I’ve been thinking about ego, failure and all fair bit… this is one more thought in the post that’s simmering.

I think they’re bang-on that the praise culture often has as much to do with praising oneself (don’t I have a fabulous child!) as it does with praising the kid. I can see a degree of this in my own life when I occasionally over-praise my partner and I can only imagine that it’s magnified times a million with a child!

Very interesting – I think I’d like to read the book now too!

I”m only half-serious there, you know me – but when I volunteer in Josie’s class, I notice that teachers have this down already, and we’d do well to follow their example. They have a vocabulary for behaviours they want to recognize that works for kids – “Good CONNECTION!’ when kids make an association. Or, “You noticed a great DETAIL!” for a kid who points out something in an illustration. And they thank kids a lot, for paying attention to the rules “Thank you all for lining up so quickly, so we don’t keep the French teacher waiting!”

I think what you missed by not reading the first article, is the specificity – but it never said where or how to get it. it doesn’t grow on trees, and as tired, overwhelmed parents, we’re just glad to say something that’s not a “NO, Don’t…” and boy, does it take effort to be specific and detailed when you’re just glad there’s no fisticuffs.

Why is my Captcha “Edouarde Bernikow”?

There was an example along the lines of this … (1) constantly tell your child that they are smart, (2) child likes praise for being smart and associates acceptance with this characteristic of being “smart”, (3) child starts to refuse to do certain subjects in school because they recognize it is challenging and they are not getting it perfect — they won’t be smart, people will find out. Instead of risking “not being smart,” they simply refuse to do it.

The “specific praise” recommendation comes up here too. Don’t praise your child in a general “oh, you’re a smart girl” way, but rather, “I noticed how much work you put in preparing for this project — I’m so proud of you.” In this way, the child learns that hard work brings results, not an innate “smartness.” Come to think of it … maybe I’m pulling this from a book I’ve read recently on raising your children to be resilient.

Either way — I find it all very fascinating as perfectionist tendencies run strong in my family too. I’d much rather my children achieve less in the traditional sense and not be perfectionists … it is hard to be happy when everything “should” be perfect!

When that article came out, I found that the study’s findings were being interpreted a bit too literally. Yes, there is this dramatic effect when children are placed in a situation with an unknown adult in a position of authority who says only one thing to them, but in the context of a parenting situation, the specific words we choose when we praise our kids are probably less important than our values, which will be communicated in countless ways. If we value achievement over effort, our children will pick up on that. If we really are proud of their choices rather than their genetic giftedness, that’s what they’ll pick up too.

I have actually had a post about my son mulling in my head for a week now and I have had a hard time deciding if I should write about it.

When I was a child I only did things I was good at. I avoided or quit things I wasn’t good at. Now I struggle with my boy. He struggles with school but that is a no brainer for me. He can’t quit. And I definitely don’t spend all my time telling him what a genious he is. I am constantly reminding him that school is work and it isn’t easy. And we do the home work, and we argue over the home work. It drives me nuts but I figure it is the only way to teach him that he will have to work in order to succeed at school

My example where I struggle is with hockey (and there are more, but I will focus on one). He enjoys it and he is good at it. During practice he skates fast, shoots hard and generally enjoys himself. During the game she shirks from the puck, slows down considerably and rarely contributes. My husband and I have been trying to work on him. To get his confidence up. We started with praise but that didn’t work. Now we need to figure him out. When I was a child I would quit activities I found hard (highland dancing, tap, soccer). My parents didn’t know how to deal with me so they let me quit. As an adult I asked my mom “Why did you let me quit X activity”. Her answer is always “because you wanted to quit”. Is that good enough? Do I let him quit, just because he is afraid to lose, or not to win, or… I really don’t know what the problem is. It is so hard to know what right approach is… UGH

I am ‘good’ and ’smart’, and I always have been. I choose to do things and behave in a way that reinforces that self-image, and wins me praise. It totally convinced me that I don’t want to repeat that. Because I don’t want my kids to be shackled by the perfectionism that I face.

So, I don’t say ‘good job!’ 3000 times a day. But I still get excited on their behalf, and offer them lots of love and encouragement. So far, it’s working for us.