Digital cable discontent

So it’s been a little less than a week since we’ve had our fancy new digital cable box, and you know what?

Even with 600+ channels, there’s STILL nothing on TV.

Worse, I now spend my precious hour or so of TV time each night scaling through the digital TV Guide gadget looking for stuff to watch instead of actually, you know, watching stuff. There may yet be a learning curve so I don’t have to scroll painfully through all 600 channels looking for a particular channel or, worse, hoping to serendipitously find something worth watching, but right now the TV is actually adding to the agitation rather than distracting me from it.

I’m paying for this experience? (Ha, well, not for the next 5 3/4 months I’m not!)

In the last week, I’ve watched about two hours of the Food network, and the boys have come to love 1970s-era superhero cartoons on early morning Toon Retro. And that’s about it. Everything else is just 50 timeshifted or HD or who knows what versions of the same crap that wasn’t worth watching last week, either.

There are a couple of things I would have liked to watch on the retro sitcom networks, but we don’t get those channels. Beloved was excited to get the National Geographic channel, but we don’t get that channel. And I would have invested an hour or so on Saturday afternoon in MuchMusicRetro (it’s my fave at the gym) but — wait for it — we don’t get that channel, either. Just about everything I found in the electronic guide that made me say, “Oh! That looks good!” ended up with a screen telling me that I don’t have access to that channel. For an additional fee, though, they’d be happy to hook me up. Bah.

And just by the way? Why can’t all the on-demand stuff be on the same channel? I spent at least 20 minutes yesterday trying to figure out why the Treehouse-on-demand show I had saved for the boys was nowhere to be found on the Rogers-on-demand channel until I realized they were two separate entities.

All in all, I’d have to say that my first week of digital cable has left me unimpressed. We haven’t even tried out the PVR yet because there was simply nothing worth recording.

Oh well, I suppose I can always use my former TV time to catch up on my blog reading…

Free meat winner!

Congratulations to Patrice and her BBQ shrimp recipe, winner of the coupon for a free PC® Tender and Tasty™Boneless rib grilling steak!

(there was an image of a screenshot from random.org here, but I could not force the editor to cut it down to proper size. Sigh. You’ll have to take my word for it!)

Thanks to all who played, and to President’s Choice for the free meat!

Project 365: all about colour and shapes

I’ve been swallowing photography books whole lately. Conveniently, Beloved will be teaching digital photography and already teaches Photoshop at a local college, so we have a steady stream of current textbook samples coming into the house. One of the first really great books I read was by Photoshop guru Scott Kelby. His Digital Book of Photography and Digital Book of Photography 2 are great books filled with simple instructions on how to get your camera to do what you want it to do, and gives explicit directions on how to get the shot you want in a range of photographic situations: portraits, landscape photography, sports shots, weddings, etc. Full of explicit “set your camera like this, ensure you do A, B and C, and click” type of advice.

Once I’d read every other book on digital photography techniques I could get from Beloved or the library, I moved on to some of Bryan F. Peterson’s books. I was a little surprised at how, um, outdated they were — OMG, soooo 1998 — but you know what? The techniques of photography that I’m now most concerned about are rather timeless, and it doesn’t matter if you’re shooting film or pixels. In particular, his People in Focus was great for thinking about the psychology of taking portraits, both of people you know and people you don’t. I’m still waiting for my turn in the library queue for his highly recommended Learning to See Creatively: Design, Color & Composition in Photography. I’ve also discovered and highly recommend the books of John Hedgecoe. His photography is a little, um, odd sometimes, but I’ve learned a lot about shape and texture and space from his books.

By chance, I stumbled upon a recommendation for Freeman Patterson’s books, and now I have a new photographic idol. And he’s Canadian! I’m about half way through his Photography and the Art of Seeing — an ancient mid-1970s edition from the library. It’s the first photography book I’ve read that doesn’t contain a single reference to the aperture and shutter speed used to achieve each image — instead, it’s like a workshop on how see led by your philosophical and tragically verbose favourite uncle. In googling it just now, I stumbled across his website, and am *so* ordering my own updated copy personalized and signed by the author.

As I’m reading Patterson’s book, I find myself wandering around and seeing the shapes of things — it’s very distracting! Did you know there are primary shapes just like there are primary colours? Circles, squares and triangles. And — finally, to the point — you can see the influence of my new infatuation with the shapes of things in this week’s pictures.

These eggs, for instance. See how the oval shape of the egg is repeated in each egg and in the bowl? I really liked the tones in this picture too. (Another lesson this week: if you’re shooting something with a lot of white, your camera’s light meter will be tricked into trying to underexpose the image. You have to use your exposure compensation to overexpose a bit over what the camera is trying to record.)

141:365 Eggs

And these canisters, found inside Watson’s Mill in Manotick, where Lucas and I took refuge from the pouring rain when I was looking for something, anything to shoot one day while coming back from an extended nap drive. See how the circle pattern is repeated in each canister, in the way they’re grouped and in the cutting board they’re standing on?

139:365 Canisters

The repetition of the shoes, and of the colours in them, and in the deck rails underneath is a little more subtle in this shot. I loved how the early-morning light fell on the shoes, left up to dry after a day of messy fun with the new sand and water table. This picture makes me very happy for some reason — it captures something about the bliss of my family life in this tiny point in time.

138:365 Shoes

Speaking of the sand and water table, here’s the shot from the day before. (I know you’ve seen it already, but isn’t it precious enough to show off twice?) They played together for hours with that thing. Who knew?

137:365 Sand and water table

This fellow was busking in the Market when I was out wandering on my lunch hour one day this week. I was fascinated by the intricate design on his accordion and by his jaunty little hat, and even the pattern on his shirt. I dropped a loonie into his case to say thanks for letting me snap a few portrait shots of him, but wasn’t brave enough to actually say anything. He did favour me with a nice smile, though!

140:365 Polka man

These pretty flowers aren’t flowers at all, they’re weeds growing against a fence in a parking lot! See how the flowers are circular, and the four of them together make a semi-circle, and the bits of swirly stems in the blurred background echo that curve? That’s what I was going for, anyway!

142b:365 Yellow flowers swimming in bokeh

Some things just cry out to be photographed. I was driving down Gladstone near Booth when I did a double-take while passing this house. Is this not the yellowest house you have ever seen? Luckily, I had enough time to double back and stop to take a couple of snaps of this outrageously yellow house. I have no idea why someone would do this, but I kind of like it! (We once painted our tiny Glebe attic apartment’s living room with this exact shade of yellow. We called it “homicidal yellow.”) The sign on the wall says the building is slated to be torn down, and an application has been received to build seven (!) townhouses in its place. Sigh.

142:365 The yellowest house

From homicidal yellow to righteous red — I’m on a primary colour streak! (apparently, I’m going to have to find something in deepest blue to photograph today!) This is what fresh, local strawberries are supposed to look like, not those anemic things they truck in from California.

143:365 Madly red berries

And, as I said above, some things just beg to be photographed. I had a chest x-ray done yesterday for the double-pneumonia that will not quit. How often do you get to take a photograph (of the photograph) of your own lungs?

143b:365 Yes, as a matter of fact, those are my lungs

And finally, an out-take from earlier in the week. I was trying to take the egg picture above, and was trying the eggs in various combinations of bowls, when Lucas crawled up onto the table to see what was so interesting. Lookit those fat crocodile tears running down his cheeks, just after I’d scolded him with a firm, “No!” I call this one “The egg thief.”

141b:365 The egg thief

And that’s why doing a 365 project is especially challenging for a busy mother of three: you try to take a picture of eggs, and end up with a picture of eggs being taken!

Big brothers, little brother

I’m endlessly fascinated by the dynamic (trynamic?) among my boys, and the way our parenting style has changed over the years.

When Simon arrived, Tristan was still less than two years old, and one period of babyness blended rather seamlessly into another. With a four year gap between Simon and Lucas, though, I was concerned that the larger gap would make finding a common interest far more difficult.

Even though Tristan was more of a Bob the Builder and Thomas fan, and Simon was more of a Wiggles kind of toddler, they were still largely in the same sort of phases at the same time. By the time Simon was four and Tristan six, their tastes were on a more or less level playing field, and they moved through mutual obsessions with Star Wars and Indiana Jones and straight into the current fascination with (sigh) Pokémon.

And that’s how I have a 16-month old whose first words included reference to Pokémon characters. What’s really endearing, though, is that Lucas calls all of them, from Pikacu to Darkrai to Turtwig, “Baby!” It’s really quite cute. He will gesture at one of Tristan’s multitude of Pokémon drawings (new ones added daily) on the wall, or the screen saver, or the book Tristan is reading, and exclaim “Baby!” I’m not sure why or how Pokémon characters came to be known, quite emphatically no less, as “Baby!” In fact, Lucas will pick the word baby out of a conversation and bring you whatever Pokémon accoutrement is lying nearby.

What’s really interesting to me, though, is how Lucas has drawn his brothers back to the toys and interests that they outgrew years ago. A couple of weeks ago, Lucas found some of Tristan’s old Bob the Builder toys and was immediately drawn to them, I think largely because of Bob’s happy yellow hat. (Lucas had an early fascination with hats, and “hat” was one of his first words. He will also run his hands through my or Simon’s hair and say “hat”.) So we hauled out all the old Bob the Builder toys, and a new obsession was born.

Lucas loves Bob the Builder. He calls all of the characters, from Muck and Scoop to Farmer Pickles and Wendy, “Bob!” He will happily sit and play with the various characters and play sets for long stretches, and my heart swells to see him sitting quietly cross-legged, all by himself, perusing the pages of the Bob book in his lap. He learned the power of his ability to command by gesturing at the TV and demanding “Bob!” When you sing the theme song and pause at just the right spot, he will interject “Bob!” with a vehemence that is utterly charming.

And to my surprise and delight, Tristan and Simon have rediscovered Bob the Builder, too. I thought the boys might resent sharing the TV and DVD player, forced to change the channel from Teletoon drivel like “Total Drama Island” to preschooler favourites, but they’ve been more than indulgent – I kind of think they like it. Tristan has far more patience than I could ever conjure up for imaginary play with the Bob characters and playsets, and my heart nearly bursts when I see him reading Bob books to Lucas.

I’d expected Lucas to be influenced by the tastes of his older brothers, but I didn’t expect Lucas to have such influence over his big brothers. We’re entering a golden time, when they are just the right age to start playing together and enjoying each other’s company. I’m sure it won’t last, but I’ll milk it for all it’s worth while I can.

Moments like these are too precious and too few, and I treasure them like gold.

137:365 Sand and water table

Free meat!

About a month ago, the nice folks working on the latest President’s Choice promotional campaign asked me if I’d be interested in reviewing some new products from the meat department. It’s BBQ season, and I was more than happy to oblige!

Here’s what they’d like me to tell you:

PC® Tender and Tasty™ beef is cut from Canada AAA or USDA Choice grade beef, restaurant quality beef superior to previous Canada AA offerings. PC® Free From™ beef, chicken and pork products are specially selected and raised without the use of antibiotics. Loblaw is also increasing the amount of meat it is sourcing from Canadian producers.

They also sent along two coupons for a free PC® Tender and Tastyâ„¢Boneless rib grilling steak, one of which I’d like to share with you, and a PC sea salt and black peppercorn grinder, which I love too much to share. In fact, I love it so much I bought one to keep at my desk for lunches at work. My new absolute favourite lunch is a hunk of old cheddar and two tomatoes cut into quarters or eighths and generously sprinkled with freshly ground sea salt and black peppercorns. I have been known to lick the plate.

Ahem, anyway, back to the free meat… as I said, I have one coupon to share with you for a complimentary rib steak, maximum value $15, redeemable at the usual places where President’s Choice products are sold: Loblaw, Fortinos, Superstore, Provigo, Independent, etc.

If you’d like to win some free meat (heck, I just like saying free meat — imagine the google traffic!) just leave a comment with your favourite BBQ meal ideas. One winner will be chosen at random on Saturday, June 13, and the coupon will be sent to you via snail mail shortly thereafter.

Here’s one of my family’s favourite BBQ meals: grilled chicken fajitas. Take two boneless, skinless chicken breasts and place in a large freezer baggie with a good drizzle of olive oil and a package of fajita seasoning. Toss to coat, and leave to marinate for at least an hour. Slice up a red, yellow or orange pepper and a white or sweet onion, and place in the middle of a large sheet of aluminum foil. Squirt with half a lime, sprinkle with cilantro and red pepper flakes if you like it spicy. Wrap the foil around the peppers and onions and roll the edges to seal them.

Grill the chicken on medium-high heat for about 6 minutes per side, turning once. Place the aluminum-wrapped veggies on the bun rack if you have one, or off to the side of the direct heat, while you are grilling the chicken. Be careful opening the foil packet — it’s steamy and full of juice. Cut the chicken into strips, and serve with warm tortillas, salsa, grated cheddar or Monterrey Jack cheese, and guacamole. Mmmmmmm! Grilling the fajita seasoning makes for a nice blackened chicken.

The Family Photographer: Controlling the light

Okay, so you’re trying to take a picture of your brand new puppy: a tumbling, squiggling ball of golden fur. It’s late afternoon and the light is low. What can you do?

My first recommendation? Don’t use a flash, and especially don’t use the in-camera flash that pops up in automatic mode. I’ve learned over the past year that the in-camera flash gives a cold, unflattering flat colour to your subject, and casts harsh shadows.

DSC_0513
See the red-eye, the harsh shadow, and the flat grey tone of Tristan’s skin? Flash = evil!

Okay, so no flash. What to do, then? First, move your puppy near a window. Not in the direct sunlight, but within six feet or so of a nice, bright window. The diffuse light will make some lovely and gentle contrasts but no harsh shadows.

You’ve got some nice warm light, and the puppy is chewing adorably on one of your old shoes. You take the picture — and when you look at the LCD display, all you see is a blur of yellow fur. Because you didn’t use the flash and the light is low, the shutter speed wasn’t fast enough to “freeze” the motion of the energetic puppy.

What can you do? Well, you could turn on some more lights in the room, but that might ruin the nice tones and shadows you’re getting from the window light. There are three things you can do to control the amount of light getting into your camera and improve your picture:

(1) Open up the aperture.
(2) Slow down the shutter speed.
(3) Boost the ISO.

The first thing you should try is opening up your aperture to a nice fat f-stop like f/2.8 or f/3.5. You want a little f-stop number, which means a big opening, so lots of light will get in. That also means, though, that you’ll have a really shallow depth of field, which is how much of the image is in focus. You can use that creatively, so when you focus on your puppy, you can throw your ugly couch in the background out of focus and avoid the distraction of the pile of newspapers on the coffee table behind him.

If you were taking a picture of something that wasn’t moving, like your sleeping puppy, another option would be to slow down the shutter speed. The shutter speed also controls how much light gets in, but the longer the shutter is open, the more likely movement will lead to a blurry subject. If you are using a shutter speed any lower than 1/60 of a second, you should probably be using a tripod, or bracing your camera on a solid surface.

DSC_1006
Sometimes, you can use a slower shutter speed creatively to emphasize movement.

So you’ve maxed out the aperture, and you can’t use a shutter speed any less than 1/250 of a second or so because the puppy is a wiggling mass of energy, but the images are still not crisp enough. What can you do? Try boosting your ISO.

In a film camera, ISO (or ASA) refers to how sensitive the film is to light. In Digital Photography ISO measures the sensitivity of the image sensor. A lower ISO gives you pictures that are more crisp, but a higher ISO lets in more light so you can shoot a at a faster shutter speed, thus letting in more light, thus reducing motion blur. I leave my Nikon D40 at the lowest ISO setting (200) and only adjust it if I need more light. The only problem with higher ISOs is that at really high settings (depends on your camera, but usually at 1200 or more) you start to get “noise” which is a grainy quality to your images that’s especially noticable with printed enlargements.

So there’s three easy ways to control the light so you can take stunning photos of your adorable new puppy. And, completely unrelated to light, here’s three more tips to improve your puppy pictures:

  1. Get down low. Shoot at puppy’s eye level, or even lower if you can.
  2. Get in close and fill the frame.
  3. Focus on the puppy’s eyes. If you get the eyes in focus, the portrait will work. If you miss focusing on the eyes, something just seems “off” about a portrait.

So what do you think? Is this stuff helpful or boring? Anything else you’d like to talk about? I’m weirdly intimidated by these posts all of a sudden, maybe because I’m in an insecure place in my own picture-taking right now. And by all means, please do share your ideas and thoughts for controlling the light!

In which Beloved is completely weirded out in the library

On the weekend, Beloved and Lucas went to the library to pick up a couple of books on hold. While he was there, scanning the books into the self-serve check-out, he heard someone say, “Hey look, there’s Lucas!”

He turned around to see someone he had never met before. The woman quite pleasantly introduced herself as a reader of the blog, and in turn introduced Beloved to her husband. “Oh, hello,” said her husband. “My wife has told me about your family. It’s nice to meet you.”

He didn’t catch (or didn’t remember) the name of the nice lady and her husband, but I’m pretty sure I know who it was. Funny how you never see some people who live in your neighbourhood out in the community, and you run into other people all over the place. This particular family I’ve bumped into at the grocery store more than once, at the gym, and now at the library. Too funny! *waves to nice neighbourhood friends*

Beloved came home and told me about his brush with minor celebrity, laughing but with a bit of a weirded out look in his eyes. “That’s it,” he said, and I think he was only half joking. “I think we’re done with the blog thing now.”

I had to laugh. Poor Beloved! You see lots of angst in the blogosphere about the effect that blogging your life has on the children, but not so much about the effect on the privacy-coveting spouse. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll come around the next time there’s chocolate bar or video game freebies to be reviewed!

Couch potato alert!

I think the Rogers Cable people have been reading my blog. Just days after whinging about the pathetic lack of viewable TV in the month of June, they call me up and offer me free digital cable. Now, I kind of like the fact that we’re old skool with our TV channels, considering we’re such TV junkies. 65 channels has always seemed like plenty to me. Maybe it’s because I can still clearly remember our 13-channel TV, where channel 1 was UHF, channel 7 was French and channel 13 was red, green and blue striped informational text. And in an era where we are struggling to make ends meet, digital or satellite cable has always struck me as an indulgence we could easily forgo.

But because I am so very tired of settling for crap in the hour or so each night that Beloved and I watch TV before the kids go to bed, and because I’d love to one day explore the range of TV options beyond 9 pm (hey, 5 am comes early!) I was particularly vulnerable to the nice East Indian chap who called this afternoon. Instead of abruptly cutting him off, I listened to his pitch with a detached kind of interest, still pretty sure I was going to blow him off. The gist of it was that the digital channels — hundreds upon hundreds of them, including Teletoon Retro, the only one I knew we’d collectively love — for an extra $7 a month, with the first six months free. Meh, $7 isn’t much. Couple of coffees at Tim Horton’s a month. Okay, I’m wavering.

“How about you throw in a free PVR?” I say, shooting for the moon. I desperately want a PVR but can’t justify getting one as long as our VCR still functions. There are very few gadgets outside of the photographic realm that I covet, but I have been deeply jonesing for a PVR for more than a year, mostly when I am rummaging through stacks of unlabelled tapes, hunting for one I can use 75 seconds before Lost begins. When I find out someone has a PVR, I immediately and obsessively must know the details of their viewing habits, what they have stored and what they record regularly. I really, really want a PVR.

“I can do that,” says my new best friend, and my mouth drops open in surprise. “It will cost you $19.99 a month to rent after the six-month trial period is over, though, and another $2 for the digital channels.” I am busy flipping calendar pages in my head as I count off the months on my fingers… September, October, November — we could have a free PVR and digital cable through December if I agree to this deal. I am hooked like a trout.

We can go pick up our no-strings-attached PVR on Monday. I’m so excited I could dance. Oh, the TV we will watch this summer! We may never actually leave the living room. And it’s free! Free and TV, two of my favourite things!

(Anybody want to lay odds on the chances of us returning the PVR to Rogers in December when the free trial period is up? Ah well, in classic Scarlett O’Hara fashion, we can think about that tomorrow…)

Project 365: experimenting

We tend to leave our laptop open on top of our TV console in the evenings, and half the time I’m as drawn to the slide show of the “pictures” file as I am to whatever drivel is on TV. (Tangent: June TV? Painful suckage.)

The one really nice thing I can say about the Windows Vista operating system is that it makes a really lovely set of random slide shows. It doesn’t just display the pictures, but wraps them up in fancy transitions, adds backgrounds and frames, varies how the images are displayed, and even displays them occasionally in black and white. Looking at some of my favourite images in black and white, together with a couple of books I’ve read on getting more out of black and white digital photography, encouraged me to try some monochromatic images this week. It was supposed to be a week-long theme, in fact, but my attention span is simply not that long.

Last Friday was rainy and dreary (again) and I went out into the drizzle at lunch time trying to see how the rain changed the “look” of things I look at every day. I ended up wandering down to the Notre Dame Cathedral and took a couple of pictures inside that I didn’t end up liking very much. But when I came out of the cathedral and noticed how the Parliament Buildings lined up under Maman’s legs, I knew it would make a neat composition. Unfortunately, despite my best stink-eye I couldn’t get the gaggle of school-group tourists to move out of my frame, so I had to cut Maman off at the knees. (Maman is one of my favourite Ottawa attractions, a 30 foot tall bronze spider who lives in the courtyard of the National Gallery.)

129:365 Maman the spider

I liked this picture of Tristan blowing bubbles (I never would have guessed that my ‘big boys’ at five and seven would still love bubbles as much as they do!) but I didn’t like the big planter in the corner of the image. When I ran one of the Pioneer Woman actions that turned the photo into sepia tones, though, it really seemed to minimize the mostly brown planter into the brown fence behind it, while giving the image a nice classic and timeless look that I thought complimented the subject.

130:365 Tristan's bubbles

I blogged about this image the other day, but I love it so much I thought I’d include it again. This is the fourth of my images that have made it into Flickr’s Explore.

131:365 Baby toes

On the days I drive downtown, I drive right past this dairy farm. I’ve actually taken dozens of pictures of it — I’m fascinated by it. I love the fact that we get to drive past cows and horses whenever we go from the city to our house! I’d love to live on a farm some day, if it weren’t so much work!

132:365 Morning at the farm

There are lots of ways to play with an ordinary photo to make it more interesting. I’m learning to embrace them! False tilt-shifting is a way of processing the image so it looks like a miniature or toy-model version. It didn’t quite work out on this image of the Alexandria Bridge and the Museum of Civilization as well as I’d seen on some other images, but it still perks up a rather ordinary photo. To get the effect, I just ran the photo through on this website. To get the full effect, click through and view it large and up-close!

133:365 Tilt-shifted Alexandria Bridge

And when one picture of pretty flowers is just okay, a mosaic of them is somehow more than the sum of the parts. These are all from my garden, and some of them may be weeds, but at least they’re pretty weeds. The one in the top left corner is a bleeding heart, and the white ones are on a shrubbery near my front door. The others are just purty.

134:365 Garden tour

Last but far from least: Lukey in black and white. If you’re looking for some really great light for baby portraits, consider shooting in the car seat! Your subject is immobilized, the light is bright but diffuse, and you have baby’s undivided attention. In this case, you can plainly see Baby is far from impressed in having my 50mm lens half a foot from his nose. Again. But the b&w really favours that creamy smoothness of his skin — don’t you just want to touch it? And I should have stopped down my aperture just a bit because my plane of focus was so small (I’d been shooting flowers up close) that while his left eye is perfectly in focus, his right eye is blurry. A smaller aperture would have given me a larger area in focus. Oh well!

137:365 Lukey in b&w

And if you look closely, you can even see me reflected in his eyes!

Doing the fungal freak

So it turns out that the cough that has been plaguing me for a week now is — wait for it — pneumonia. I guess fertility and mild depression aren’t the only things that come around seasonally in May — I had pneumonia in May 2007, too, just before I got pregnant with Lucas. When I mentioned this to my GP yesterday, she looked at her notes and said, “Oh yes, I see that here, but then you had just a mild case in one lung and now you have it extensively in both.” Run down much, you say?

So anyway, in addition to the antibiotic that I got last time, I am supposed to use a steroid puffer twice a day. I’ve never used a puffer before and to be honest? This one is freaking me out.

When my doctor was explaining the puffer to me, she said “make sure you rinse well each time you use it” but what I heard was “rinse it well” meaning the puffer. Luckily, the pharmacist chose a slightly different way to phrase it, and I finally understood that it was my mouth I was supposed to rinse well after each use, not the puffer. “Because,” the pharmacist helpfully explained, “there’s a possibility for fungus if you don’t rinse well.”

Fungus.

In my mouth.

*all over body shudder*

Now, I know — I know — that fungus is things like thrush and athlete’s foot, both of which I’ve had. But I’m still freaked out. I have trouble eating raw mushrooms because they’re fungus. Fungus is a nasty word that evokes, in my brain at least, colonies of fast-multiplying creepy-crawly things that definitely do NOT belong in my mouth.

I was freaked out enough just trying to make sure that I actually inhaled while the puffer was puffing that I was lightheaded from the practice attempts and the three tries to psyche myself up for it, and the first blast shot not down into my lungs as was my intention, but straight out onto the middle of my tongue. Terrific. I mananged to gag and hack down the second puff, but then immediately set to rinsing the legions of already-multiplying fungal creatures off my tongue.

First, I rinsed with water. When I still had a vaguely fungusy taste in my mouth, I tried chewing up some saltines and THEN rinsing with water, thinking I could more or less exfoliate the inside of my mouth. Still not entirely convinced that my mouth was fungus-free, I went upstairs and attacked the problem with half a cup of Listerine. (And by the way? The new Listerine Total Health stuff? Brutal! Effective, maybe, but not unlike gargling with mint-flavoured turpentine.) I followed that up with some club soda, thinking the bubbles might loosen any last fungal vestiges, when it dawned on me that I was now ingesting the remaining traces of potential fungus instead of expelling them.

So now I have pneumonia and a tummy ache. I fear there are mushrooms growing in my gut. This can’t be good.

(And P.S.: don’t you think “Fungal Freak” would be an awesome name for a band?)