I’ve been thinking about ego, failure and all fair bit… this is one more thought in the post that’s simmering.

I think they’re bang-on that the praise culture often has as much to do with praising oneself (don’t I have a fabulous child!) as it does with praising the kid. I can see a degree of this in my own life when I occasionally over-praise my partner and I can only imagine that it’s magnified times a million with a child!

Very interesting – I think I’d like to read the book now too!

I”m only half-serious there, you know me – but when I volunteer in Josie’s class, I notice that teachers have this down already, and we’d do well to follow their example. They have a vocabulary for behaviours they want to recognize that works for kids – “Good CONNECTION!’ when kids make an association. Or, “You noticed a great DETAIL!” for a kid who points out something in an illustration. And they thank kids a lot, for paying attention to the rules “Thank you all for lining up so quickly, so we don’t keep the French teacher waiting!”

I think what you missed by not reading the first article, is the specificity – but it never said where or how to get it. it doesn’t grow on trees, and as tired, overwhelmed parents, we’re just glad to say something that’s not a “NO, Don’t…” and boy, does it take effort to be specific and detailed when you’re just glad there’s no fisticuffs.

Why is my Captcha “Edouarde Bernikow”?

There was an example along the lines of this … (1) constantly tell your child that they are smart, (2) child likes praise for being smart and associates acceptance with this characteristic of being “smart”, (3) child starts to refuse to do certain subjects in school because they recognize it is challenging and they are not getting it perfect — they won’t be smart, people will find out. Instead of risking “not being smart,” they simply refuse to do it.

The “specific praise” recommendation comes up here too. Don’t praise your child in a general “oh, you’re a smart girl” way, but rather, “I noticed how much work you put in preparing for this project — I’m so proud of you.” In this way, the child learns that hard work brings results, not an innate “smartness.” Come to think of it … maybe I’m pulling this from a book I’ve read recently on raising your children to be resilient.

Either way — I find it all very fascinating as perfectionist tendencies run strong in my family too. I’d much rather my children achieve less in the traditional sense and not be perfectionists … it is hard to be happy when everything “should” be perfect!

When that article came out, I found that the study’s findings were being interpreted a bit too literally. Yes, there is this dramatic effect when children are placed in a situation with an unknown adult in a position of authority who says only one thing to them, but in the context of a parenting situation, the specific words we choose when we praise our kids are probably less important than our values, which will be communicated in countless ways. If we value achievement over effort, our children will pick up on that. If we really are proud of their choices rather than their genetic giftedness, that’s what they’ll pick up too.

I have actually had a post about my son mulling in my head for a week now and I have had a hard time deciding if I should write about it.

When I was a child I only did things I was good at. I avoided or quit things I wasn’t good at. Now I struggle with my boy. He struggles with school but that is a no brainer for me. He can’t quit. And I definitely don’t spend all my time telling him what a genious he is. I am constantly reminding him that school is work and it isn’t easy. And we do the home work, and we argue over the home work. It drives me nuts but I figure it is the only way to teach him that he will have to work in order to succeed at school

My example where I struggle is with hockey (and there are more, but I will focus on one). He enjoys it and he is good at it. During practice he skates fast, shoots hard and generally enjoys himself. During the game she shirks from the puck, slows down considerably and rarely contributes. My husband and I have been trying to work on him. To get his confidence up. We started with praise but that didn’t work. Now we need to figure him out. When I was a child I would quit activities I found hard (highland dancing, tap, soccer). My parents didn’t know how to deal with me so they let me quit. As an adult I asked my mom “Why did you let me quit X activity”. Her answer is always “because you wanted to quit”. Is that good enough? Do I let him quit, just because he is afraid to lose, or not to win, or… I really don’t know what the problem is. It is so hard to know what right approach is… UGH

I am ‘good’ and ‘smart’, and I always have been. I choose to do things and behave in a way that reinforces that self-image, and wins me praise. It totally convinced me that I don’t want to repeat that. Because I don’t want my kids to be shackled by the perfectionism that I face.

So, I don’t say ‘good job!’ 3000 times a day. But I still get excited on their behalf, and offer them lots of love and encouragement. So far, it’s working for us.

Since then we have really tried to do two things — to praise specific behaviours instead of general characteristics, and to encourage him to keep trying when he fails the first time, because getting something wrong helps us learn new things. We have a lot of faith in this new approach but even after more than a year, it’s been a struggle. When he works on homework and makes a mistake, he often gets so frustrated he cries, but we don’t back down — we talk to him calmly about how important it is to keep trying, and we stick it out patiently for as long as it takes to convince him to try again.

We have been rewarded a few times by him finally getting something and being so very happy with himself, so we know it is the right thing. But changing his attitudes now is going to be a long process.

I just read Mary Lynn’s comment about how she used to let her kid win at games, and I admit, that’s something I’m still guilty of. I need to get on that one. It’s just so hard to find the balance between encouraging your child and letting them know that you are in their corner, and equipping them to actually be successful in the world.

My daughter reacts so badly to failure, even in the most trivial things. A small error in her otherwise perfect homework reduces her to tears. My husband and I recognized this a few months ago and realized that we needed her to get used to the idea that mistakes can be a good thing. Mistakes are how we learn.

I used to “reverse-cheat” when I played boardgames with her to ensure that she would win and I would lose. I don’t do that anymore.

I think I definitely have to pick up a copy of the book to see what else it has to say. Thanks for the review…looking forward to reading Part 2.

“I liked the way you came when I called you for dinner–that was really nice”
“I liked the way you played so nicely with your sister. That’s fantastic”
“Thanks so much for washing your hands the way I showed you. You did a really good job”

And so on and so on. I praise all day long. And, it’s working! I am seeing such an improvement in his behaviour and attitude. I now make a point of “praising” every good behaviour, however little it may seem.

This approach may not be for everyone, but has it ever made a difference in our house!

I saw the same thing developing in my oldest son so I started working on it right away for both of us, praising effort instead of results, suggesting that other people’s succes came from hard work, reminding us both that the brain is a muscle and that we need to work it to make it strong. It’s making a real difference for him and, more slowly, for me.

I see it in my son too, the not trying things he doesn’t think he’ll be good at. But like you, I can’t worry that much about it, because I’m a reasonably well-adjusted, comfortable in my own skin adult. And I put a lot of effort into getting better at things I’m good at – not to be the best but to be always better.

All that said, I think there are other ways to build self-esteem and resilience in kids besides praise. My dad was always one to talk about things that were within my control and things that weren’t. So competing became not about winning but about benchmarking my performance, because winning depends on what other people do, which is way beyond my control.

Okay, I actually stopped breathing when I read this. THAT. IS. ME. TOO.

Also, Liam sounds a lot like your Tristan. When we moved here and unsympathetically threw him into ALL-FRENCH kindergarten even though he didn’t speak a word of French, he reeeeally struggled. His teacher was so frustrated with him (as were we) because HE WOULDN’T EVEN TRY.

But I KNOW my son and I knew that he just didn’t want to make mistakes. I knew that he WAS learning and WAS taking it all in, but refused to practice out loud until he could be ASSURED of doing it well.

Reading this book sounds like it’s giving you more insight into yourself which will only serve you as you mother Tristan (and your other boys).

I think I need to read that book too.