Oh wow – Oh WOW!

I learned from yesterday’s lesson and decided to post early in the day today, when I’m still feeling the promise of a new day. And I was just scrolling down to read your comments from yesterday when I caught the Canadian Blog Awards icon in the sidebar and I realized that I completely forgot to check the results. (And you know it would take something fairly catastrophic to distract me.)

Holy crap!! Holy CRAP!! We came in FIRST in the first round of voting!

(Yes, I realize that I’ve completely anthropomorphosized blog into its own being. That’s been a long time in coming, wouldn’t you say?)

First! Wow! I’m speechless. I’m proud, and honoured, and tickled pink. And frankly, the timing is pretty sweet, too. Thank you so much to all of you who voted!

And look at the other four great blogs who made it to the final round of voting in the Best Family Blog category: Her Bad Mother, Debaucherous and Dishevelled, Metro Mama, and Life With Lucy. I’m in some pretty impressive company, wouldn’t you say?

You realize that you’ll only encourage me, right? Since they probably won’t let me quit while I’m ahead and call off the second round of voting, now you can continue to vote for me all next week too. You’ve got nobody to blame but yourselves!

(Really, thanks!)

Mood swings

I’ve been trying to write something all day, but whatever I’m feeling one minute I’m feeling the opposite the next, and it’s hard to generalize the flavour of a day that way. So why do I even feel I have to write anything? I admit, I’m beginning to see the point of people who think that maybe I do expose a little too much of myself through blogging. Do I really need to share the minutia of each mood swing as I work my way through this? Where does therapeutic blogging end and pointless navel-gazing begin?

I so desperately want to say, “Okay, that’s done, I’m better now. Let’s move on. What should we talk about today?” I want to say that because I want to be done with the hurting, with the anger, with the deep welling sadness. I want to tell you that today was better than yesterday, and all signs indicate that tomorrow should be better still, and that I won’t be this depressing forever, or even for very much longer.

And yet, I am not there yet. Of course I’m not, I realize it’s only been a few days. But I want to be done. I don’t want to linger in sadness. Despite a bright and energetic start, the prevailing mood of the day has been melancholy. I was in the grocery store (where I spent over $150 and came out with only three days worth of meals and a lot of crap) and I kept thinking about the people around me and wondering who else was harbouring secret grief. Who else was barely coping on the inside but looking normal on the outside?

Scratch this post up to sheer tenacity. I said I’d post each day in November, and by god I will post each day in November. Besides, I still have a lot of bloggable lint left in my navel.

Thank you

I’m overwhelmed by your collective kindness. Beloved and I and even my mother are simply in awe of your support, of how many of you have taken the time to offer support, share your experiences, or just send a word of condolence. Thank you simply doesn’t cover it.

Physically, I’m doing surprisingly well. (You would think, wouldn’t you, that by now I would learn to stop calling down the gods like that.) The D&C was far less painful, far less scary, far less awful than I expected it would be. There was a few bad moments when they started speculating about cancelling the procedure after I had been in pre-op for an hour because I had a low-grade fever, but not only did they go ahead but they somehow bumped up the procedure, so I was in the recovery room eating tea and toast by the time I was originally supposed to go into the OR.

The only other bad moment was when they wheeled me into the OR, and I got it into my head that I should say goodbye to the baby. Of course, I started crying, and once I got started, I couldn’t stop. The harder I tried to stop, the harder I cried. The medical team were amazingly compasionate, which of course made me cry all the harder, until I was hitching sobs by the time they got the oxygen mask on my face. The very kind anesthesiologist kept telling me to just hold on for a few more seconds, and they’d put me to sleep. I even woke up crying. What a mess.

Now, though, safe at home with my boys, we’re all doing better than I expected. I have a day to myself tomorrow, and Beloved has not only picked up a couple of DVDs for me so I don’t have to suffer bad daytime TV, but has also stocked the fridge and cupboards with my favourite snacks. Great minds think alike – my mom, who picked me up from the hospital, came equipped with a shopping bag full of books and Doritos.

I have good people in my life… and by that I mean those closest to me, but also all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how soothing your words have been to us. I am genuinely overwhelmed – touched, honoured, and overwhelmed – by your outpouring of support and affection. It has made all the difference in the world.

Thank you.

Adding insult to injury

Warning: this will not be a pretty post. You don’t have to read it, but I have to write it. I’m sorry.

I wish this could all just be over. If I can’t have it back, I at least wish it would hurry up and be done.

They’ve scheduled my D&C for 3 pm today. They forgot to call me, and only when I called the hospital at 8:30 last night did I get the details. I haven’t been allowed anything to eat or drink since midnight, and I’m starving already. Wouldn’t it have been nice if it were first thing in the morning or something? No such luck.

I have the kind of wicked bad cold I only get every couple of years. I’m terrified that they will take one look at me and send me home. After all, it’s not like it matters to the baby, right? I asked the person I spoke to last night about it, and she said since I haven’t had a fever or cough, I should be okay. Except I started coughing during the night. The anaethestic is gas, not intravenous, and I’m afraid the cold will somehow interfere with it.

I had to take some sort of medication last night to ‘make the D&C easier,’ in the words of my OB. I was supposed to take it at bedtime last night, but the person at the hospital clucked in alarm at the thought of me going from bedtime to 3 pm with the cramping and possible bleeding it would cause and instead told me to take it when I woke up this morning. So far, I’ve got no real cramps or anything, but I’m getting stiff for being afraid to move.

My mouth is so dry from mouth-breathing all night that I can’t stand it – and I can’t even drink water. Only six more hours to wait.

At least all of that is distracting me from the actual idea of what they are going to do this afternoon. I’m trying very, very hard not to think about that part. When I told the woman at the hospital I was 14 weeks along, she clucked again and revised my recovery time at the hospital from an hour to several hours. I think that’s when I started to cry.

I just want this to be done.

Random attempts to cope

The hardest part for me right now is making sense of what happened. By all measures, this was an exceptionally healthy pregnancy: the high early betas; the fact that the risk of miscarriage falls to less than 5% after that first ultrasound showing the heartbeat; the initial integrated prenatal screening results that were, in the word of my OB, “excellent”; the fact that I was feeling so wonderful; the ultrasound just four weeks ago (scant two weeks before the baby died) showing everything bang-on target.

Sigh.

Unable to make any rational sense of it, my mind wanders to superstition. What did I do to call down the gods? If only I hadn’t spent all that money last Monday on five new pieces of maternity clothing – all of which I washed or wore, of course. If only I hadn’t skipped some of those prenatal vitamins. If only I hadn’t kept going to the gym on Saturday mornings. If only I hadn’t told Tristan’s teacher that very morning, dropping Tristan off for school on the way to my appointment. If only I hadn’t changed my blogger profile just this past Sunday evening – after willfully waiting and waiting and waiting to do so – to include reference to the baby. If only I hadn’t asked Farley Mowat to include Baby in the inscription on my book. If only, if only, if only…. if only I could find that time machine and skip back to Sunday night and take it all back.

***

Even in this time of sadness, though, there is joy. I was waiting for the phone to ring, expecting it to be Beloved, who still didn’t know about the baby. Instead, it was my brother, who greeted my tentative “Hello?” with a blissfully oblivious, “It’s a girl!!” His daughter, Brooke Laurel arrived yesterday morning at a perfectly healthy 6 lbs 14 oz. A first granddaughter for both sets of grandparents. Doesn’t your heart just break for my poor mother, trying to take in all this in a single morning?

***

Many years ago, Nancy gave us a set of “boo boo bunnies”. They’re little terry-cloth bunny heads wrapped around a block of plastic-encased liquid. You keep them in the freezer and apply liberally when there is a boo-boo that needs soothing. The boys love them, and request them for all manner of bumps and bruises.

When the boys burst through the door late yesterday afternoon, their boundless energy banished the ghosts of sorrow and dismay and anger and loss that had been swirling around me all day. They’re my boo-boo bunnies, full of kisses and burbling laughter and boyish silliness that heals even the deepest wounds on my soul.

It’s over – a miscarriage

I went in for a routine OB appointment today. I was delighted when she told me to hop up on the table so we could ‘take a listen’ – I had completely forgotten I should now be far enough along to hear the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler.

Except she couldn’t find it, and so we went to the ultrasound rooms on the other side of the clinic. I was still cracking jokes and cheerful – I just figured the baby was being stubborn.

She took two pictures, left and came back with an ultrasound tech. There was no heartbeat. The baby measures 14 weeks, but I should have been 16 weeks tomorrow. The very kind tech told me she could find no abnormalities, no reason the baby didn’t survive. Just one of those things, I guess.

I have a d & c scheduled for Wednesday. I haven’t been through something like this, so it’s a little bit scary – but better than the alternative of waiting for nature to take its cruel course.

It’s over. Four pregnancies, three lost souls. I thought by writing this down, it would snap me out of this bad dream, but it seems this is really happening.

Kid fears

Simon seems to be going through a fear stage, and I don’t remember Tristan ever going through something similar.

The first time I noticed it a couple of months ago, we were at the Farm and when the cows mooed in the next field over, he practically leapt into my arms and buried his face in my shoulder. Also at the farm, he was terrified of the bleating sheep. He curled his whole body into mine as I carried him through the barn; I’ve never seen him react like that, but could feel his fear in his posture.

Lately, the list of things that he says he is afraid of has grown to include clowns (okay, so I get that one), the sirens and truck horns at the Santa Claus parade, ghosts, and… snowmen. It’s going to be a long holiday season if he’s afraid of snowmen, considering they’re one of my favourite holiday icons and I’m sure I have a dozen or more iterations on the snowman theme in my box of Christmas decorations.

He doesn’t seem overly troubled by most of what he claims to be afraid of, but when he saw clowns at the parade (even across the street) he curled himself into me and averted his face until I assured him they were well out of sight.

I’ve been dismissing this as a two-year-old phase, but now that the list of things is growing incrementally toward pantophobia, I’m beginning to be concerned. This past weekend, at least a couple of times a day he would tell me he was afraid of something. Not to mention the fact that he’s getting to be a big boy – close to 40 lbs – and cradling him in my arms with my own growing belly is getting to be a problem!

Care to share your experiences with kid fears? Is it a phase to be indulged and waited out, or would you try to confront the fears?

Bring it on!

While those of you south of the 49th parallel tend to hold off the Christmas season until after Thanksgiving (isn’t that this week?), we have to fend off holiday decorations starting now before Halloween. Remembrance Day (November 11) is about as long as we can hold off the official launch of our holiday frenzy.

By household decree, I’m not allowed to put up the tree until after Beloved’s birthday on December 4, but I’ve managed to sneak up the house lights (new LED lights this year!), and yesterday was the Santa Claus Parade.

The boys seemed to have a good time at the parade yesterday. We opted for the big one downtown because the weather was holding and our trio of runny noses seemed benign. We were late arriving to the parade route, partly because I forgot to build in an extra 20 minutes (I wish I were exaggerating) to get the boys into ski pants, boots, hats, mitts and the whole winter gear deal. Since we were already late, of course we couldn’t find a parking spot closer than three blocks from the parade route. After an almost-sprint down Fourth Avenue, yanking a wagon with about 100 lbs of boy behind me, we made it just in time to hear the sirens and horns of the leading motorcycle police just a few blocks away.

We made it, though, and the boys said they had a good time. Tristan tends to the stoic sometimes, and even though he watched most of the parade with serious contemplation, he insisted he was having a good time. Simon was not impressed with the clowns, the sirens, and any loud noises, and asked to be held aloft for far longer than my aching arms could comply, but both were finally moved to smiles by lollipops and candy canes.

In the evening, we snuggled in and watched both The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas on the VCR. Once upon a time, I said I didn’t want to get those particular specials on tape, because the magic of happening to catch them on broadcast television made them that much more precious. I was, of course, wrong.

Watching the Grinch and a Charlie Brown Christmas with my boys for the first time was what made it magical. I’m ready for Christmas now – bring it on!

(We’ve also made it more than half way through November, and National Blog Post Month. Posting each weekday has been a breeze, but coming up with something to write about at 8 pm on a Sunday night is stretching me to creative capacity!! If you want to reward my tenacity, if not my creativity, you can always toss me a vote at the Canadian Blog Awards. /hint)

Meeting Farley Mowat

There are some people who are so iconic, so legendary, that when you actually meet them in person, it’s a little bit of a surprise to find out that they are ordinary flesh and blood after all.

Farley Mowat is that kind of person. I think he was the first person I ever understood to be a Canadian Author. The fact that he wrote books was important, but the fact that he was a Canadian who wrote books was even more important. Reading Never Cry Wolf was the first time I, born and bred in the city, became aware that ‘wilderness’ was more than the park at the end of the street, with its little copse of trees.

This week, Farley Mowat was in the neighbourhood because they named a school after him. He said that of all the honours he has received, including the most prestigious Order of Canada, having the school named after him was his greatest honour.

Friday night, he was in our local bookstore for a small reading and a book signing, and I couldn’t resist going. I have a small collection of autographed Canadian literature: Douglas Coupland, Margaret Atwood, Mordechai Richler, and a few local authors. I’d love to meet Will Ferguson some day, and add his signature to my collection, and the autographed book I most covet is that of the reclusive Alice Munro, my first favourite author. Maybe some day.

But I never imagined that I’d have a chance to meet someone as iconic, as mythic, as Farley Mowat. The man is 85 years old, and from what I saw yesterday, still sharp as a tack. He’s a known curmudgeon, but was charming and eloquent in the brief question and answer session that followed his reading from his latest book, Bay of Spirits. I stood in line for about an hour to have him sign my newly acquired hardcover, and I estimate I was about the middle of the pack. The poor man must have had a serious case of writer’s cramp by the time he got home that night.

They had asked that we write on a post-it note exactly what we wanted him to write, but by the time I got to the desk, he was merely writing “to so-and-so” and his own signature. Given the fact that it was near my bedtime on a Friday night after a particularly long week, I hadn’t come up with anything more clever than “To Danielle, (Beloved), Tristan, Simon and Baby” anyway.

(My favourite author autograph was actually how Douglas Coupland inscribed my companion’s copy of Generation X back in 1993. He wrote, “Dear Tom, Thanks for helping me knock over that 7-11. Your pal, Doug.” He wrote it across a traced outline of his own hand.)

Farley… er, Mr. Mowat… er, Farley Mowat took a moment after writing all that down to look up at me, and I could do nothing more intelligent than beam a thousand-watt smile at him. Lacking something pithy to say, but with utter sincerity, I told him it was truly an honour to meet him. He smiled his own genuine smile and said, “I would say God bless you, my dear,” and he gestured toward the very long epigraph he had just inscribed, “but it looks like your life is full of blessings already.”

I smiled the whole way home. It’s truly a joy when a hero is able to not only meet, but surpass your expectations of him.

Is Bloglines drunk, or what?

Last week, I issued a little note to apologize for the big dump (oh look, Karen, I said it again!) of my archived posts into Bloglines subscribers’ feeds.

Today, I see yet another dump, and now every post ends with “DaniGirl” and my e-mail address. I didn’t tell it to do that. Quite frankly, I wish it would not. Nor did I change my blogger settings.

Any ideas on what switch I tripped? I will send a polite e-mail to the Bloglines folks; maybe they can help.

Well heck, if the networks can play re-runs, I guess there’s no reason I can’t do the same!