It’s over – a miscarriage

I went in for a routine OB appointment today. I was delighted when she told me to hop up on the table so we could ‘take a listen’ – I had completely forgotten I should now be far enough along to hear the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler.

Except she couldn’t find it, and so we went to the ultrasound rooms on the other side of the clinic. I was still cracking jokes and cheerful – I just figured the baby was being stubborn.

She took two pictures, left and came back with an ultrasound tech. There was no heartbeat. The baby measures 14 weeks, but I should have been 16 weeks tomorrow. The very kind tech told me she could find no abnormalities, no reason the baby didn’t survive. Just one of those things, I guess.

I have a d & c scheduled for Wednesday. I haven’t been through something like this, so it’s a little bit scary – but better than the alternative of waiting for nature to take its cruel course.

It’s over. Four pregnancies, three lost souls. I thought by writing this down, it would snap me out of this bad dream, but it seems this is really happening.

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Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

130 thoughts on “It’s over – a miscarriage”

  1. Dear Dani, I am so terribly sorry and heartbroken for you. My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

  2. Dear Dani, I am so terribly sorry and heartbroken for you. My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

  3. Oh I’m so sorry! I understand what you’re going through. This is almost exactly what happened to me my first pregnancy. The shock when I finally figured out what the tech was talking about hit me like a ton of bricks, especially after being so excited on the drive to the ultrasound appointment. Finding out at the end of the first trimester is so much harder than during the first few weeks because we’ve started to believe and really feel pregnant by that point (not to belittle anyone’s earlier losses of course). I really am sorry. I hope you aren’t alone right now. Driving home alone from that appointment was the most horrible 20 minutes of my life. If you need to chat with someone about what the D&C will be like, feel free to e-mail me. Mine was 5 days before Christmas 4 years ago, and I still miss that baby-who-could-have-been.

  4. Oh I’m so sorry! I understand what you’re going through. This is almost exactly what happened to me my first pregnancy. The shock when I finally figured out what the tech was talking about hit me like a ton of bricks, especially after being so excited on the drive to the ultrasound appointment. Finding out at the end of the first trimester is so much harder than during the first few weeks because we’ve started to believe and really feel pregnant by that point (not to belittle anyone’s earlier losses of course). I really am sorry. I hope you aren’t alone right now. Driving home alone from that appointment was the most horrible 20 minutes of my life. If you need to chat with someone about what the D&C will be like, feel free to e-mail me. Mine was 5 days before Christmas 4 years ago, and I still miss that baby-who-could-have-been.

  5. OMG, Dani, I’m so sorry. My heart is aching for you. I can’t believe it’s true – I wish I could make it not so.

  6. OMG, Dani, I’m so sorry. My heart is aching for you. I can’t believe it’s true – I wish I could make it not so.

  15. OH Dani
    Hugs and more hugs. Is there anything I can do for you? Please let me know.
    i tried to email you but it keeping bouncing back.

  16. OH Dani
    Hugs and more hugs. Is there anything I can do for you? Please let me know.
    i tried to email you but it keeping bouncing back.

  19. Oh, Dani. There’s just no good way to express my sorrow and my sympathy.
    I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could send real hugs, and some magic elixir to ease the heartbreak.
    Thinking of you, my friend.

  20. Oh, Dani. There’s just no good way to express my sorrow and my sympathy.
    I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could send real hugs, and some magic elixir to ease the heartbreak.
    Thinking of you, my friend.

  31. Well, that just friggen sucks!
    I’m sorry to hear your bad news. If you need to process, feel free to do it on your blog – we can take it.
    Or, if a virtual stranger can offer an email shoulder to process on, I can be reached at doula at hamilton birth revolution dot com.

  32. Well, that just friggen sucks!
    I’m sorry to hear your bad news. If you need to process, feel free to do it on your blog – we can take it.
    Or, if a virtual stranger can offer an email shoulder to process on, I can be reached at doula at hamilton birth revolution dot com.

  33. I’m sitting here balling right now, and I know this is nothing compared to what you’re going through. All I can say is we’re all here for you, in whatever way we can be. This too shall pass.

  34. I’m sitting here balling right now, and I know this is nothing compared to what you’re going through. All I can say is we’re all here for you, in whatever way we can be. This too shall pass.

  63. Oh, this is hard. That feeling of trying to un-true the news – it’s just so painful. When my best friend went through a miscarriage at 13 weeks I remember her saying, “I want my baby back” and I feel this way for you – I want your baby back, your lovely, wanted, loved baby. It’s just so wrong.
    I hope that you can feel the empathy and support that’s out here for you now, and that you’re surrounded by the people that you love and feeling their support even more.
    I am so sorry.

  64. Oh, this is hard. That feeling of trying to un-true the news – it’s just so painful. When my best friend went through a miscarriage at 13 weeks I remember her saying, “I want my baby back” and I feel this way for you – I want your baby back, your lovely, wanted, loved baby. It’s just so wrong.
    I hope that you can feel the empathy and support that’s out here for you now, and that you’re surrounded by the people that you love and feeling their support even more.
    I am so sorry.

  71. Unfortunatley I can also relate to what you are going through, last year at this exact time and the exact stage of your pregnancy. There are so many of us here for you and I am so very sorry you have to go through this… again. Know that I am thinking of you and sending loving thoughts your way.

  72. Unfortunatley I can also relate to what you are going through, last year at this exact time and the exact stage of your pregnancy. There are so many of us here for you and I am so very sorry you have to go through this… again. Know that I am thinking of you and sending loving thoughts your way.

  81. I’m so sorry Dani. This baby was such a hoped-for miracle, and to hear its over makes my heart ache for you.
    I too had a similar experience. WIth my first pregnancy, and a few weeks earlier. I also chose a D&C to end the waiting. Not having to wait for nature’s course in a case like this is a small mercy, I think.
    The anticipation of the D&C was much scarier than the reality for me, even though it didn’t make the whole situation stink any less. You can email if you have questions – remove the caps from my address.
    Many (hugs) to you and you’ll be in my thoughts.

  82. I’m so sorry Dani. This baby was such a hoped-for miracle, and to hear its over makes my heart ache for you.
    I too had a similar experience. WIth my first pregnancy, and a few weeks earlier. I also chose a D&C to end the waiting. Not having to wait for nature’s course in a case like this is a small mercy, I think.
    The anticipation of the D&C was much scarier than the reality for me, even though it didn’t make the whole situation stink any less. You can email if you have questions – remove the caps from my address.
    Many (hugs) to you and you’ll be in my thoughts.

  83. So very, very sorry Dani….
    I cried because I feel I know you through your writing.
    Be good to yourself during this time.
    Kim
    WhitePineLane

  84. So very, very sorry Dani….
    I cried because I feel I know you through your writing.
    Be good to yourself during this time.
    Kim
    WhitePineLane

  87. So sorry for your loss Dani. I wish there were words I could say to make you feel better. Just know that all the people whose lives you’ve touched in some way in the past are praying for you, as evident by these postings.

  88. So sorry for your loss Dani. I wish there were words I could say to make you feel better. Just know that all the people whose lives you’ve touched in some way in the past are praying for you, as evident by these postings.

  89. Oh Dani, I’m so very, very sorry. {{{Hugs}}}
    I’ve had a D&C. They’re manageable. I’m sending you LOTS of courage for that. I hope Beloved can go with you.
    Lots of love, and hope for healing.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  90. Oh Dani, I’m so very, very sorry. {{{Hugs}}}
    I’ve had a D&C. They’re manageable. I’m sending you LOTS of courage for that. I hope Beloved can go with you.
    Lots of love, and hope for healing.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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