. I think face-to-face is the only way. Everything else, regardless of how sensitive the delivery, may seem like disrespect.

  21. Thank you so much for your excellent ideas and advice. Hmmm, you’re telling me what I didn’t want to hear, though. Ugh, oh alright, I’ll suck it up and talk to her face-to-face about it. Marla, I especially appreciate your suggestions about the gift and card. Lovely ideas.
    I’ll keep you posted!

  22. Thank you so much for your excellent ideas and advice. Hmmm, you’re telling me what I didn’t want to hear, though. Ugh, oh alright, I’ll suck it up and talk to her face-to-face about it. Marla, I especially appreciate your suggestions about the gift and card. Lovely ideas.
    I’ll keep you posted!

  23. We did this in December and it was ugly. Mostly because it was personal. We went to the opposite situation, more kids, bigger daycare, and it has been positive for us, though I see us outgrowing it too. The old caregiver has gone a bit psycho on me though, making excuses to call me at work and grill me on why we left. I am also chicken and don’t have the heart to tell her what’s wrong with her. I feel your pain.

  24. We did this in December and it was ugly. Mostly because it was personal. We went to the opposite situation, more kids, bigger daycare, and it has been positive for us, though I see us outgrowing it too. The old caregiver has gone a bit psycho on me though, making excuses to call me at work and grill me on why we left. I am also chicken and don’t have the heart to tell her what’s wrong with her. I feel your pain.

  25. OH dani
    I don’t know what to say. Good luck no matter how you break it to her.
    Hugs
    Sharon

  26. OH dani
    I don’t know what to say. Good luck no matter how you break it to her.
    Hugs
    Sharon

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