Four little words I really need to hear

There are four little words I really need to hear right now. Four words that will probably save my sanity, if not the future well being of my sons. Four little words.

It’s just a phase.

Please remind me it’s just a phase, and tell me it’s a short one at that. I was reading one of the blogs in the momosphere, I don’t even remember which one, and she was lamenting about the terrible twos. She asked for advice, and her commenters said something along the lines of, you think two is bad, wait until three and a half.

Yeah.

Is anybody else finding the few months before the fourth birthday particularly trying? I think we’re caught in a double-whammy, with Simon in his terrible twos (officially, less than 20 days from now) and Tristan coming up on four. It hasn’t been pretty.

With Simon, at least I get where he is coming from. I understand, from a behavioural and cognitive perspective, what’s going on in his world and why he is so frustrated. (For great insight into the two year old mind and how to work with it, take a look at Marla’s post from last week.) And by luck and default, I’ve figured out some coping strategies. What I’m having a hard time dealing with is how he expresses his frustration – he hits or throws things or kicks things. What’s most troubling is seeing my own bad behaviours (I don’t always cope well with stress) coming from a two year old.

With Tristan, it seems to be more of an emotional thing. He’s argumentative. And obstinate. And whiney – oh, the whines. I know it’s all fairly normal; I think I read somewhere whining peaks around age four. But he’s a meltdown waiting for a trigger lately, and I’m not so sure that’s normal. Whenever he doesn’t get his way, he says things like “Nobody wants me” and “Nobody understands me”. I didn’t expect that one for another ten years or so. Is that on the developmental curve for preschoolers, too?

I have to say, I’m quite pleased that I’ve figured out how to manipulate at least one of the boys in my house. I read a lot more of the ‘literature’ on parenting (everything from books to magazines to blogs to message boards) than Beloved, and I’ve been looking for a way to dial drag him into the conversation. I found out they have a lot of the more popular parenting experts on videocasette, and if it’s on TV, Beloved will sit through just about anything! (kiss kiss, sweetie) In the summer we watched Thomas Phelan’s 1-2-3 Magic, and last week we watched Sal Severe’s video workshop on “How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too.”

In the Sal Severe video, he was saying the parents who have the hardest struggles with behaviour often have children that are bright (check!), have strong verbal skills (check!) and are persistent. Well, if we define ‘persistent’ as ‘stubborn as the day is long’, then yah, I think we qualify.

So tell me, mothers who have been there or are there – is three and a half to four really one of those known ‘phase’ times? And how did you cope? And are there more minefields ahead, or have I done all the hard work once we get through this one and we’ll just rest on our laurels from here on in?

Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

16 thoughts on “Four little words I really need to hear”

  1. OH DANI!
    nathan has been getting better he’s 4 1/2 now. 2 min ago when I told him to back up from the t.v. You not my best friend anymore. The tanturms are still here. Plus you can NOT make Nathan do anything or try anything unless he fully understands what’s going on. I talked about Gym and Swim on Friday he would not particiate in the gym part. NO Matter what I did. I embrassed to say I don’t think I handle it very well. But when his daddy got home he said and this blew out of the water…”I went to gym and swim daddy but I just watched the gym because I wanted to know excatly what they do before I do it. I think I might do it next week. Plus we got special snacks just for it. ” So I guess he has to see what it is before he does it. And I am meeting with a child crae friend Ihave and she has some literature for me to help me deal with a 4 year who can scold me in the same tone and voice as I do him.
    So I hoping that phase is on his way out. Please?

  2. Heck yeah, 3.5 to 4 (or even a few months beyond) was just awful. Meltdowns, whining, negativity.
    My informal observation in hanging around parenting webboards is that some kids have “terrible twos” that are pretty terrible, but are over by 3. And some kids cruise through the twos, like my first did (and 2nd is appearing to), and then have a really hard time sometime during the threes.
    What frustrated the heck out of me is that the parents who had real terrible twos that ended around three go around saying “Tantrums should be over by three, you must be doing something wrong or he must have some kind of bheavioral disorder.” (Never said that succinctly, but the attitude is clear). Perhaps this was my karmic payback for wondering if *MY* kid wasn’t going to go through the Terrible Twos because he was still happy and flexible at 2.5?
    Anyway, for us it was a grit your teeth, hold on, and keep repeating yourself. The basic lessons that needed to get through (Having a fit when we leave the park won’t get us to stay, for example), just seemed to sink in over time. We worked on trying to figure out techniques to help him calm down. We told him it’s okay to be angry or frustrated, but its not okay to do things that hurt people or objects.
    And somehow, at some point that I don’t even remember, he grew past them. Sadly, I think it left scars on my parenting; we had a number of power struggles before I found the techniques that worked for us that still lurk below the surface sometimes in the way I react to him and he reacts to me. But he’s a happy, healthy, Kindergartener who you can reason with over stuff.

  3. You are scaring me here… My 21/2 year old daughter is going through the worst time. I keep on saying to myself it will get better when she is three or four. But then I think About it and my son was great until he reached three and a half. The thing with him though is that he has been labeled with ADHD and early onset Bipolar. So I hoping that since my two year old is “bad” now that she will get better as she gets older. I do not know if I can handle another child with a mental diability. but believe me I am all for the phase thing. Children can go through phases, determing if it is to extreme for the “phase” is what you have to do. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your child 24/7 then it might be a good idea to talk to a your childs doctor or even a consult with a child P.H.D. I do hope this is a phase for your child. Take care and don’t forget time for you.

  4. When my now beautiful,well adjusted, high achieving, goal oriented 16 year old daughter was young, she was a terror – never slept, ran from morning until night, didn’t stay in bed, imagined and created all day long, had tantrums from 2-4, and drove me crazy. Someone who had a similar child said to me that the characteristics in her child that drove her the most crazy were also the ones that she most admired. I kept reciting this over and over, especially when she was getting out of bed at 11p.m. for the hundreth time.
    Well.. things changed when she went school – in JK she started going to bed on time and sleeping all night (as her teacher promised it would happen), and in Grade 1 her energy levels became normalish when she learned to read. She could transform her imagination and creativity into the books that she devoured (and still does).
    Now.. it is true; all the characteristics that were so challenging have served her well – she strives for things in life, is interested in many things (not just boys and clothes), is independent, and still thrives on activities, but can channel her energy into productivity.
    So it will turn out OK – the boys live in a loving household with parents who dote on them, and have a strong relationship. Just enjoy the good moments when they appear!

  5. Well, my daughter turned 4 last month and has been VERY trying!! Can you say attitude?! I’ve heard 4 is worse than 3!!! LOL
    Sorry! 🙁
    Ann

  6. I can’t remember if 3-1/2 to 4 was a bad age for my older daughter. 7-1/2 is currently so bad right now I can’t think about anything else…!
    Hope you get some useful suggestions from the blogging parents out there.

  7. Yes. Yes. Yes. DH & I were just discussion this how this age of 3.5 seems way more challening to us than the supposed ‘terrible twos’ ever were.
    Now they can talk, negotiate, argue, have opinions and boy oh boy A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E. Add the excessive whining (oooho maaaannnn how I haaaate the whiiiininnnggg…) and we are also hoping this ‘phase’ is over sooner than later. We have good days and bad days, but when the bad days get outta hand we are often ready to sell them to the gypsies.
    As for your almost 2 year old (OMG is he really that old?) when my little T would get mad and hit and bite, I taught him (and his brother) to punch a special pillow, or punch himself. It really worked. I think they thought it was a bit of a game and almost fun to get to run and hit the red pillow when they were angry. I still see B hitting his leg when he gets mad. Heck, better than hitting me!!
    Hang in there my friend, I can only think this is easier than adolescence. Right? (parents to adolescents be silent).
    xo

  8. Oh, I will add (after readong Allie’s Mom’s comment) that one of my friends who has children a little bit older referred to her phases as:
    the terrible twos
    the thrashing threes
    and
    the fucking fours
    yikes.

  9. Fucking fours. Yep, that about says it all.
    Seriously, thank you all for your comments, as usual. I mean, I live for comments on the best of days, but on the worst of days I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear commismeration and reassurance from the sweet people who play in the comment sandbox.
    xo Dani, ready to face at least one more day

  10. A few months ago I was absolutely ready to sell my 3.5-year-old to the gypsies. Since they wouldn’t take him, I had to ride out a wave of difficult behavior — whining, hitting his sister, just not listening in general. It’s gotten better over the past month or so, thank goodness. I don’t have any special hints for dealing with it; it just got better on its own.
    Good luck!

  11. keep hanging onto those four words Dani, they will come in handy many times!!!
    Somehow the terrible twos weren’t that terrible, yes there were tantrums and all but it was kind of expected PLUS there was a nap time during the day which gave ME a break. Now with the four year olds, there’s no break during the day, they REFUSE to watch TV to give ME a break and the ATTITUDE is downright pissing me off. They’re getting too smart and answering back and when I go into reprimand mode they’ve started to hit me in their angry state and I have to stand firm almost to the point of making them cry and then they calm down.
    All this to say, I have no magic words or inspiring words of wisdom. I’m just riding the wave. With what I’ve gathered from the twins and their older sister so far I see their behavior like a sinuous wave with peaks and throughs occuring at irregular intervals. Its different phases and as they get older the challenges change. And steer away from “what’s normal behavior for this age group”. I’ve seen your boys, totally normal kids, the good and the bad.
    Never a dull moment in parenting land!!

  12. Oh, man! If whining peaks at 4, I’ve got a long road ahead of me, 2.75 year old Luke is SOOO bloody whiny that I have a hard time not pulling my hair out. I love him, but he drives me mad. I’m glad to see that my frustration is normal. He is very persistent, and he seems bright and is certainly verbal.
    I can’t answer your question because he’s my oldest. But your post sure made me feel better about my situation. Thanks!

  13. Oh, god, Dani — 3.5 was the nadir of my existence. I started the damn blog just to GET AWAY from my kid when he was 3.5. I cannot tell you how many times a day I wanted to up and join the circus at that stage.
    I’ve found that it’s been a slow journey upwards from then. LG is MUCH easier to live with now than he was a year ago, though I can’t point you at a single month when things noticeably improved.
    Hang in there. It will get better. I promise.

  14. *snort* Phantom, you made me laugh out loud!
    I read all your comments out loud to Beloved last night, and we both vowed to relax a little bit more and try to enjoy riding the waves a little bit more. I can’t tell you how much better it feels having just written my concerns down, let alone having all you tell me you went through (or, ha ha, are about to go through) the exact same thing. Yesterday was a much better evening, even though I think there were at least three tantrums in the three hours we were all together. A little camraderie goes a long way.
    I love my bloggy friends!
    xo Dani

  15. My son is 3.75, as well. And how!
    It really hit me hard because it was very different with my daughter. Three to four was a wonderful age for her. She had started learning to use her manners, she was creative and curious, and she was able to express herself very well using verbal language as well as her art.
    With Lucas it has been such a struggle. Everything is a fight and meltdowns are waiting for both of us around every corner.
    I wish I had some advice to give but I’m at the “Pulling My Hair Out” knot on my rope and there isn’t much more rope left.
    Good Luck!

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