Over the last year and a half of blogging, I’ve seen a lot of conversations the ‘mommy wars’. In five years of mothering, though, I don’t think I ever actually felt judged by another mother about my parenting skills – until yesterday.
We have, in our community, a wonderful resource for parents of children under the age of six called an Early Years Centre. It’s funded by the province of Ontario, and each community’s centre is a little different, but mostly they have things like a toy lending library, a schedule of parenting courses, often a daycare centre, and the part I always loved: a drop-in playgroup. I loved the drop-in at the Barrhaven EYC so much that before I lived in the community, I’d drive 10 km just to bring Tristan in when he was a toddler. They have high quality play sets, like fully equipped kitchens, dress-up clothes, puzzles, train and lego tables, and a crafts centre. Each drop-in ends with a story and song circle.
When Simon was a newborn and Tristan was a busy toddler, the EYC was a lifeline for me. I’d put Simon in a sling or bjorn carrier, or even leave him under a mobile on a soft mat in the babies-only section, and follow Tristan around as he burned off energy and played with the other kids. The staff were well-educated and helpful, and would happily entertain Tristan while I sat with my back against a wall and nursed Simon. Tristan christened it the ‘ladybug playgroup’ because of the big red ladybug on the mats in the crawling baby section. I’ve often encouraged Beloved to bring the boys there during the day, because they always loved it and always napped well after a morning of play with fresh toys and new faces.
In the year and a half since I’ve been on maternity leave, the EYC has moved a mile or so up the road into a new facility. I’ve booked off Mondays through the summer to have extra time with the boys, and since the skies threatened rain yesterday, I brought the boys in to try to recapture some of the old fun. Turns out, like in so many things in life, you can’t go back again.
The first thing that struck me was a plethora of new and strict rules. No matter what we did, we were breaking a rule. First, I got the evil eye for letting the boys play in front of the doors as we queued up to take a number to get in. (Only 30 people allowed, and when we arrived three or four minutes after they started handing out numbers, we were the last few to get a ticket.) Then I got an outright scolding for letting them be in front of the door again as we inspected a cricket to pass the time. Then Tristan got scolded for running through the door. Okay, I get a rule about no running, but by this point I was starting to feel a little prickly.
They read out a list of house rules, and we were informed that there was to be no carrying toys from one section to another. No lego in the craft area. No puzzles in the book area. No kitchen toys outside the kitchen area. We’re talking about a room full of preschoolers here, in a room a little larger than the average classroom, and they aren’t supposed to carry the toys around? Poor Simon was distraught when he couldn’t use the spatula and the wooden spoon in the big box of cornmeal. I’m just glad he didn’t do what he usually does – fixate on one object and carry it around like a talisman everywhere he goes. (He actually shoplifted a yellow plastic spoon from the Children’s Museum last time we were there, because I forgot he had been carrying it around with him all morning. I’ll bring it back the next time we go, I promise!)
We had to fill out a registration form, and as I completed the form, one of the staffers and I chatted. She asked why it had been so long since I had been back to the EYC, and I mentioned working full time but that I had been encouraging my husband to bring the boys. I wish I were exaggerating when I tell you that her whole demeanor changed when she realized I was not a stay-at-home mother. She looked from Simon to Tristan, both happily engaged in separate play areas, and I swear I could read on her face that she saw a direct correlation to their high-spiritedness and my working. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt judged for working outside the home, and it was like a shock of cold water.
So I was feeling a little tense to begin with, and every time the boys showed any energy or spunk or enthusiasm, I felt like the two women staffers were giving me the evil eye. Sometimes it seems like my boys are a little more wriggly and noisy than their peers, and I worry about it. They aren’t bad, they just exhuberant, and in Simon’s case, relentlessly curious. So when I raised my voice because Simon wasn’t listening to me telling him for the third time not to dissemble the aquarium while I tried to complete the registration form and mop up the paint Tristan had dribbled onto the table, I was actually impressed with myself for not screaming outright. And when I say I raised my voice, I mean exactly that. “Si-mon,” in the singsong-y getting his attention voice, followed by “Simon!” in the abrupt, I mean business voice, followed by “SIMON!” in the are-you-deaf-or-just-ignoring me voice. I hadn’t even made it to the “SIMON!!” you are risking imminent death voice.
That’s when one of the other mothers decided I needed an intervention, and she approached me using that calm, soothing voice that you use on angry dogs and people about to go postal. If she had approached me collegially, with laughter and empathy, I would have likely welcomed her solidarity. Instead, she actually initiated the conversation, without even so much as a ‘hello-how-ya-doing’, by asking me if I’d ever taken any parenting courses on how to speak to my children. I was floored, and so taken aback that I could only sputter. I was far more polite to her than I should have been, and listened patiently while she recommended a course and two books on the subject. I managed to disentangle myself from her to ‘help’ Tristan with some markers, and spent the rest of the morning actively avoiding her.
In the end, the boys had a great morning and were resistant to leaving. After speaking to no-one for the entire morning except the two judgemental women and feeling more than a little like a social leper, I was more than happy to get out of there, and told Beloved when I got home that I would no longer pester him to bring the boys back.
Maybe it’s just the new culture of this particular EYC, but I’m disappointed to lose something that we had so enjoyed. I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised that it took this long for me to come face-to-face with this kind of bias, or how much it bothered me. It drives me crazy that I’d let the opinion of a couple of strangers undermine my confidence in my own parenting skills.
I think I’ll stick to playdates with friends from now on.
You and Y should have a conversation. She feels that they are making rules just to enforce them.
I still remember when I took my son, then about 3 months old, to the grocery store while we were treating him for thrush with Gentian Violet – which turned his mouth bright purple. As I was standing in line to pay, the woman next to me smiled kindly and said: “Excuse me – do you know your son ate a pen?” – I responded “No”. She then said “But, doesn’t that bother you?”. I said “No.” and left it at that. I think I was about 10 seconds from having a visit from Children’s Aid. But I was so fed up with people offering advice because I was a dad – and couldn’t possibly know how to handle a baby – much as you were because you were established as being a working mom. One thing I have learned over here is that we are way way too polite. But the alternative is worse – showing our kids how well we can swear at someone just seems wrong (most of the time!).
Oh Dani. Don’t let the b@st@rds bring you down.
I always had the same experience at our EYC satellite centre.
They had a “gym day” on Thursdays that involved more running around than usual. Of course my exhuberant little man took full advantage and there was no end of funny little looks.
To be fair, there were a lot of great parents that went there but sometimes some of the mums and some of the dads got a little precious. I think some people act just like their children, revelling in tattling on some poor kid having too much fun or some little person who hasn’t yet learned the fine details and nuances of social interaction.
My son never ever managed to sit through a single circle time, either. He was generally the pied piper of the rebellious kids, squirming out of my lap and running around like a mad child, inspiring other future hooligans to run off and scream with joy.
Yikes! After the video the other day, I’m getting a picture! And, having a rather “exhuberant” child myself, I feel your pain.
Our nearest ECE centre is to be avoided for the opposite reason – too lax. Too crowded, no defined areas in a small room, and more than a few of the the moms are (whispers) hippies. The kids are left to dump paint around while they discuss making their own soap and how their kids will never be allowed at a zoo (my last and I mean LAST and last) experience there. I found myself playing with and supervising three or four toddlers instead of just my own. Sometimes I’d have a baby shoved (without asking) into my arms while someone got a drink. I’m all for community – but not a commune!
So, how hard is it to arrange playdates between Toronto and Ottawa?
Dani, how ridiculous of them! And what a pity that it isn’t the nice place you remember anymore.
Dani,
My heart gave a couple extra squeezes when I read this coz I’ve been RIGHT THERE.
It’s also a hard thing to convey to others because it’s often very subtle. But it’s there.
I wish more Moms could realize just how damaging and divisive these ‘Mommy Wars’ are. Parenting is likely the biggest life challenge most of us will face – we should be helping each other up not bringing each other down.
And I agree: don’t let the “turkeys” get you down. 😉
Oh, I’m sorry. How incredibly rude of them. You can play at my house anytime.
Well, here’s the view from the other side of the fence.
I always feel as though my neighbours are exchanging looks over my son’s, um, spiritedness. I then secretly imagine them having conversations where they determine he would be much better off socially if he were in a regular home care/daycare setting, getting regular interaction with other children and not being “spoiled” by one on one attention 24/7.
Maybe it’s real, or maybe it’s imagined in those moments of insecurity where we feel our parenting skills are on display (insert picture of child swinging from the rafters). I suppose the great equalizer of the Mommy Wars is that it equally makes us feel like we are doing a crappy job regardless of our choices. Hmmmmm, ain’t that grand.
Regadless, I was amazed by your restraint when approached by the recommendation of the parenting classes, thinking “That’s not the Dani I know and love! Why didn’t she put that woman in her place?”. But then I recalled the way I submissively nodded when a mother in Tristan’s preschool asked if I ever watched Supernanny as she had some really good tips. This was said after her son walked into the vestibule and said “Hey mom, there’s naughty Tristan!”. I got in my car…and cried.
That sucks. I cannot believe the *gall* of that woman to approach you like that! What in the world did she think she was doing? Unbelievable.
((hugs))
I don’t think either of your boys are “over spirited”. They are normal, energetic, curious, smart, physical boys who were playing – that IS the intention isn’t it. If a non listening child is equivalent with a bad parent, then we are all BAD BAD BAD mommies and daddies.
I stopped going to the EYC playgroup when we couldn’t get in one day, and Damian was weeping with disappointment. I understand the need and benefit of these centres, but to me playing with friends is a better guarantee – they don’t criticize, and they don’t turn you away.
Hold your head high – you’re doing a great job!
I just recently discovered your site…love reading about other Canadian moms. I just had to jump in here. I can’t believe you had to deal with that…it sucks especially because you were so set to have a nice day with your boys. I find it so depressing that this is what feminism has come to. The point was supposed to be that women were free to make the choice to do what’s best for them and their families. But now everyone has to jump on one bandwagon or the other, and the end result is that it’s a constant battle between SAHMs and WOHMs. How sad that we can’t all just be supportive of each other’s choices and struggles.
I get the looks because I am a stay at home mom and a mother of 5. Since I have SO MANY kids they must all be brats. However, it’s my sister in law, one of the best moms ever who regularly gets ‘helpful hints and suggestions’. Also a mother of 5 with one on the way, her children suffer terribly because she choses to stay home with them. She tortures them by volunteering at school, taking them to church and encourage the older ones to help the little ones. What a horrible thing to do to children.
I think there will always be holier than thou people who feel obliged to ‘help’. Usually they have one very young child and no clue.
Good for you for sticking it out, letting your kids enjoy themselves and taking the high road.
I can’t believe how incredibly rude some people can be!! I’m so sorry that had to happen to you, when all you wanted to do was have a great day with your boys. You were way nicer than what I would have been.
It’s horrible that these women- mothers- who all want the same things for their children (love,happiness,good health, etc.)- and who are supposed to be helping one another- are cutting each other down to make sure that THEY are the Best Mommy. It sucks! ALL mothers deserve support, acceptance, encouragement and understanding, regardless of their parenting choices.
You are a wonderful mother Dani. I’ve never met you or your boys, but I can tell the love you have for your family is quite obvious. Try not to let women like that get you down.
This is why I never leave the house except to go to work. Seriously. Some call it anti-social, I call it anti-social, but in a good way.
Seriously, I get it both ways. I’m too hippy-ish for some crowds (we’re vegan, we cloth diaper, I often smell bad) and I’m too whatever for the hippy crowd (I work outside the home, I yell a lot, I let Ivy survive on corn syrup and white flour). There’s no winning.
Sorry you had to deal with the jerks. Don’t let ’em get you down.
How appalling. I can’t imagine how dreadful that must have been.
I understand about the exuberant boy part–my 3 year old is a very *spirited* child, and the second boy seems well on his way to “spirited” toddlerhood as well. We rarely socialize outside of music classes and daycare, and luckily the daycare instructors are very supportive. Luckily, we also have a few understanding friends. None, however, with kids quite as rambunctious as Luke. I wish we live closer–I think he’d love playing with Tristan and Simon.
See, how can anybody complain that there’s a parent war going on, when each bad mommy story is followed up by 16 (SIXTEEN!) lovely voices of support? I don’t know why the intrinsic wonderfulness of the commenters who pass through here continues to amaze me, but it does.
Thanks – to each of you. You turned a rant into a good lesson. Mommy wars indeed.
xo Dani
Sorry I am a little late on the support here, but I have to say F… Them.
You don’t need some hoity toity, doesn’t know you from Adam telling you you need a course.
My sister and I haven’t gone back since our first incident with the new EYC, when the lady in front of us got 6 adult tickets and 1 child one. And the two ladies in front of her got all the others for their daycare kids. We waited a full 45 minutes in the cold to get in there. Not impressed.
OMG! How awful! If she had said that to me on a PMS day I might have ended up in jail. Good for you for being polite, even though she didn’t deserve it. What nerve.
I’m so with Moe and the “I have so many kids they must be brats.” thing. I am really tired of hearing people remark at how well behaved my kids are and how shocking it is cause I have so many.
But anyhow, onto YOUR post. LOL
I realized early that the more “institutionalized” playgroups seem to be so structured and full of rules. I stopped bothering after #2 came along because I almost felt like they made it their mission to make me a better parent wen I was doing just fine.
I’m sorry you had a shitty day. Your boys sound delightful to me. I always think the loud and curious ones to be the most intresting.
scr*w the EYC, come to my house to play and we’ll discuss how amzazingly well we are both doing at being MOMS, point final, none of this working mom vs SAHM crap
I have been so frustrated with that centre in the past. I honestly believe that they create rules just for the power of enforcing them. I went 6 months ago with my coffee in one of those spill proof coffee containers and they made me POUR OUT my coffee so that I could get a coffee from them in one of their spill proof containers. I would have understood a no coffee rule but an “our coffee only” rule baffled me. And since I am known for questioning authority when it does not make sense, I did not make any friends with the leaders. It baffles me that there are line ups there at all. The old place was MUCH better.
And all young boys are spirited. Yours, mine, theirs. That is what they are. Rejoice in it. At 16 they will be sloths.
That’s insane. We have the most wonderful EYC here in Peterborough (they saved my sanity 10 million times when I had three kids under 3 1/2). I’m sorry you had such an awful experience at your local one. Clearly someone there doesn’t get what EYC are supposed to be all about — parent support.