Trouble next door

I need your advice, oh clever and wise bloggy friends.

I’ve blogged before about our troubles with the teenager next door. I don’t think he is a particularly bad kid, but he is on the road to trouble. He lives with his mom, whom I like on a “chatting in the driveway” kind of way, and his younger brother and sister, who are sweet and well mannered but wild. The teen is surly, he smokes dope at all hours of the day without much attempt to be covert about it, he skips classes and he is rude to his mother. He can also be quite polite, even to me, when the mood strikes him. Like I said, I don’t think he’s so much bad as misguided.

But…

Last night at about 1 am I woke up to loud voices in the driveway. I stumbled to the window just in time to see somebody coming up our walkway about six meters from the front door and without even thinking about it, I opened the window and yelled, “Hey! SCAT!” (Scary, eh? What can I say, I was still half asleep.) He turned on a dime and ran back to his house – I saw when he turned it was the teen next door – and I heard him thumping around inside, probably running up the stairs.

I was a little perplexed, and actually felt a little bad for yelling at him. I don’t know whether he was up to mischief and maybe wanted to smash the three pumpkins still sitting on the porch, or whether he was in trouble and was coming to knock on the door (I’ve told the littler ones that if they ever need help and their mom isn’t home, they can come and knock on my door), or something else. I yelled mostly because he and his friends have previously made a habit of sitting on the park bench on our front lawn and smoking or chatting rather loudly in the wee hours of the morning, and while I don’t begrudge them the use of the bench, I’m less than tolerant of the butts on the lawn and being woken up by someone I didn’t recently give birth to.

Less than a few minutes later, I again heard voices yelling in the driveway (this is through closed windows, mind you) and got up to look out the window just in time to see him stalking off toward the playground nestled in a small copse of trees across the street. I recognized his mother standing in the driveway calling after him, then rifling through her purse looking for something. She disappeared into the house and while I stood there in a sleepy stupor too tired to crawl back into bed, a police car came down the street with spotlight blazing, searching between the houses. As I watched, he scanned the park with his spotlight before parking in the driveway and going in to talk to my neighbour. For at least another 15 minutes, he and another squad car prowled the neighbourhood, shining their spotlight between houses and through the darkened park and schoolyard across the street.

I have no idea whether they found him, what they did with him when they did, or why they were looking for him. Mostly, I would really like to know what he was up to when I chased him away from my front door.

This isn’t the first encounter with the police I’ve watched through drawn blinds. A month or so ago on a cold and rainy night, I was getting the kids ready for a bath when Beloved told me two squad cars were in the driveway next door. The teen was in the back of one of the cars and the officers were talking to my neighbour. I got the impression that she had called the police and not that he had been picked up somewhere. At one point, they pulled the kid out of the back of the squad car to pat him down, and he was handcuffed. The mom went back in the house, and the two squad cars – with the kid still in the back seat – pulled out of the driveway and onto the grass of the soccer field across the street to talk to each other in that driver’s window to driver’s window pose you often see cops and taxi drivers doing in parking lots.

All that to say, I’m getting a little worried.

I’d like to talk to my neighbour about this, to let her know I’ve seen the police visiting. She’s a really nice lady who seems to be trying hard, but is maybe a little overwhelmed to find herself a single mother to three kids. I’d like to ask her what’s up in a mother-to-mother sort of way, to offer a bit of camaraderie while at the same time make sure that he’s not into something that might have some consequences for my family, for my precious baby boys.

What do you think? Should I talk to her? Do you think it’s reasonable that I ask her what’s going on? Last year when Tristan had his seizure and the fire rescue truck and ambulance showed up with lights blazing after I called 911, she asked me the next day if everything was okay, so there’s a sort of a precedent. I was even thinking of calling the police station myself and asking about the nature of the call, but I’m guessing they won’t divulge that sort of information.

It’s not that I’m curious (okay, yes I am) or being nosy – I’m genuinely concerned that there’s a risk (small but real) to my property and my family now. You don’t call the police on your own kid just because you’re having a bad night, and they showed up WAY too quickly after the kid disappeared (one minute, maybe two) for them to be responding to a call that she made after he stalked off, so I can’t help but wonder if she called the police because I chased him away.

Any thoughts?

Author: DaniGirl

Canadian. storyteller, photographer, mom to 3. Professional dilettante.

16 thoughts on “Trouble next door”

  1. I used to live in a neighborhood like this. And I am a big believer in talking …. talking to the Mom or the kid or both. I think it is better to find out what is going on. After all, it’s your community and what happens affects you too.
    Too often there is some kind of taboo about talking about stuff like this, and I think that can be really dangerous. I know that I would rather know what is going on and what I could do to help.

  2. Thanks, jo(e)… that’s exactly the tack I would like to take – what’s going on, and how can I help.
    I don’t know why I feel the need to justify, but I do – you said, “I used to live in a neighbourhood like that.” That’s what bothers me the most, I think – we don’t live in “that” kind of neighbourhood, we live in a tree-lined suburban paradise, the most family-friendly neighbourhood in the region.
    Trouble comes in all sizes and price ranges, I guess…

  3. I would talk to the mother about it, just in a ‘concerned friend’ sort of way. You have every right to know what’s going on, especially because some of the activity goes on in your yard. Let us know how it goes.
    P.S. My husband is a Leo, born August 3rd. Is that close enough for us still to be twins?

  4. My guess is that he came to your house because he was too out of it to recognize that he had the wrong place. Sounds like a drug problem, and one that his mom perhaps feels too frightened to deal with unless she has police backup. No fun at all for his family, or for you. I bet the mom would really appreciate it if you let her know that it was ok to talk about it with you. She’d have a sympathetic ear, and you’d know what you’re dealing with.
    I don’t think teenage drug use has much to do with the quality of the neighborhood, by the way. The highest concentration of regular drug users I ever saw was at prep school. And a lot of those kids had “Park Avenue” in NYC as their home neighborhood…

  5. Yay for sticking up for your neighbourhood! I agree, these issues come up in any neighbourhood. That being said, you are being SO tolerant and nice about this. Frankly, it would bug me. What are he and his friends doing sitting on your bench late at night? Why would he come up your walk late last night? These things aren’t acceptable. I would talk to the Mom. If you want to speak to her Mom-Mom, great. That is totally your style, I think. I think I would be a b*tchier about it ie. “I have small children, this isn’t accetable, next time I may have to call the police….” I don’t know if that would actually do more harm than good, though. Man, I must sound like the neighbourhood curmudgeon! Let us know how it turns out!
    Katie

  6. I also say talk to her in a friendly supportive way. She may need someone to talk to, you can let her know that you’re available to her and the kids any time they need you. She may even want reports from you about her son’s actions. She’s not being a bad mother, and you’re not being a nosy neighbour – instead you are helping someone in a neighbourly fashion, just the way it’s supposed to be.
    It takes a village to raise a child (or something like that).

  7. i’d agree with a couple of commenters here before me… just let your neighbour know, in a friendly roundabout kind of way that if she needs help or support in any way, you would be willing…
    in a way, we need to look after each other and each others kids… that’s what community’s all about…
    —–

  8. I’m all for the curiosity/neighborly chat–since she set the precedent, as you said.
    Also (at least here) police reports are public record, so you can at least find out something if she doesn’t open up.

  9. At this point, she’s got to know that the whole neighbourhood knows something is up–right? I mean, police cars showing up in the middle of the night–people tend to notice. If I were her, at this point, I’d be thinking, “What must they think of me?” In which case, someone asking me what’s going on in a friendly way, a supportive way, might make me feel a whole lot better.

  10. Personally, I say kudos to the mom next door for having the guts to call the cops on her own kid. It takes courage to offer that kind of tough love in hope of keeping her kid on the straight and narrow.
    We’ve got a similar situation in our neighbourhood with a house across the street — angry teen; black clothes, black hair, black eyes; and a rebellious, I-routinely-cause-unnecessary-property-damage kind of attitude. Problem is, his mom is scared to death of the kid and lets the little shit do whatever he wants. Last night when I was out with the girls trick-or-treating we passed the house and were treated to the sights and smells of the kid and his doped-up friends smoking weed and distributing eggs amongst themselves in preparation for a night out. Granted, I caused a bit of trouble as a youth, but I never had the balls to prep for it in plain view on the front lawn of my parents’ house.
    Anyway, my point is that I agree with what’s been said so far. I’d go ahead and talk to your neighbour. Trust yourself to be tactful and I’m sure she’ll welcome an ear to bend about the struggle she must be having. And if not, so be it. But it is your neighbourhood, too, so you have every right.
    And incidentally, after last night I plan on tactfully telling my neighbour — a single mom having problems or not — that if I ever walk out my front door with my kids again and see her son and a bunch of moron teens getting high in her front yard, I’ll be calling the cops myself.
    Good luck with whatever you do (and sorry for the long comment).

  11. Talk to her and I’d even venture a call to the police if she’s not forthcoming (if they are friendly suburban police, not mean crime show police). We are so quick to ignore our instincts in the name of politeness but I think you have the right to know what’s going on.
    Hugs
    Jen

  12. Talk to her!! And then of course share the dirt with us, would ya??
    I don’t mean to sound uncaring, jsut everyone said it sooo well before me. I do strongly feel though that the neighbour mom to neighbour mom approach would by far work in your favour and not the protective mother of two little ones – may seem to aggressive/antigonistic.
    You’ll do great.

  13. go for it Dani, talk to her in a mom to mom way, you’ve got a gentlenes about you that’s not intimidating
    wouldn’t want to be your neighbour, the mom that is, I just pray my own kids never stray like that

  14. Just like everyone else thinks, you should at least let her know that you are fully aware of the cops, etc. She needs to understand that you and all the other neighbours can hear the goings on in the middle of the night. And she did offer you an in a while ago. Maybe she is just waiting for you to say something so she can spill her beans.
    Anna – whos neighbours share everything with her!

  15. Thank you, my friends, for your most excellent advice and perspective. Interesting that not a single person said “mind your own business” or “you don’t want to buy into that trouble.”
    I will try to find a way to talk to her about this. I did call the police station, but information about calls is protected under the privacy legislation so that didn’t help.
    Of course, I will blog a full report for the nosy and supportive masses!

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