As I’ve mentioned before, my eldest son Tristan was conceived via in vitro fertilization (IVF) and my youngest son Simon was a blissful surprise. I used to be a quite vocal advocate of IVF causes, but have been lucky enough to be too burdened with parenting to do much work on that front lately.
Just before we did our first (and thankfully, only) cycle of IVF, Beloved and I were interviewed on CBC about the ethics of IVF. In particular, they were interested in embryos created but not implanted, and what you do with “leftover” embryos when your family is complete. It’s a part of IVF that, when facing our first transfer, we really didn’t lose a lot of sleep over. By the time I had come to terms with the more immediate hurdles of the $7,000 to $9,000 out-of-pocket cost for a single cycle, the paltry 35 to 40% chance of success, and the fact that I would have to do my own injections, we were willing to sign off on just about anything to get our kick at the can. Leftover embryos? Sure, (touch wood) if we are ever so lucky (touch wood) we’d be happy to donate them, maybe to science or maybe to another infertile couple, sure, where do I sign, just please can we get on with it?
Our clinic requires you to sign off on the “disposal” of excess embryos before you do your cycle. (Note: I’m having a very hard time writing this post and using words like excess, leftover and dispose when I know I’m talking about little frozen babies-to-be. I’m not at all rabid about abortion or right to life or anything, but it seems so cavalier to be using these words and I thought in the interest of disclosure you should know.)
In the end, I think we agreed to donate excess embryos to science, but not to go so far as to donate them to an infertile couple. At the time, I admired the nobility of the idea of donating embryos to an infertile couple, but Beloved had strong reservations and we compromised. For now, our lone frosty waits in cryogenic slumber and we pay $400 a year for the luxury of not having to think about it yet.
And now, I am finally getting to my point today. A friend of mine has both an older child and twins conceived through IVF. When she and her husband knew their family was complete, they made the selfless, courageous and heroic decision to donate their embryos for adoption. Imagine their surprise, shock and dismay to recently open an e-mail from our mutual clinic to find a forwarded e-mail from the family who adopted one of the embryos – with a photograph of their newborn child. The clinic, showing in my opinion an appalling lack of consideration, had forwarded the birth announcement back to the donating biological parents.
I cannot imagine what it must have been like for them to open that e-mail. My friend said she and her husband couldn’t help but scan the baby’s features, looking for similarities to their own – their other? – three children. I have to wonder what on god’s green earth the reproductive endocrinologist who forwarded that e-mail was thinking. He has made a career dealing with infertility and its intricacies, and I cannot fathom what would justify his actions.
Perhaps a note to the donating family, advising them that the donated embryo had – again, I am struggling for the right phrasing – come to fruition would have been marginally acceptable. That would have been more than enough for me. But to forward a photograph? I am simply flummoxed that the clinic would do this.
As if this weren’t burden enough, my friends now wrestle with further dilemmas. Their son, conceived at the same time as the donated embryo, has a serious nut allergy. They now wonder whether they are obliged to relay that information back to the adoptive family, via the clinic.
Nothing concrete changed when my friends looked at that photograph. It didn’t change the decisions they had made, and I’m sure on some level they knew that of course there was a good chance that someday, somewhere, a baby would be born from the embryo they conceived. I know enough families who have suffered through infertility to know that that baby has been born into a family that went to the ends of the earth and back to bring him or her into the world, and that there is a very good chance he or she will lead a wonderful and priviledged life. But, I do think that it would be better for everyone if that baby’s face remained unknown to my friends, because it was not their choice to know.
When we committed ourselves to the idea of using IVF to complete our family, there were a lot of things we agonized over. The cost, the physical challenges, the fear of failure were all huge obstacles to overcome. We worried about long-term health implications for me, for the children conceived through reproductive technologies. And yes, we worried about what to do with any leftover embryos, should we be so lucky to face that choice.
The jury is still out on what we’ll do with our lone little frosty, but I think we’re leaning toward giving it a try. I never expected to have three kids, don’t have a whole lot of room for three kids in our house nor our budget, but I think we have more than enough love to go around and with that as a foundation we can make anything work. Maybe in a year or two.
Before I wrote this, I asked my friend if it would be okay if I told you her story, and she said she’d be interested in hearing feedback from others. I know a lot of you have struggled with infertility, and have used reproductive technologies. We’d both like to hear your thoughts, whether you have wandered down that road or not.
Categories: infertility
My thoughts are with your friend. I can only imagine the difficulty they must have faced when they received that email. I am sure it was difficult enough for them to come to the decision to donate the remaining frozen embryos, but I am sure they never thought they would ever have to meet that child and wonder. And now to wonder further of their obligations must be so hard.
We too have decisions to make, but now I think I know what we aren’t going to do.
Great Post Dani.
Having gone through 2 IVF cycles, produced 70+eggs, and 40+embryos, I am amazed and thankful that I was never in a position to make the decision with which your friend was faced. DH and I discussed it many times, but could never come to a conclusion. I would like to think I would be as brave and compassionate as your friend, but in all likelihood we would have chosen a different route.
That being said, if we did make the difficult decision to donate, I would feel exactly the way your friend did. Blindsided describes it perfectly. The email coming from any other source could likely be explained away with good intentions. Coming from an RE is simply unacceptable, and almost unethical (IMHO). If there are not already guidlelines in place governing communication beyond donation there should be.
Contacting your friend to see if she wanting this type of information, would be acceptable, but this took the choice out of your friend’s hands. After she already made one, if not the, most difficult decision of her life.
Remarkable woman…
Dani,
I have to say that I am in utter shock after reading this. I have to think that if it were me that I might want more than the picture after seeing it, as selfish as that sounds. When we embarked on our final cycle we were very adamant that we would be finished and in the event that there were extra embryos we didn’t want to freeze them, thus finalizing our journey. My mother and I had a conversation about donating any extra and I couldn’t see myself doing it. I could only think that my child might have a sibling living next door. I can’t imagine what your friend is going through right now.
I have to wonder if the clinic thought of the pros and cons when dealing with this. To know that I had a (biological)child out there somewhere would probably send me to the ends of the earth for just another glimpse…..
We might be faced with biological siblings some day down the road. We don’t live in a big city and our birth father lives in the same part of the city that we do. I fear that someday our Dd will be going to school with…..
My heart goes out to the family that has been affected by this…I can only imagine how they are feeling.
CJ
What an interesting dilemma — and one that I thought about all morning before making a comment. I guess the ultimate question is: what is biological? Is it a passing on of genetic material or is it carrying a baby for 9 months?
I can understand why the clinic chose to forward the email. They were opening the doors for future dialogue. What they should have done is ask permission first because they have also opened the doors for potential legal headaches.
As far as I’m concerned if I carry a baby for nine months and then give birth to it, it’s mine regardless of how it got there. That said if I were in this situation and it was an embryo the hubby and I created, I would want to keep a dialogue going so in the future if there are questions, a relationship exists for answers. I feel for everyone in this circumstance because it is difficult.
PS – It’s my understanding that allergies are not genetic. Many develop in the womb or after birth.
WOW…Is all I can say. I can’t believe how callous the clinic was. I was lucky enough to have one child naturally OR as I like to call it the Old fashion way, and one with IVF. I did have 4 to freeze and we debated what to do. And in the end we decided to use them ourselves. We did the FET and got PG but never made it to the Ultra sound. Blighted Ouvum was the word they used.
Anyways I digress. We thought about what we would do if we didn’t want that 3rd child. Although going into this we wanted four. I thought how would I feel letting another couple have that was Mine and my hubbies in creation. Ok I felt I couldn’t do this. I would be wondering what he/she looked like and would my kids run into this biologically related child. This scared me. Silly I know but it did. Which is why in the end we went through with the FET.
I feel awful for this friend of yours…the clinic has open up a line of communication that was not asked for. Was this on the sheet that they wanted to be contacted? If it’s not then it should. And the Clinic should abid by this. Did couple at the other end want this to happen too?
I’m appalled that they were not even asked or given the right to choose.
Oh Dani!
Add me to the shocked list of people! As somone else said, if they requested to know, that is one thing, but to send a picture is altogether different.
It was totally selfless of them to donate their embyros to other couples in the first place. I don’t know if I would be able to do that to strangers (though I have offered to family)so, I think your friends are human beings with huge hearts!
Unfortunatly, I think that their compassion has been violated in a sense. They placed a trust in the clinic to donate to other wonderful, loving couples, but, have done this annonomously…for a reason. The clinic should have respected that. If they had wanted to see the face of the child, they would have requested that when they placed them up for adoption.
I hope that they contact the clinic and discuss with them what their wishes were/are. Offer suggestions to the clinic to better improve the discretion so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else.
Momsey
Wow. The only other word that comes to mind was used by Snack Mommy…blindsided.
I haven’t had the joy or pain of going through IVF (or anything else closely related to it). Nevertheless, even I would have thought that the clinic would have at least used some modicum of common sense in approaching your friends with the news. I may be somewhat naive, but I thought that even adoption agencies contact the parent(s) to ask them if they want to know more information about the life they’ve given up for adoption (rather than just springing it on them). You’d think that the clinic would approach this with the same level of sensitivity. This was entirely inappropriate.
I feel for your friends. I hope someone has spoken with the clinic so they either change their procedures or at least let their clients know up front how they intend to inform them when the “frosties” are donated to a family in need.
I have been stewing about this one for a day and overnight about this. My intention was to digest and calm down before writing something I may regret, but no deal. I would be so fucking pissed off I would be marching into that clinic with lawyer in tow and giving them a piece of my mind. WTF is that RE thinking? I am sure the intentions were oh, so very thoughtful, but like others said – completely and totally disrespectful and unethical.
I am feeling rather ‘torn’ for your friends, can’t imagine what they are going through. I am in complete awe of them donating anonymously like they did, complete selfless act, actually full of love for those little embies, giving them a chance since your friends felt their family was complete. If I were them, I’d possibly be re-thinking that decision right about now.
This is why we (like you Dani) remain rather undecided and pay the $$$ rent fees (frozen embies from two separate cycles = TWO rent fees btw) until we know what direction we will take. I am hesitant about the donating to another family (feel so cruel) but DH was admantly against it. He said he couldn’t go through life taking his boys to a hockey game and wonder if somewhere in that arena was another of his bio kids. I have to respect his position so we agreed to donate to research – in hopes of helping other couples down the road as well (just not in as generous a fashion as real donors).
Anyway, I tried to be calm, cool and collected but it didn’t work. I apologize, but I am still SO very pissed off at hearing this entire situation actually occurred.
Big hugs to your friends, I truly can’t imagine…